conqueror of the ocean

This morning, i read in a book poetical quotes of Cheng Ho,
placed at the temple at the mouth of the Min River on the Fujian coat, China.
It said:

“We have traversed more than 100,000 li
of immense water spaces,
have beheld in the ocean huge waves
like mountains rising sky-high.

We have set eyes on barbarian regions far away,
hidden in a blue transparency of light vapours,
while our sails, loftily unfurled like clouds,

Day and night continues their course,
rapid like that of a star,
traversing those savage waves,"

I feel that, each of us are sailing our own ship everyday, in the ocean of life.
We have beheld in the "ocean huge waves, like mountains rising sky high" , and we continue to sail, no matter what,
hope, our ship continue to cleave trough the ocean, "rapid like that of a star,"

I wish all of us have all the spirit, courage, wisdom, we need..
to conquer the ocean
and together reach island of eternity
the land for the brave..


ps: for my brave Comerades. salute. teach me how to sail.

Today Is No Sunday

music by white shoes and couples company
song and lyrics:Aprillia Aprasari

Its rainy season and the grey clouds
complete the theme
the rusty fence, the noisy thunder
creepy storm and the falling trees

Television, tea and coffee
all the books are getting dusty

If there is a way i will catch up for you
visit the spring

Where the ices are melting
and the new plants are growing
flower is blooming
and lovers are kissing

life choice affair

In an interview, Dylan Thomas said poetry is statement made on the way to the grave. These words cut my heart in pieces.

Thomas definition of poetry explains things like: anything that is too beautiful, so beautiful, makes you cry?

What is the right word for this? melancholy? right. melancholy.

Melancholy is always in tune with introvert, something closed and hidden. Its just painful and full with desperation.

Meanwhile, in another interview, John Lennon said: usually something real, is simple, and everything that is simple, is true.

I think there is always two perspectives in life that we can choose: Thomas or Lennon perspective.

What will you choose, dwelling in desperation, endless pain or unrevealed passion like Thomas or break the mundane life in such honest, rock and roll tune, like Lennon?

Anything, it always depend on each of us, how to see life.
I choose anything that makes my soul free.

well.. maybe.. a taste of John Lennon simplicity make things better.
A little bit. :))


(kutipan satu sampai tiga)

Hawya pegat ngudiya ronging budyayu, Margane suka basuki,
Dimen luwar kang kinayun, Kalis ing panggawe sisip,Ingkang taberi prihatos.

Ulatna kang nganti bisane kepangguh, Galedehan kang sayekti,
Talitinen awya kleru, Larasen sajroning ati, Tumanggap dimen tumanggon.

Pamanggone aneng pangesthi rahayu, Angayomi ing tyas wening,
Eninging ati kang suwung, Nanging sejatining isi, Isine cipta sayektos.

(Serat Sabdojati, Ranggawarsita)


megatruh (memutus ruh)

Janganlah berhenti, selalu berusaha berbuat kebajikan, agar mendapat kegembiraan, keselamatan serta tercapai segala cita-cita, terhindar dari perbuatan yang bukan-bukan, caranya haruslah gemar prihatin.

Dalam hidup keprihatinan ini pandanglah dengan seksama segala sesuatu sebagaimana adanya. Telitilah jangan sampai salah, endapkan didalam hati, agar mampu menangkap dan menempatkan.

Cara menempatkannya adalah dengan menyelaraskan dengan keindahan, melindungi di dalam kejernihan hati. Kejernihan hati yang kosong, namun sebenarnya berisi.
Isinya adalah cipta yang sejati.

diambil dari website:

the third eye

concept of third eye, its known in the west and east. Means the eye of wisdom.

I remember dialog in a movie, where an Indian girl asked by American-guy, why she needs to put the red spot between her eyebrows, and she said "Its the third eye, we need that. Sometimes, these two eyes not enough for us,"

In Hinduism and Buddhism, the third eye is a symbol of enlightenment. In the Indian tradition, it is referred to the the eye of knowledge, which is the seat of the "teacher inside". The "teacher inside" in one of Islamic sufism teaching, known as, Ruhul Quds, or "Holly spirit " that every human born with. "Light upon the light" as it mentioned in the Qur'an surrah An-nur: 35.

For me, having the third eye, does not mean you can see the future, or see beyond physical realities. Some people might be given talent or gift to have that. But, having the third eye, means that you can deliver wisdom, or at least you try to deliver wisdom, to face reality of mundane.

In western science, the third eye, is common known in the neuro-psychology, as spot in the brain, called the pineal gland. A senior psychologist I know, said the the neoro-psycho scientist suspects the pineal gland as "the bridge" between soul and human body. Active pineal gland found in the brain of indigo child. Some Scentist in the west call pineal gland as the third eye.

Soul, a completely different entity from human physical bodies who can understand things beyond reality, and deliver the wisdom. Soul an eternal variable in us, human. The delicate one inside us who is longing for the truth. The substance. Entity who connects human with the Beyond. God.

In my understanding, and knowing of my limit as ordinary human, without extra abilities to see beyond realities or future, having the third eye, is the ability to transcend from routine live and problems, sees all from high above, and finding the substance in each reality, deliver the wisdom and act accordingly.

The ability to transcend famous in Sufism method as "to die". it means "to die" from everything that forming us now such as job, friends, family, books, music, etc. for me, "To die" does not mean we leave everything behind, or drawing the lines, but 'to die" means to detach all the things that- we think- is us. To die from classifications. to die from ownership. to die from definition. to die from the self.

To die of every "my" we know :))..
My job, My family, My parents, My computer, My handphone, My Car..
everything that we think, define us.

Its a way o f thinking "out of the box", boxes, literally.
Out from the job box, family box, friends box, conflict with boss in the office box.
Out, out, out from those reality that we know temporary. and not real.
to let the soul transcends and looking back to see everything in distance,
find the substances, with the eye of wisdom.

The third eye.

