happiness is to die (before death)

I dropped by to site of a famous author tonight.

In one of his post, he questioned about meaning of happiness. Its a cliche question, I thought. This question might appear if one feel empty about whats going on around him. I sometimes question my life in the same, philosophical tone.

I was reading hundred of answers from the reader fans, when i realized, its hard to me to find my own definition. I dont feel that any of this words represent what I feel about happiness, or I experienced about happiness, or whether my happiness, is the real happiness, what is the real happiness, anyway? what is happiness?

finally, i stuck to the famous author question: what is happiness, siska? now, im questioning myself. its not cliche after all.

I feel happy if I understand, thats first.
And what my understanding about this worldly life?
its nothing. Why its nothing? because it is.
Your carrier, Your house, People you love, even you is nothing.
Its aging. Its decaying. Its fragile.
All is and will become nothing.
humans, their proud building, creations, movies, poets,
islands, sea, sky, galaxy, all is dust.
Its hardly deniable fact.

I feel happy if I share, that's second.
In the opposite, this nothingness of this worldly life, offers you a meaning
if you share your likeness, your things, your love, your understanding, to others.
you feel that there is a meaning of your existence.

So life is something, and real. Because it brings you many experiences to learn. This reality brings you means. Despite, we the material things in life nothingness existence, life is something.

Hum? human, and life... and what is lacking of this picture?

off course, the Creator.
He who creates humans, ant, bacteria, stars, planet, galaxy, who whispers you ideas, source of creativity that we witness in this universe. Source of beauty, Source of unreachable understanding, of everything that we can not think of, but we know is there. Source of energy. Source of us, and everything around us. The opposite of nothingness, He is everything. He makes the scenario, He engineers the interaction of things. The source of perfection.

SO, the only way to be happy is, to understand the nothingness, share something in this reality, following the scenario of the Creator. out of the nothingness, and join with the Creator's plan...

But the ultimate question are: what to share? How can we know the creator plan? How can we know the Creator?

i think, first, to know, and to really find out, to be constantly in the state, to be in the know, that we are nothing.. like in the state of death.

to die? yes, unfortunately, or fortunately.. to die while we life. to die before death.
how about that?

(to be continued)

ps: to die before death, title of a book contained Bawa Muhaiyadden teaching, i once, read.

to the pond

Bring me close
to the pond of wisdom
to the content heart
and tranquil soul

open this eyes
show me things that lost from sight
covered by dust of mind, sins and desire

Source of Light
Cleanse me with knowledge that no one knew
keys to open secret gate of my heart
to find what You want of me
my sacred vow

bring me close
to the pond of wisdom
that You owned

how to see the world without perspective

my favorite question when i was a journalist .. was.." what is your perspective about.." i often intrigued to explore, one's view, their personal reference, on a subject, represented in a frame called "perspective".

The word "perspective" is sophisticated enough to make source impressed, and think that i was not ordinary journalist.. This word, "perspective" brings me to become friend withseveral names that you often read in newspaper, made me looks, somehow, smart.

The problem was, and this is secret, ... when they answered my question, and explained their "perspective" i was dragged into unknown territory. Most of them put theories in their answer. You can imagine, how can I understand diplomat excitingly explained the iraqi war with well... theories, or seismologist explained the earthquake with scientific words.. and they didnt know, that they were facing the dumbest journalist in the world..

My way to survive, was, showing a vacant expression, asking some logic that i couldnt reach (LOGIC not meaning of words, because it wasting time, and showing the "dark side" of me) and wrote in capital alphabet in my notebook words that i can't understand. In the office, Google settled my problem.

Well it was 7 months ago.

Seeing my rather comical experience from far away, i realize when i asked someone about their perspective, their answer was not their own perspective but other person perspective by quoting theories, or wise words from some wise man. One said: nothing new under the sun..
but i think total submission to one's theory showing your inability to portray world with your own eyes.

the first step to release yourself from such, unoriginal attitude, is release yourself from theories. Think outside the box. radically, there is no perspective about anything. let your eyes wide open then try to say things as it is, to see things as it is.

I know, its rather impossible. It's like challenges wheel of civilization (he he i can't belive i wrote "wheel of civilization" made me look smart, huh? ) . but who knows, what you will find. You create your own words, understanding, definition, and theories. Off course it will be influenced by how many books you read, music you listen to, but anyway, there is no" your perspective, as long as you quote theories.

eve maybe there is no perspective about anything, first.
Only you and fact in front of you. and you start digging.
somehow, i think, God like this better.

full moon

how to tell the full moon, that,
you are in love with her light?

: it is not hers
it is the Sun,
always the Sun.


Life teaches us to stay light like the air
Even when lightning tear off our sky
or thunder storms our silent bay
we are still nothing, nay
we are still nothing
and why bother to overly react?

life teaches us to be strong like the old tree
stay still, unshaken
she lets the children climb up her branch
dont mind if its cracked
she has given the best for each time she grows
no matter when she cut off
or die in time
she'll be ready

Life teaches us to be honest like children laugh
free, open, unaffraid..
their clarity inviting the light
made the children so curiously happy
even in the dark

Life teaches us to be down to earth...
the earth
to spread out
and accept
try to be fertile
and safe

a sanctuary for the plants, for the people
for the ships, and animals
for the kinds, for the culprit

Life teaches us to seek who we are
since we are living in a beauty of rhyme
since we are involving in unexpected game
since we are challenged in unknown territories
who we are,
what is life,
why we are here?

Life teaches us to learn and find the answer


What can I tell of the silent?
Its just there with me in a stream of strange notes
It shows you how to see inside of things, than outside
To look closer in everything and create distance in the same time

Live is poignant misery if we see from one side
I’ve traveled around the world only to see
people like to argue than to find harmony
A one side,
Winning, competition, fame, gold, and glory..
But nothing offers me this strange notes I’ve found
Here in my place, now.

What can I tell of the silent?
When everything, past and recent, moving slowly
With no sound
Showing nothing than my beast
O! illusion, the illusion of me,

Let the silent shatter all
Teach me its nature,
to move unsound
But making stream notes,
and show me things.

Sudirman's Sun

Sudirman is name of the road that i've been working in a foreign company, for more than 7 years.. or 8 years.. anyway, quite a long time.. Working in foreign company creates such a comfort zone that some people dream of. Good payment and easy, easy, easy job.

Easy because what they need mostly is your local knowledge, local wisdom, and solution. Thats why they hired you as "local staff". No matter how good you are, in front of them you just a "local staff". An indigenous that they hire to make them understand the native land.

Good thing working with foreigner was you were challenged with completely different culture and mindset, standard, ( interesting to learn.. but after several years, you feel exhausted because it always you who have to made adjustment, simply because its them who write number in your salary slip)

And it would be harder if you work with a nation who used to be isolated for thousand years, before accepting foreigners in their land. Tendency of closed mindset is obvious. You see them as a puppet in a string (works controls them) and if you smart enough you can be the puppeteer. However, a lonesome puppeteer, knowing that they see you as their reflection.

Several months ago, with all syndrome of fatigue and feel of under utilized and a good agreement on pension compensation (he he, thats' important, guys), I decided to quit.

Reason? well, anything.. took a master degree, resting..

The decision is so relieving, more than i realize, and i got pregnant.. a month after. Wow. and it seems a successful one.. (hopefully.. please God).. Now, im entering the last month working here.

Well, im gonna miss this office a litlle bit. Especially, financial assuredness every month. But, one must make decision, take a step ahead (maybe not comforting for a while)... and im sure, a great adventure, happier life and bright future waiting ahead. Like morning sun I very much enjoy this morning in Sudirman.