True Love

Once, someone told me 
true love is The Sun
Burn itself to lit the dark 
Give you a way of clarity 
of yourself and things around you 

And I said, 
now,

True love is brevity 
to take steps of silence 
to know your hidden beast inside 
and find the light, 
yes, 
the light inside you that will ignite 
you to shine 

once true love is in your hand
it will not go away
it will lead you to the journey within
to find  the True Love
that it is Your Self

[ a note about Love, on Sunday]





Dream

I stumbled in a friend status on ... well u can mention anything in this social media era, FB, Twitter.. he said, "living the dream" hum...
it made me thinking over my life. everything good happening to me is happened just as that. Or everything happened to me, far different than my dream, or something that i never dream off.

First, I never dream worked in a foreign media, and I did.

(my dream was working in Tempo magz, but I failed in Psi-Test, :). and I hate that. I hate Psi-Test. I think its unfair and.. blalalalal , ogh.. see? i still wanting working in the magz.. ha ha.. after more than 10 years,God.. )

the first reason why i applied to the job, because a good friend handed me the advertisement she got from a newspaper, and said: "Its good for you!" , well, i thought why not? at that time i worked in so called a night news paper, a day dreaming concept that ppl need something to read before they sleep, so we published news paper released at 8 pm, ha ha!. why i worked in such uncovincing institution?  i just need a job, any job.. anyway, i worked there, and i keep laughing inside. They pour money for something for me, ridicoulous. The editorial chief, a nice guy, keep convincing me its  a good idea. He knew, though,  that i didnt buy it.  But, they agree to pay me monthly and i need monye,  so well i have no problem, even if they wanted to publish the news paper at midnight. he he he..

Then, there, the vacancy, a japanese news agency. I didnt expect much, though. I sent two pages of my CV through fax at 1 am.  then I receive a call, for interview, then a writing test, then an interview again. .. then, from more than 300 applicants, they chose one.
Working there, created experiences that i never been expected. travel and travel and travel. I know meaning of pasport, visa, immigration, jet-lag, something beyond my comprehension. I enjoyed that, I enjoyed the traveling. I crossed different land, ppl, and cultures.  The work, well its a journalist work, what to expect? nothing new, expect off course the pressure. heaviest pressure in work i ever feel. But, it made me learn something, japanese is good as friend, but if you can, avoid to work with them, ha hahaa. I learn a lot off course. I love Japan and its ppl, it just part of me, it wont be riped off. But, Im beginning to suspect myself, if i have chanced to visit Europe, as often as i visited Japan, I might think that Europe is part of me too..

Second, I never dream to have a business. and I do, now. (plus working as an editor, which is, a bit tiring)

I always thought myself a bohemian writer. I dont do business. I never think about money or future. i dont save money, I pour money in books, books, travel, and good food.. ( this behaviour change, soon, when my boy start to enter his playgroup, and i realize the education fee is crazy here, and its the opposite with the qualty.  deep in my heart i imagined , ssst, its secret, to move to Finland, or  any other countries that give free education and deliver world best quality teaching. ..)

So, i why again become a businessman? i didnt plan that either.

In a very delicate situation, ( I worked in very difficult situation, every morning, I pray to God, please God give me new job) I applied to many companies no answer. until at that day, my birthday, i prayed in fresh, and serene morning, i said: "God, anyone who call me today (for work) it is my way, " .. Hm.. then out of the blue, and old friend call me.  He is husband of one of my best friend. asking me to join him in a writing project. and not only that, later in our meeting, he offered me to join his company, as a partner. Then I resigned. I gave up my salary, which considering not bad.  Join my friend in a writing project, then to feed the company we must looking for projects, and projects, and now, we have 8 ppl working with us.. My salary now, is not bad either, and i have the divident to, as i have almost 50% share (49,5) .. and i dont have to go to the office everyday, i can work form home.  I can see my kids grows. What can be better than that?
 the best thing is, we can give to our staffs insurance, and pension schme.. Allhamdulilah,  i see the bright future. Insya Allah.

Third, I never dream to be a Mother.
Now, i am a mother of two. actualy in 2006, or 7 i have a dream to see a boy smile at me in a sunny day, in a beach. and when my boy smile at me (now, he's 3 yr old) i know by heart, its a smile i knew 6 years before.

so do i living my dream?
no. I live beyond my dream.. Allhamdulilah..
Oh today, its February 14, ah its already 15 now,
so, i passed valentine day, was it?
humm  still its not late,
i must pondering  Love, now.
so, its a thursday night ups, not its earlyyy Friday morning
. Time to ponder about Love, this, alone, with Him, who know me well.

salaam

Life and Love

It is a little bit strange start to write again in an abandoned blog. 
its like entering a home, clean up the mess, enjoy the sphere, look at the old paintings, 
touch the wall, the knits in your living room, open the dusty books in the shelf..
and you enter the kitchen, looking for the tea that always calming you.. 
boiling it.. and while you wait the tea boils, you sit slowly in the corner, and
begin to write.

almost 4 years passed since i post the last writing. 
My life has changed a lot. Some are still. But many has changed.  