May God continue to show us the way.

summer dance

I wait you in the rainbow
let alone the jealous sky
thousand stars are wailing
shoving clouds
taming the wind

Lets play
down to sea,
dive to the bottom of the ocean

fly into the air,
touch the butterfly wings
hop to the trees
pick the mocking bird nest

this beauty,
let it be no words
let it be nothing
but us

ps: thanks kikujiro, you make me write again !...

Tombo Ati
by: opick

Tombo ati iku limo perkorone
Kaping pisan moco Qur’an lan maknane
Kaping pindo sholat wengi lakonono
Kaping telu wong kang sholeh kumpulono
Kaping papat kudu weteng ingkang luwe
Kaping limo dzikir wengi ingkang suwe

Salah sawijine sopo iso ngelakoni
Mugi-mugi Gusti Allah nyembadani

Obat Hati ada lima perkaranya
Yang pertama baca Qur’an dan maknanya
Yang kedua sholat malam dirikanlah
Yang ketiga berkumpullah dengan orang sholeh
Yang keempat perbanyaklah berpuasa
Yang kelima dzikir malam perbanyaklah

Salah satunya siapa bisa menjalani
Moga-moga Gusti Allah mencukupi

Jealousy, what is that actually?

A site tells jealousy typically refers to the negative or angry thoughts, feelings, and behaviors of insecurity, fear, and anxiety that occur when a person believes a valued relationship is being threatened by a rival, or when another person is perceived to have some type of advantage.

Jealousy often contains a mixture of emotions such as anger, sadness, disgust, which are focused by passion or anger. Parrott makes use of the cause of jealousy to define it: “jealousy is an emotion experienced when a person is threatened by the loss of an important relation with another person”

So basically, jealousy concerns something one has and is afraid of losing.
Jealousy is Fear.

Ok, then the question is, is there something that we really have?
we really own?
we dont even have our life
we dont even have our breath..

We are nothing, and have nothing.
and, so joker said: why we are so serious?

and I wrote a letter to a friend today, saying that, besides those ideals, we are pathetically just a modern, post modern human. We are what we read, we are the music that we listen too, we just a code of history ...

and we will leave everything, the form of -me-, soon.
the beautiful -me-,
the grand house of -me-,
proud children of -me-,
lover of -me-,
soon, soon...

And what we will bring when we meet God,
when our heart only full with flame of jealousy?

Dont let the flame burn garden of your heart
blurry your wisdom,
barring your vision,
and destroy your soul.

Salaam :))

Great monologue

O Me! O life !

of the questions of these recurring;
Of the endless trains of the faithless—of cities fill’d with the foolish;   
Of myself forever reproaching myself, (for who more foolish than I, and who  more faithless?)   
Of eyes that vainly crave the light—of the objects mean—of the struggle ever renew’d;   
Of the poor results of all—of the plodding and sordid crowds I see around me;          
Of the empty and useless years of the rest—with the rest me intertwined;   
The question, O me! so sad, recurring—What good amid these, O me, O life?      


That you are here—that life exists, and identity;
That the powerful play goes on, and you will contribute a verse.

- Walt Whitman

a love poet

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly without complexities abide.
I love you because I know no other way than this.
So close that your hand, on my chest, is my hand.
So close, that when you close your eyes, I fall asleep.

*Walt Whitman*


Beautiful quotes from Gitanjali, written by Rabindrannath Tagore:

I THOUGHT that my voyage had come to its end at the last limit of my power, that the path before me was closed, that provisions were exhausted and the time come to take shelter in a silent obscurity. But I find that thy will knows no end in me. And when old words die out on the tongue, new melodies break forth from the heart; and where the old tracks are lost, new country is revealed with its wonders.

ON the seashore of endless worlds children meet. The infinite sky is motionless overhead and the restless water is boisterous. On the seashore of endless worlds the children meet with shouts and dances. They build their houses with sand and they play with empty shells. With withered leaves they weave their boats and smilingly float them on the vast deep. Children have their play on the seashore of worlds.

They know not how to swim, they know not how to cast nets. Pearl fishers dive for pearls, merchants sail in their ships, while children gather pebbles and scatter them again. They seek not for hidden treasures, they know not how to cast nets. The sea surges up with laughter and pale gleams the smile of the sea beach. Death-dealing waves sing meaningless ballads to the children, even like a mother while rocking her baby's cradle. The sea plays with children and pale gleams the smile of the sea beach.

In the seashore of endless worlds children meet. Tempest roams in the pathless sky, ships get wrecked in the trackless water, death is abroad and children play. On the seashore of endless worlds is the great meeting of children .

THE sleep that flits on baby's eyes does anybody know from where it comes? Yes, there is a rumour that it has its dwelling where, in the fairy village among shadows of the forest dimly lit with glowworms, there hang two timid buds of enchantment. From there it comes to kiss baby's eyes.

The smile that flickers on baby's lips when he sleeps does anybody know where it was born? Yes, there is a rumour that a young pale beam of a crescent moon touched the edge of a vanishing autumn cloud, and there the smile was first born in the dream of a dew-washed morning, the smile that flickers on baby's lips when he sleeps.

The sweet, soft freshness that blooms on baby's limbs does anybody know where it was hidden so long? Yes, when the mother was a young girl it lay pervading her heart in tender and silent mystery of love, the sweet, soft freshness that has bloomed on baby's limbs.

WHEN I bring to you coloured toys, my child, I understand why there is such a play of colours on clouds, on water, and why flowers are painted in tints when I give coloured toys to you, my child.

When I sing to make you dance I truly know why there is music in leaves, and why waves send their chorus of voices to the heart of the listening earth when I sing to make you dance.

When I bring sweet things to your greedy hands I know why there is honey in the cup of the flower and why fruits are secretly filled with sweet juice when I bring sweet things to your greedy hands.I was tired and sleeping on my idle bed and imagining all work had ceased.

In the morning I woke up and found my garden full with wonders of flowers.

