the-riddle

today i am baptized. My holly name is: " stupid anti smoking campaigner". Thanks to my friend -- a stubborn chained smoker (proudly, shamelessly, self admitted) -- who has bestowed me with such an honor.

I am, I am an anti smoking campaigner. I said no if someone want to smoke beside me, well with some exception: my sources in job, my boss, and someone that I really, really respect. it is just mechanism of survive :)).

But beside that. I say "NO" to smoking. Even marijuana, its better than smoke. its healthier. Well, i don't talk about the hallucinogenic effect of marijuana. I basically not agree with any form of artificial effect to make you "fly".. human has the capacity to go to "the sky" without those kinds of outside "stimulator".. trust me.

But smoke is different. It is generated by industrialist as way of life or part of the trend. Since 16 centuries cigarettes declared as addictive materials. Cigarettes becomes booming in United States since the advertising of a famous brand cigarettes showing a cowboy in the hill in 1967. But ironically, the Marlboro man, star of the add, died of lung cancer in 1997, after he appeared in the share holder meeting inside the company to consider the harmful effect of smoking. They said that they are not responsible with his health condition.

Anyway, I will not preach you about smoking. you can easily can Google it out, or just looking at the people around you. I witness its wicked effect. People that I loved passed away, partly because of cigarette. Don't tell me the statistic. I saw the x-ray. I saw the effect . I saw them dying.

so, stop smoking now, think about people you love.

There is a quote from a movie that becomes favorite for me and my husband nowadays:

"Yesterday is history, tomorrow is mystery, and today is a gift. that's why we call it present" (Oogway, Kung Fu Panda, 2008)

Sometimes, we are circled by our worries of the future, or something near future. Something that we don't even know the substances . Do we know the substance of what we hope for? Substance of our aspiration? Substance of what we want?

Meanwhile, when we are worries about the future, timid, doubtful, unrest, a hell in deed... we forget to enjoy what presented in front of us today. A warm hug, a nice smile, a cool breeze in the morning, a nice breakfast.. , a heaven.

Budha says, heaven and hell is now, not later.

Allhamdulilah..
Astaghfirullah...

May this is the only pray I know..

Ive been tagged. This is second time. Okay, my 7 things...

7 Things

1. Lately, I sleep a lot and come late to the office.
2. If I like a song, I play that many times (thanks to mp3), and made people around me sick.
3. I abhor dishonesty, I trust in friendship.
4. Im a foolish altruist.
5. I believe if I wash my hair a lot, I will catch a cold.
6. I play only two songs in piano, Fur Elise and Romance D'amour
7. I like Beatles

The Rules:

1. Link to your tagger and post these rules on your blog.
2. Share 7 facts about yourself on your blog, some random, some weird.
3. Tag 7 people at the end of your post by leaving their names as well as links to their blogs.
4. Let them know they are tagged by leaving a comment on their blog

people i tagged:

1. http://iamgod-kuyazr.blogspot.com/
2. www.diannovi.com
   
3. addaani2008.wordpress.com
4. http://mualafmenggugat.wordpress.com
   

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UjbM9rrrgFM

If it's true from the start
That the names of those we love
Are written in our hearts
And we'll search 'till we find
In this jungle of Confusion
Something that reminds us

How we love each other
Then I think I've found the clue
Because I certain I remember you
Through my window I see
How the seasons change like notes
Within some harmony
But the love in our eyes
Is an endless summer
Is a joy that magnifies
Each time we touch each other
And it feels like Deja Vu
As my heart reveals
How I remember you
Day after day I'm amazed
How our love intensifies
In every way it resembles forever
Abandons us never


Like the sunlight that shines
Like the fragrance of the rose
No single word defines
We are tuned to the sound
That displays creation
That our lives revolve around
And searching for each other

From a million hearts we choose
You remember me and I remember you
A chorus of sparrows in summer
Is how I remember you
The fire of maples in autumn
Is how I remember you
The silence of snowfall in winter
Is how I remember you


ps: a michael frank song.. beautiful poet is it? like us, our story.. :)).. miss you all..maming, mamah, papah, mas miko, mbak vie, viko, mas anton, dede, oliver...