  • i am now a mother of two, a boy and a girl..off course it changed my perspective about how a child is in front of their parent or mother (in my case), you can read my old perspective  hereBut, something not change, i still have faith that it is a crime to put a child into your shoes, my shoes, i wrote that in 2008, and i still believe that, now. Hopefully, it will be forever. 
  •  i am no longer a desperate worker he he..  i run a business now, with my friend. Still and may it always be relate to writing, translating, editing.. i learn a lot. i like to listen to a story, and the art to re-telling the story.. or interpreting words, anyway, i love this job.. Allhamdulilah.  However, still i have angst. running the business means that i hve rare opportunity  to write my  column.. hopefully with a bright start this year... (we are finalizing several drafts of business agreement with  hype companies), we can hire more ppl and i can have my own writing space.. aamiin.. but, i know now, the complication to choose: do you want to live in comfort while you business only have snail space or do you want your business to grow fast and giving in your comfortness for a while, let say 3- 4 years? Hm .. hm... And i beginning to see the possibility to write fiction. I know its hard for me to step into the fictional words (in the oppossite, i am a vivid readers of novels) but i sense, it would be interesting adventure: writing fiction. 
  •  I am a social media activist. He he.. i find myself, happy to share picture of my kids, my writing, my temporary monkey mind, in my facebook wall. But, I know its not healthy. I hate myself becoming part of the hysteria. it is not me. Then, I decide to write again in my blog.


So, life is becoming very interesting, mates. I enjoy the episodes. 
I also experienced things that may not  be understood by some of you, even me. 
But, like a crystal put in your hand, i know and feel it real and the light touch my heart. 

*what?

hmmm.. let's say im beginning to understand.. how this "soul" business works...
well.. im not the expert, but let say, beginning to. 

anyway, i love you, readers. 
keep reading my blog, ;) 


salaam


  

happiness is to die (before death)



I dropped by to site of a famous author tonight.

In one of his post, he questioned about meaning of happiness. Its a cliche question, I thought. This question might appear if one feel empty about whats going on around him. I sometimes question my life in the same, philosophical tone.

I was reading hundred of answers from the reader fans, when i realized, its hard to me to find my own definition. I dont feel that any of this words represent what I feel about happiness, or I experienced about happiness, or whether my happiness, is the real happiness, what is the real happiness, anyway? what is happiness?

finally, i stuck to the famous author question: what is happiness, siska? now, im questioning myself. its not cliche after all.

I feel happy if I understand, thats first.
And what my understanding about this worldly life?
its nothing. Why its nothing? because it is.
Your carrier, Your house, People you love, even you is nothing.
Its aging. Its decaying. Its fragile.
All is and will become nothing.
humans, their proud building, creations, movies, poets,
islands, sea, sky, galaxy, all is dust.
Its hardly deniable fact.

I feel happy if I share, that's second.
In the opposite, this nothingness of this worldly life, offers you a meaning
if you share your likeness, your things, your love, your understanding, to others.
you feel that there is a meaning of your existence.

So life is something, and real. Because it brings you many experiences to learn. This reality brings you means. Despite, we the material things in life nothingness existence, life is something.

Hum? human, and life... and what is lacking of this picture?

off course, the Creator.
He who creates humans, ant, bacteria, stars, planet, galaxy, who whispers you ideas, source of creativity that we witness in this universe. Source of beauty, Source of unreachable understanding, of everything that we can not think of, but we know is there. Source of energy. Source of us, and everything around us. The opposite of nothingness, He is everything. He makes the scenario, He engineers the interaction of things. The source of perfection.

SO, the only way to be happy is, to understand the nothingness, share something in this reality, following the scenario of the Creator. out of the nothingness, and join with the Creator's plan...

But the ultimate question are: what to share? How can we know the creator plan? How can we know the Creator?

i think, first, to know, and to really find out, to be constantly in the state, to be in the know, that we are nothing.. like in the state of death.

to die? yes, unfortunately, or fortunately.. to die while we life. to die before death.
how about that?

(to be continued)

ps: to die before death, title of a book contained Bawa Muhaiyadden teaching, i once, read.

to the pond

Bring me close
to the pond of wisdom
to the content heart
and tranquil soul

open this eyes
show me things that lost from sight
covered by dust of mind, sins and desire

You,
Source of Light
Cleanse me with knowledge that no one knew
keys to open secret gate of my heart
to find what You want of me
my sacred vow

bring me close
to the pond of wisdom
that You owned

how to see the world without perspective

my favorite question when i was a journalist .. was.." what is your perspective about.." i often intrigued to explore, one's view, their personal reference, on a subject, represented in a frame called "perspective".

The word "perspective" is sophisticated enough to make source impressed, and think that i was not ordinary journalist.. This word, "perspective" brings me to become friend withseveral names that you often read in newspaper, made me looks, somehow, smart.

The problem was, and this is secret, ... when they answered my question, and explained their "perspective" i was dragged into unknown territory. Most of them put theories in their answer. You can imagine, how can I understand diplomat excitingly explained the iraqi war with well... theories, or seismologist explained the earthquake with scientific words.. and they didnt know, that they were facing the dumbest journalist in the world..

My way to survive, was, showing a vacant expression, asking some logic that i couldnt reach (LOGIC not meaning of words, because it wasting time, and showing the "dark side" of me) and wrote in capital alphabet in my notebook words that i can't understand. In the office, Google settled my problem.

Well it was 7 months ago.

Seeing my rather comical experience from far away, i realize when i asked someone about their perspective, their answer was not their own perspective but other person perspective by quoting theories, or wise words from some wise man. One said: nothing new under the sun..
but i think total submission to one's theory showing your inability to portray world with your own eyes.

the first step to release yourself from such, unoriginal attitude, is release yourself from theories. Think outside the box. radically, there is no perspective about anything. let your eyes wide open then try to say things as it is, to see things as it is.

I know, its rather impossible. It's like challenges wheel of civilization (he he i can't belive i wrote "wheel of civilization" made me look smart, huh? ) . but who knows, what you will find. You create your own words, understanding, definition, and theories. Off course it will be influenced by how many books you read, music you listen to, but anyway, there is no" your perspective, as long as you quote theories.

eve maybe there is no perspective about anything, first.
Only you and fact in front of you. and you start digging.
somehow, i think, God like this better.

full moon

how to tell the full moon, that,
you are in love with her light?

: it is not hers
it is the Sun,
always the Sun.