EVER in my life have I sought thee with my songs. It was they who led me from door to door, and with them have I felt about me, searching and touching my world.It was my songs that taught me all the lessons I ever learnt; they showed me secret paths, they brought before my sight many a star on the horizon of my heart.

secret garden

come to my secret garden..
where i put flowers right there
you can take it

come to my secret garden
where rose and lilies
just sparkling their beauty

you can take it
ill be happy.
take everything out, and ill be happy.

just come
and come again..
take everything you want

or you want to try the carousels
or merry go round?
play in the fountain?
you like the sounds of water..
are you not?

this is for free
for free..

come to my secret garden
where you can take a rest a little while
where love becomes the only word we speak
when there is no need to unveil the secret
because we already there

where there is no worry,
no jealousy
no miss understanding
no sadness
no separation
no ego

i give myself.

ps: based on a conversation with one of "The secret guard" and... Sundari Soekotjo's karaoke's song and some fruits in the table. Thanks for the lesson. Allhamdulilah. its always mythical.. :))

it is singing

light drop
on my lap
makes me understand
language without words
love, happiness, acceptance,
unity, blue sky, ocean
moon, stars, sun
there, there, there, there!
in my heart
it is singing,
my heart is singing

please forgive me..
will you accept my love?

Nuansa bening

Vocal and lyrics: Keenan Nasution
Cover version: Lucky Idol

oh, tiada yang hebat dan mempesona
ketika kau lewat di hadapanku
biasa saja

waktu perkenalan terjalin sudah
ada yang menarik pancaran diri
terus mengganggu

mendengar cerita sehari-hari
yang wajar tapi tetap mengasyikkan
oh, tiada kejutan pesona diri
pertama kujabat jemari tanganmu
biasa saja

masa perkenalan lewatlah sudah
ada yang menarik bayang-bayangmu
tak mau pergi

dirimu nuansa-nuansa ilham
hamparan laut tiada bertepi

kini terasa sungguh
semakin engkau jauh
semakin terasa dekat

akan ku kembangkan
kasih yang kau tanam
di dalam hatiku
menatap nuansa-nuansa bening
tulusnya doa bercinta

ps: September 1995 is our first letter's date.
Remember those letters?
it has been 13 years, Ndut..
and we're still continue the journey..
Funny, how sometimes mind plays trick on us..
thanks for being here with me, no matter what

Story of a day

Sunlight comes trough the window
warming my back, my chair, my desk, my PC
what is better than morning light?

Sun comes down,
the dim light carves the horizon
red, purple,orange and pink
Its fading.. rubbing my eyes

night comes
Moon reflects the Sun
stars scatters like humans
David Star the brightest
Nur Muhammad
the first, and the end

The earth, the sun,
the moon, the galaxy,
the universe

in where the stars falling
stone crashing
nebula hollowing

in where the new star born
old star frozen and fade away

all of us, the creatures
rotating, moving,
expanding, shrinking
in every bit of time
In every bit of time
In every bit of time


new soul

New soul
by Yael Naim, Yael is a French-Jewish singer.

I'm a new soul
I came to this strange world
Hoping I could learn a bit bout how to give and take
But since I came here, felt the joy and the fear
Finding myself making every possible mistake

La, la, la, la (21x)
La, la, la, la (21x)

See I'm a young soul in this very strange world
Hoping I could learn a bit bout what is true and fake
But why all this hate? try to communicate
Finding trust and love is not always easy to make

La, la, la, la (21x)
La, la, la, la (21x)

This is a happy end
Cause you don't understand
Everything you have done
Why's everything so wrong

This is a happy end
Come and give me your hand
I'll take you far away

I'm a new soul
I came to this strange world
Hoping I could learn a bit bout how to give and take
But since I came here, felt the joy and the fear
Finding myself making every possible mistake

New Soul... (la, la, la, la,...)
In this very strange world...
Every possible mistake
Possible mistake
Every possible mistake
Mistakes, mistakes, mistakes...

My way

In all the big questions,
answered and unanswered
the thirst and hunger,
we forgot that we can Feel

Love is feeling
that is real,
Love is answer
of the prayer

Love is the one that you find
in every fortune and happiness
Love also an empty space
after tears
after anger
and confusion
A gate
and way out

is sunshine..
apple of my eyes
breeze in my soul
wherever it stays in my heart

Welcome Ramadhan..
Let's fall in love..

only eternity

stop talking..
can we just stop the talk
and enjoy this beauty
let time leave us

without past
without future
without definition
without word

Stay still
let it touch you
feel ..
deep down
endless well of the soul

: picture by vincent van gogh (1890)

a fine wednesday afternoon

Nothing special today, except I realize more that life is a short contemporary artificial rhyme and rhythm. A passage. A special one, because I'm still in it now in the gigantic maze of mystery.

I still see human's life as a satire, a performance of an amnesia, in desperate attempt to unveil the cloak of meaning. hungry of light. meaning. Why we are here?

Even the angel asked God's in the moment of creation, the qur'an says:

When God said to the angel"I am going to place in the earth a khalif, they said: What! wilt Thou place in it such as shall make mischief in it and shed blood, and we celebrate Thy praise and extol Thy holiness? He said: Surely I know what you do not know" ( 2: 30)

Some, maybe hundreds, of man and woman bring the message of the One's and Only Creator, and basically say "this world is worth to live in, live and do good deeds to have heaven waiting for you.. ".

Then, we hear story of how our ancestors, Human, who is sure enough to bear the mandate that is rejected by the heavens and earth and mountain .. to be a Khalif.., to extend God's dimension, to be His representative in this Universe.

Our ancestors, the oldies, they have too much confident, aren't they? :), I wouldn't say arrogance.. But even the qur'an says:

Surely We offered the trust to the heavens and the earth and the mountains, but they refused to be unfaithful to it and feared from it, and man has turned unfaithful to it; surely he is unjust, ignorant; (33: 72)

its relieving to know that God's confirms my opinion.. pheew.. ..

But trough Muhammad the messenger, God's also ask us to ponder a riddle, He said:
""I was a hidden treasure and I loved to be known, so I created"

Looks like there is something special between Man and God, where He created this universe for man just to know Him.

But, we are, okay, me just a silly clown diving the material realm, buried my heart over the hedge, and forget everything..

Suddenly, I am here. With seem unbearable task, finding the Hidden treasure.

but, maybe its not unbearable at all because God says, :

"And when My servants ask you concerning Me, then surely I am very near; I answer the prayer of the suppliant when he calls on Me..." (2: 183)

Ring a bell? an empty paper of Dragon teaching ? No secret recipe at All? Kara? Giving in? Berserah Diri?

Believe. just Jump. and God is near..

Believe. and I will find You?

Im still pondering the riddle...

What a fine afternoon today


today i am baptized. My holly name is: " stupid anti smoking campaigner". Thanks to my friend -- a stubborn chained smoker (proudly, shamelessly, self admitted) -- who has bestowed me with such an honor.

I am, I am an anti smoking campaigner. I said no if someone want to smoke beside me, well with some exception: my sources in job, my boss, and someone that I really, really respect. it is just mechanism of survive :)).

But beside that. I say "NO" to smoking. Even marijuana, its better than smoke. its healthier. Well, i don't talk about the hallucinogenic effect of marijuana. I basically not agree with any form of artificial effect to make you "fly".. human has the capacity to go to "the sky" without those kinds of outside "stimulator".. trust me.

But smoke is different. It is generated by industrialist as way of life or part of the trend. Since 16 centuries cigarettes declared as addictive materials. Cigarettes becomes booming in United States since the advertising of a famous brand cigarettes showing a cowboy in the hill in 1967. But ironically, the Marlboro man, star of the add, died of lung cancer in 1997, after he appeared in the share holder meeting inside the company to consider the harmful effect of smoking. They said that they are not responsible with his health condition.

Anyway, I will not preach you about smoking. you can easily can Google it out, or just looking at the people around you. I witness its wicked effect. People that I loved passed away, partly because of cigarette. Don't tell me the statistic. I saw the x-ray. I saw the effect . I saw them dying.

so, stop smoking now, think about people you love.


There is a quote from a movie that becomes favorite for me and my husband nowadays:

"Yesterday is history, tomorrow is mystery, and today is a gift. that's why we call it present" (Oogway, Kung Fu Panda, 2008)

Sometimes, we are circled by our worries of the future, or something near future. Something that we don't even know the substances . Do we know the substance of what we hope for? Substance of our aspiration? Substance of what we want?

Meanwhile, when we are worries about the future, timid, doubtful, unrest, a hell in deed... we forget to enjoy what presented in front of us today. A warm hug, a nice smile, a cool breeze in the morning, a nice breakfast.. , a heaven.

Budha says, heaven and hell is now, not later.


May this is the only pray I know..

i' ve been tagged and tagging back..

Ive been tagged. This is second time. Okay, my 7 things...

7 Things

1. Lately, I sleep a lot and come late to the office.
2. If I like a song, I play that many times (thanks to mp3), and made people around me sick.
3. I abhor dishonesty, I trust in friendship.
4. Im a foolish altruist.
5. I believe if I wash my hair a lot, I will catch a cold.
6. I play only two songs in piano, Fur Elise and Romance D'amour
7. I like Beatles

The Rules:

1. Link to your tagger and post these rules on your blog.
2. Share 7 facts about yourself on your blog, some random, some weird.
3. Tag 7 people at the end of your post by leaving their names as well as links to their blogs.
4. Let them know they are tagged by leaving a comment on their blog

people i tagged:


how i remember you

If it's true from the start
That the names of those we love
Are written in our hearts
And we'll search 'till we find
In this jungle of Confusion
Something that reminds us

How we love each other

Then I think I've found the clue
Because I certain I remember you
Through my window I see
How the seasons change like notes

Within some harmony
But the love in our eyes
Is an endless summer
Is a joy that magnifies
Each time we touch each other
And it feels like Deja Vu
As my heart reveals
How I remember you

Day after day I'm amazed
How our love intensifies
In every way it resembles forever

Abandons us never

Like the sunlight that shines
Like the fragrance of the rose

No single word defines
We are tuned to the sound
That displays creation

That our lives revolve around
And sear
ching for each other

From a million hearts we choose
You remember me and I remember you
A chorus of sparrows in summer
Is how I remember you
The fire of maples in autumn

Is how I remember you
The silence of snowfall in winter
Is how I remember you

ps: a michael frank song.. beautiful poet is it? like us, our story.. :)).. miss you all..maming, mamah, papah, mas miko, mbak vie, viko, mas anton, dede, oliver...

What is in a name?

"What is in a name? that, which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet" (Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet)

I find that people are seriously struggling to find name for their child, and the struggle ends up with the child having a long, flowery names, that symbolizes their parents hope, dream, vision..or their great –great grand parent heritage, I might be one of the parent, I might stamp my children in the head with my hope, and my dream. But, since I haven't had children yet, gives me time to think, and reflect about this subject.

How about the child? Let say, --the subject of hope and dream of their parent— they don't like the name? And one day, in their life, as an ordinary human being, they made mistake that betray the name? Does name have function to remind him, the child? Or name became a bar, a prison that made one soul feel not free becoming their self?

I think it will be interesting, maybe, in the certain age, the child can choose their own name. We have to deal with some law consequences.. but, giving them a taste of freedom and responsibility would be .. quite challenging isn't it? J

Just a thought.

Ps: I feel want to share meaning of my name, in ancient English, it means bird chirping, and in Rumania means a cone head ( I think partly true, when I was a baby, my head like an ice cream cone, he he). It also name of a town in Slovenia, that based her name in a name of a church there.


I once asked what love is,
Is it a moment where i find myself
and fall in love with my own reflection
in the significant other?


When i just simply enjoy the beauty
of everything that presented in front of me
a wide ranges of beauty
in all creatures, all moment, in silent

Love is feeling, according to John Lennon
Feeling love
Love is real, he says

Love is heart, according to .. me
Love is Light
and fulfilling

May all of you enjoy love in your life
and find your true love once and for all

the wedding

I classify people at the wedding reception.
There are seven types of people that often appear at the wedding, no matter where the wedding is. An expensive wedding, cheap wedding, a garden party, in hype hotels, or in a public street... where you need to put a blockade sign to prevent car or motorcycle passing through, (hei, its common here.. speaking about public right violation.. :)), here, neighbour is part family, or part enemy depending on your mood, ha, ha)
Okay let's start with..

1. The busiest and the "bossiest"

The first and foremost type in this people is the way they walk. Always full speed. And their face is always tense. They ussualy carry a handy-talky, or a mobile phone, or an ear phone that hanging in their ears. They walking back and forth, urge people in the uniform (a wedding committee uniform, you see them with dress in the same style and color, or using a pin in the same place, the same a groups of flock in the lake) to do A and B.
The busiest and the bossiest are rarely smile.

And dont try to make a joke in front of them, what you get is only the cold, indifference smile. Usually, this type has blood tie with the groom or bride.. and they have to responsible every single thing in the event. From the pin to attach the bride cloth, where they put the ring, until.. how to save the couple from an old friend that keep talking and makes hundreds guess queue..

2. The uncontrolled kids

These people are easy to recognize.. cute, and small.. and manipulative, he he. They want more ice cream, want to be in every picture, look under the bride wedding gown, or sometimes pose as doll in the laps of the groom. they run and scream, dance, and sing, free as a bird, in someone else merry. But without them, i think its not real wedding party.

3. The "don't know what to do" people

You see them standing awkwardly in the middle of the crowd, most of them are in the uniform, but not enough confident to show that they are responsible.. hesitate to join the food festive, their eyes gaze confusingly and wait for the order... usually their uniform, is too big, or too short but they have to wear it anyway.. these are the "dont know what to do" people. Ussualy a far relative, or closed friends.. they have the previlege to use the uniform, but there is no spesific duty for them.. so they just keep hoping someone told them to do something.. and they can escape from embarrassing confusion.

4. The Photographer
They have most of the authority. They can ask a minister or president to follow their order. They keep their eye for every single thing that they can freeze. A sour smile, a children cry, a jealous eye, everything. The wedding photographer is the real power holder in every wedding.

5. The food hunter or food taster
They are the happiest face in the wedding. Shaking hand the wedding couple is in the last list. Some of them even dont know the wedding couple. Their eyes always trying to find a new target in the table. Always going around, and around.. with mouth full...

6. The catharsis
You can see this people.. singing with pitch voice, or dancing in a very strange gesture.. they laugh a lot and loudly.. they seem the happiest, yet they are the saddest. they only try to find a place to escape their sorrow..

The last but not least is:

7. the "w" couple

Yah, you know them. They have the most conspicuous outfit among all, and most of them having too much make up. if you curious to see normal man using lipstick.. there. I rarely see groom look nice in the wedding. They seem alienated. But, the bride.. well, they should be the most beautiful of all... but, wait until they see another woman fetch attention of their newly husband.. hum, they changed became tiger. I think most of the groom doesnt like the costume. Its like join a carnival, but you are the center. Its like being a phony King and Queen.. its not cool at all.

and the most interesting question is: What is in the mind of the couple? What do they think about giving their life to the other, after this party over. After all those people gone, what will they do?

quote in unknown email

i open an email today, its not for me, but from a conversation in a mailing list that I rarely open.
i dont know the sender, or people in the conversation,
But there is interesting quotes, that well, not really perfect in sound..
but not bad. It says:

" In life, you will realize that the people you meet have a purpose. Some were put there to test you, some would use you, some would teach you and some would bring out the better, if not the best in you. Some may even cause you pain and heartache, but one must learn to move on. So pray for the people who can not treat you right, and Thank God for those who love you back and see your worth. In the end, it between You and God. And not you and them, "

A bit defensive :)), but still interesting.

In the end it between you and God.
Between me and God.
Between me and You, God..
its always two of Us..
isn't that beautiful?

Theru's song (Teruu no Uta)

Twilight on the clouds
a hawk is flying
always alone.
He must be sad.
In the wind without no sounds
he cannot rest
his wings clutching the air.

What can I compare my heart to,
my heart is like he´s.

What can I compare my heart to,
My sadness is wheeling in the sky

At a rock shadow in drizzling rain
a flower is small in bloom.
She must be painful.
In the rain with dim colour
she has no one caressed her pink faint petal.

What can I compare my heart to,
My heart is like she's.
What can I compare my heart to,
I feel painful like as being exposed to the rain.

On a path through an almost empty field
Im walking with the hawk
He must feel lonely too.

On the grass where the insects chirp

you and I walking together.
But you hardly talk.

What can I compare my heart to, this heart that is going alone.
What can I compare my heart to, What can I compare this loneliness to..

Soundtrack of: Tales from the earthsea/Gedo Senki (Japan animee) by Ghibli Studio
English translation put in the website

my story:

Behind the song, its a japan animee movie called "Tales of the earthsea" (gedo senki),
its a movie about the fighting between the warrior of truth with the evil and the wickedness.

The sad song potrays the loneliness of the warrior's heart following his destiny as a knight.
Only he and his heart, walking along the path that bring him to meet another enemy.
The path where no one around to praise him. The silent path.

I think this song is a song of every of us who is longing to be in the shade of truth.
Every of us, walking in the silent path, fighting with our own evil and wickedness
the fighting where no one around, where, only you and your heart do the fighting
in the heaviest battle of life, the battle against yourself.

May God is the only friend in our battle..
and May He who wait for us in the end of this silent path..

meanwhile, please enjoy the song..
its for us, the lonely heart..

The ballad of my wallet (my thinking of being saint)

today, when i tell almost everybody in my inner circle that I lost my wallet.. the general expression is: "Ah, finally !" it is very much common for them to shout something close to .. acceptance and understanding, sometimes sounds forgiving, when it comes to my things and lost. A something that they are sure it can not be changed anymore, something like a faith.

Anyway I (finally) lost my wallet on Saturday night, complete with Rp. 2000 -, a credit card, several banks atm cards, a brand new citizen ID (yup. here, in Indonesia we are just number, you don't have number, you are wiped out from the civilization :)), pictures of my beloved nephews, picture me and my husband (the h) when we were young, beautiful and free :)) and ah.. this is the saddest part.. 5 tickets of "kungfu panda" that me, h, and nephews plan to
watch that night. Me for the second time and first time for the nephews..

We are there in a crowded amusement park in a mall on west Jakarta, walking back and forth to buy more and more tickets (they said Token, for ticket, there), balloons, ice creams, holding balloon in one hand, and unfinished glasses (glasses!!, imagine..) of drink in another. Not forget using camera phone to take memorable pictures of my 2 years old nephew ride his carousel for the first time, taking the flying ship for the first time, and anything for the first time, for him everything is magic. For us the adults, everything is for their smile and laugh.

Until I realize, five minutes after I find out that I running out cash in my wallet to buy more ticket, its gone. My wallet is gone. i can not find it anymore, in my bags, in the seats, in the floor. Just gone. Well I dont react much.. I mean, well, there is a time for everything, right? Loosing somethin
g its not as hard as loosing someone, dont you think so? you just make a phone call to make sure everything blocked, go to nearest police post, filing report, you can have everything back, just like before. You can buy the same wallet if you want. (and also this is secret, I don't have much money)

If there is a lesson learn in this moment, beside my clumsiness which is already my middle name, I know it is moral message to myself: my thinking of me, being saint. What? ?..

Hum, Ok, this is my revelation.. :))

I almost lost my wallet for several times (this explain you the "Ah finally!" words, right?).. i remember two quite dramatic events (not including uncounted incidents where i left it in my home or in office desk)

first i left it in a cafe in my office building, I remember that after several hours. I Bid my luck, call up the security, trailing them trough the phone to walk to the cafe, searching and thanks God, its back to me. (This story is not THAT happy, i mean... I find out that I lost my wallet, in the middle of dinner with H in a quite fancy restaurant. Can you imagine your date spent all time glued in her mobile, talked begingly to someone else, in the middle of dim light, roses and steak?)

Secondly I drop my wallet in a street, it plungs to a streetwhole full with rain water.. I dont realize until some 10 - 15 minutes, then ask my car to stop and walk stoic-ly (stoic because im sure where i drop it) almost 300 meters back, crossing the roads, walked pass the ojek groups and everything, and there. someone in the stores nearby find it, keep it, and handed to me, when I arrive there. It's surely magic in this poor country, right? you drop your wallet in the street, and someone take it and give it back to you? its almost a miracle!

In the way home, after the second incident, I start to think oh.. Why God is so kind to me? And i start to remember what I have done.. ah, i am eligible enough for His help i guess, im good enough.. I might be a saint.. Oh God. Its not surprising me.. I am good. i have done many things...

He he..

Thanks God, Allhamdulilah, finally I lost my wallet. I am not saint.
and I still have that C hanging in my middle name. The clumsiest of all..

mas miko

Widyatmiko nugroho
may, 12 1969 - may, 18 2008
Coolest brother, always smell good,
a blues guitar player
Most loving,
caring, honest,
sincere man
please embrace him
with Your Love..

ps: and please protect and love his son and wife too

my classic ship

I sail to the sun
shaving the morning mist
feel the wave on the ocean bliss

"show me the north!"
the carving compass
stay still,
glued in the hull

I, a hideous giant in hiding
captain in my classic ship
stand up on the deck
against the sun light
hoping its burning me right

Golden ray of sun
resplendent in the peaceful ocean
captivating me
in the joy of sunrise

Golden ray of sun
let me feel the warmest
of your touch
here in my park
here in my lake
here, in me

mon cherry

If I can give you my heart
I will give you
since its not mine
I just say

just hold on to your pure heart
caresses softly
listen to its story
its pain
its happiness
its gay and liberty

inside your heart
find the spot
where you feel happy and content
avoid the place
where you feel dreadful and sad

knock the door of your heart
say: salaam..
and listen

its humming
like the summer sound
sing the song,
its an easy song
and dance
embrace life!
with the music of your heart

hold on to your heart
it will mend your wound
fix your broken dream
and flying you up
up there to sky

Spring and Autumn

Dear God,
If I feel happy
let my heart blooms
like flowers in spring
feel the breeze of a cooling wind
dancing with the bird sing

Dear God,
If I feel sad
let my heart feel
the wisdom of autumn

enjoy the fallen leafs
the grey colors
wrapped in a warm jacket
in the chill

And I will let the tears and laugh
If there is
with me in all season
as long as I
continue to find
a secret place
where I only be with You


Jakarta, 27 Januari 2006

Adalah hal yang aneh, apabila kita telah mencapai batas kesedihan atau kesakitan yang amat sangat, di satu titik kita tidak bisa merasakan apa2, atau tepatnya kita tidak mempunyai cukup ruang di otak kita untuk mengekspresikan itu. Yang dirasakan malah sebaliknya, seperti orang ingin tertawa sepuas-puasnya, terbahak-bahak, berguling-guling, atau malah diam membatu. Mungkin ini batas antara kenormalan dan kegilaan.

Orang, dalam pilihan yang sadar, mungkin bisa memilih menjadi gila atau tidak. Orang gila adalah orang yang berani dalam satu batasan tertentu, sebab dia menuruti hatinya, gejolak pikirannya dan berani terlepas dari kebiasaan orang-orang di sekitarnya. Jika ibu kita mati misalnya, adalah hal yang cukup gila misalnya, jika kita malah tertawa berguling-guling di pemakamannya, tapi siapa yang bisa memahami rasa sakit, dan sedih yang telah mencapai batas dan menjadi tidak tertanggungkan, otak menjadi kebingungan dimana menempatkan signal yang selama ini tidak pernah dikenalinya. Orang sering bilang dalam pembicaraan sehari-hari yang kasar dan terbuka bahwa "otak orang itu korslet," Begitulah, kata yang terdengar asal itu mempunyai makna yang cukup ilmiah.

Secara lebih filosofis, kalau bisa dikatakan begitu, manusia dengan bentuk kesadaran yang berbeda dari mahluk-mahluk bertulang belakang lainnya, mempunyai kebutuhan yang mendasar, melebihi kebutuhan makan atau sex, yaitu kebutuhan untuk memaknai. Memaknai apa yang terjadi pada dirinya, pada lingkungan sekitarnya. Memberi makna selain memberikan kepuasan tuntutan dasarnya, juga membuat dia dan dirinya ada. Ada dalam makna yang dirangkaikannya sendiri.

Berbagai kitab suci dijadikan manusia sebagai pegangan untuk memaknai, ada orang-orang yang berani atau frustasi, mencoba lari dari semua kitab suci, dan bertanya – tanya dan mencari-cari sendiri. Kemana akhirnya? Itulah mungkin yang disebut Dante dalam Divine Comedia, pemaknaan saya (yang sudah pasti sangat subjektif) dengan segala kekelamannya tentang hidup sesudah mati dan juga imaginasi nya ttg keindahan surga, Dante mencoba mentertawai hidup manusia. Suatu komedi, yang tragis. Mereka tidak meminta untuk dilahirkan. Dan ada di dunia ini dengan pilihan-pilihan, ada surga dan neraka dalam pilihannya. Menuruti nafsunya atau menahan. Tapi apakah dia,manusia meminta ada dalam kehidupan ini? Lantas kenapa dia dihukum untuk pilihan-pilihannya?

Dalam segala bentuk keimanan, memang ada yang namanya lompatan. Melompat untuk mengimani. Ada orang –orang yang melompat demi menuruti lingkungna sosialnya, dan tentu saja ini amat hipokrit dan pengecut. Ada yang melompat karena menemukan "pencerahan" dalam keimanannya itu. Seseorang menjadi komunis, misalya karena komunis memberinya pencerahan untuk ketiadaan kelas dalam masyarakat. Atau seseorang berjilbab, karena menemukan keleluasan yang sifatnya tidak fisikal, dan disisi lain orang dapat mengimani nudisme, sebab percaya bahwa manusia adalah juga bagian yang natural dari alam dan adalah menolak hal yang alamiah apabila dia berpakaian, atau berhubungan sex dengan perkawinan. Berbagai macam lompatan. Tentu saja lompatan yang paling melegakan untuk semua manusia, adalah lompatan yang jujur.

Apakah ada yang dapat menilai kejujuran? Yang terletak, dan tersembunyi dalam beberapa lapisan hati?

Kembali pada kesedihan atau rasa sakit, mungkin seseorang dapat mengurangi kesedihan dengan mecoba merangkaikan makna-makna. Benar atau tidaknya, saya yakin, kejujuran hatinya yang akan bergetar,seperti radar. Jika dia mengada-adakan makna, atau memang dia menemukannya. Tidak ada yang harus dipaksakan. Biarkan airmata atau tawa, kesedihan mengalir menemukan muara maknanya sendiri. Yang jujur.

Bandung, 25 Mei 2008

Dan Kesedihan itu ternyata tidak selalu berbentuk air mata. Dia bisa berupa rasa mual, batuk yang tidak berhenti-henti atau sesak nafas.
Tapi kehilangan, kematian, semua adalah bagian dari hidup. Ketetapan. Tidak ada yang bisa dilakukan kecuali menyerahkan jiwa, raga, pada Sang Pemilik Kehidupan. Berserah diri.

ps: dont hide your tears, vik.. and let the angels amuse you..

empty shell

I am just an empty shell
full with sand
splashing my dirt
I am just an empty shell
in the ocean

The sun and the moon

one day sun said to the moon:
"sorry, I can not stop my light from touching you"
are you okay, is it too hot?"
and moon said:
"Nope.. its alright. it makes me shinning in the dark"

one day moon said to the sun:
"why do you stop the light?"
sun said:
"No, i dont.
But this earth standing in the way.
barring my light"

One day sun said to the moon:
"I feel tired, this earth blocking my light.
I will not shine anymore. too much shadow. Too dark.
and moon said:
"No, the light is in you, you can not stop the light. It will pass. Everything will pass.
Trust me, "

One day, the earth is back to its place. and the eclipse over.

and the moon
and the sun
back in their role
shining, all the way.

somehow, they missed the conversation.

in a delay

I hover from time to time
place to place
Frozen in the vacant seat
in unknown airports
landed in a place without name
not necessarily mentions in a map
people talk in a rhyme sound,
i can not catch one word
I do know by heart, a sincere smile
questioning this frivolity
hoping for a leap
for a mean
and fly

Ode to my child

My daughter or son or..
if i get old and boring
patronizing you with
all these mundane structures

everything that you might not understand
everything that you might hate
or tend to break
remind me that I have told you this

That, this world is keeping secrets
waiting to be unveiled
this world is not only miseries
and robotic act
and put your humanity behind the bar

But this world is offering you with million of possibilities
and adventure and magic
fairies, heroes, gods are not tale
We are part of a long story of humans
We are the miracle

This world is always
a battle of good and evil
and in the end
goodness is always win
Honesty will always win
Sincerity will always win
Even if people play you around
and betray
of your fond purity
let them be

Since the world is keeping secrets
waiting to be unveiled
Sky is keeping secrets
waiting to be unveiled
Your heart is keeping secrets
waiting to be unveiled

Only the winner who can unveil
the one who always, always
follow their heart

Then, never stop to redefine
ask questions
be foolish
and free

and remind me,
that I have told you this
even when I still dont know
if i can have you

This world is too sedative
and hard for us to wake
paying loan is bigger than dream
the real is better to have dream
and avoid the loan :))

If I got old and whining
ask you to have good job, house
to get married and have kids
remind me that I have told you this

This world has no boundaries
You have no boundaries
We are the miracle
Just be you

Real Love

All my little plans and schemes,
lost like some forgotten dreams.
Seems that all I really was doing
was waitin' for you

Just like little girls and boys,
playing with their little toys.
Seems like all we really were doing
was waitin' for love.

lonely to be alone,
no need to be alone.

It's real love, it's real,
Yes it's real love, it's real.

From this moment on I know,
exactly where my life will go.
Seems that all I really was doing
was waitin' for love.

No need to be afraid,
no need to be afraid.

It's real love, it's real,
Yes it's real love, it's real.

Thought I'd been in love before,
but in my heart I wanted more.
Seems like all I really was doing
was waitin' for you.

lonely to be alone,
No need to be alone.

It's real love, yeah it's real,
It's real love, it's real,
Yes, it's real love, it's real,
It's real love, it's real,
Yes it's real love, it's real,
It's real love, it's real,
Yes it's real love, it's real,
It's real love, it's real,

Yes it's real love

The Beatles

Say I am you

I am dust particles in sunlight.
I am the round sun.

To the bits of dust I say, Stay.
To the sun, Keep moving.

I am morning mist,
and the breathing of evening.

I am wind in the top of a grove,
and surf on the cliff.

Mast, rudder, helmsman, and keel,
I am also the coral reef they founder on.

I am a tree with a trained parrot in its branches.
Silence, thought, and voice.

The musical air coming through a flute,
a spark of stone, a flickering in metal.
Both candle and the moth crazy around it.

Rose, and the nightingale lost in the fragrance.
I am all orders of being, the circling galaxy,
the evolutionary intelligence, the lift, and the falling away.

What is, and what isn't.
You who know, Jelaluddin,
You the one in all, say who I am,

Say I am You

Jelaluddin El Rummi

love of antonio de carlie

Listen the sardonic story of Antonio de Carlie,
a priest from Brazil who flew with thousand of balloons
He staged the stunt to raise money for his church
it was a foolish things to do, one might say
but I said, why not?
it is good being foolish once in your life
and be free

The news said de Carlie went missing
some of his balloons was found floating
in the Brazilian coast..
but his body was never found..

Somehow, its good to be Carlie
being foolish, believing your faith
being foolish and free
it's expression of love
we are foolish when we are in love
like de carlie..
He might die happy..

so, friends be foolish
be free
and let the wind take you away..

ps: picture taken from reuters photo: its Antonio de Carlie with his balloons. Stunning.

bhrams lullaby

Lullaby and good night, with roses bed night
With lilies o'er spread is baby's wee bed
Lay thee down now and rest, may thy slumber be blessed
Lay thee down now and rest, may thy slumber be blessed

Lullaby and good night, thy mother's delight
Bright angels beside my darling abide
They will guard thee at rest, thou shalt wake on my breast
They will guard thee at rest, thou shalt wake on my breast

ps: in a memory of a peaceful night :)

True Love

Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking,
it is not easily angered,
it keeps no record of wrongs.
It does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.
I Corinthians 13:4-8a -

ruang kecil

Tidak pernah cukup kata,
melukiskan ini
Sejak dulu
ruang kecil itu
selalu saja kosong
dan cahaya-Mu merayu,
menarikku kembali
dalam pusaran kerinduan yang menyakitkan
melihat kembali, ruang kecil itu
ternyata tidak pernah terisi

all is love

Children of the ocean,
I see a boy in both of you
and I am here
feel your both tears
share laugh to your bitter life
i am just here
and feel
never bother me
or ask what i feel
what i don't feel
never try to reach me
or, get rid of me
or share my tears
or share my laugh
it's not what i am here for
Let the angels witness my pain, laugh and tears
But, i feel you both
feel your both pain
feel your both quest
witness you both
just let it be
all is love

ps: hopefully, both became triple, dozens, hundred, thousand, million, billion...

silent voices

Naomi Sosuke*) teaches me something.
You don't need to moan to feel the pain
Hold your tongue, the silent will take over
It teaches you the secret of pain
: silent voices

, a sleepy novel by Naomi Sosuke.

mirror cracked

Mirror cracked,
if you tell her
your shadow

Mirror cracked
if you think
you are more
than your reflection

Miror cracked
if you hit her
with your shameless

Doa cengeng


Jika memang duka adalah bagian dari hidupku
Maka perjalankanlah aku kepada-Mu
Dengan itu

Jika kepahitan cinta adalah bagian dari hidupku
Maka perjalankanlah aku kepada-Mu
Dengan itu

Bebaskan aku dari harapan Tuhanku
Bahkan dari keindahan
Bahkan dari penemuan-penemuan
Bebaskan aku Tuhanku

Dan pertemukanlah aku Dengan-Mu

sm (self-mocking) : kata "kepahitan cinta" dangdut banget .. :))..
ini kaya tulisan2 di tembok WC SMA. a whole rangkaian kata2 ini memang dangdut banget.. he, he..

Tokyo state of mind*)

it was tokyo in my mind
when I waited for taxi last friday

not the glittering part of Ginza
nor the fancy restaurant,
but a dim part , the silent corner,
near Ueno and Minowa
the street with no name
I waited for taxi there two years ago
and I remember there was no people

Except huge streets
and cars passing by
i just joined a summer dance
in a suburban
where people gathered to celebrate warmest month of the year..
the music was surreal, the dance was nothing near beautiful
it was only two old ladies with Yukata*)
and moving in strangest dance I ever seen
and asking people to make a circle and dance together
i joined the circle
blended myself with the rhythm
they asked me to claps
followed their move, and laughed at my confusion
and me, laughed at myself
i remember a scene in milan kundera's book of laughter and forgetting
when bohemian students gather to make a circle and dance during the rally
and their circle is flying away, they are flying away, way, way out to the sky..
It is Tokyo in my mind
still today, right now
the air, the cloud, the people,
can a city made your heart fall, so badly?
especially a megapolitan where humans are so indifference?
where people found killing themselves is, was, way out of honor?
why I retained peace where people killing their souls with machine?
If i can sing like Billy Joel,
I would say "Im in the Tokyo state of mind.. "

*)taken from billy joel song: newyork state of mind
*) yukata= simple kimono for summer
*) the dim picture was picture near minowa, where i stayed the last time i visited Tokyo..
its not exjactly the street where i feel dejavu, but looked like it