"What is in a name? that, which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet" (Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet)

I find that people are seriously struggling to find name for their child, and the struggle ends up with the child having a long, flowery names, that symbolizes their parents hope, dream, vision..or their great –great grand parent heritage, I might be one of the parent, I might stamp my children in the head with my hope, and my dream. But, since I haven't had children yet, gives me time to think, and reflect about this subject.

How about the child? Let say, --the subject of hope and dream of their parent— they don't like the name? And one day, in their life, as an ordinary human being, they made mistake that betray the name? Does name have function to remind him, the child? Or name became a bar, a prison that made one soul feel not free becoming their self?

I think it will be interesting, maybe, in the certain age, the child can choose their own name. We have to deal with some law consequences.. but, giving them a taste of freedom and responsibility would be .. quite challenging isn't it? J

Just a thought.

Ps: I feel want to share meaning of my name, in ancient English, it means bird chirping, and in Rumania means a cone head ( I think partly true, when I was a baby, my head like an ice cream cone, he he). It also name of a town in Slovenia, that based her name in a name of a church there.

I once asked what love is,
Is it a moment where i find myself
clearly,
and fall in love with my own reflection
in the significant other?

Or

When i just simply enjoy the beauty
of everything that presented in front of me
a wide ranges of beauty
in all creatures, all moment, in silent

Love is feeling, according to John Lennon
Feeling love
Love is real, he says

Love is heart, according to .. me
Love is Light
warming
and fulfilling

May all of you enjoy love in your life
and find your true love once and for all

The first and foremost type in this people is the way they walk. Always full speed. And their face is always tense. They ussualy carry a handy-talky, or a mobile phone, or an ear phone that hanging in their ears. They walking back and forth, urge people in the uniform (a wedding committee uniform, you see them with dress in the same style and color, or using a pin in the same place, the same hairstyle..like a groups of flock in the lake) to do A and B.


The last but not least is:

7. the "w" couple

Yah, you know them. They have the most conspicuous outfit among all, and most of them having too much make up. if you curious to see normal man using lipstick.. there. I rarely see groom look nice in the wedding. They seem alienated. But, the bride.. well, they should be the most beautiful of all... but, wait until they see another woman fetch attention of their newly husband.. hum, they changed became tiger. I think most of the groom doesnt like the costume. Its like join a carnival, but you are the center. Its like being a phony King and Queen.. its not cool at all.

and the most interesting question is: What is in the mind of the couple? What do they think about giving their life to the other, after this party over. After all those people gone, what will they do?

i open an email today, its not for me, but from a conversation in a mailing list that I rarely open.
i dont know the sender, or people in the conversation,
But there is interesting quotes, that well, not really perfect in sound..
but not bad. It says:

" In life, you will realize that the people you meet have a purpose. Some were put there to test you, some would use you, some would teach you and some would bring out the better, if not the best in you. Some may even cause you pain and heartache, but one must learn to move on. So pray for the people who can not treat you right, and Thank God for those who love you back and see your worth. In the end, it between You and God. And not you and them, "

A bit defensive :)), but still interesting.

In the end it between you and God.
Between me and God.
Between me and You, God..
its always two of Us..
isn't that beautiful?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wpjuBvtYUb0

Twilight on the clouds
a hawk is flying
always alone.
He must be sad.
In the wind without no sounds
he cannot rest
his wings clutching the air.

What can I compare my heart to,
my heart is like he´s.
What can I compare my heart to,
My sadness is wheeling in the sky

At a rock shadow in drizzling rain
a flower is small in bloom.
She must be painful.
In the rain with dim colour
she has no one caressed her pink faint petal.

What can I compare my heart to,
My heart is like she's.
What can I compare my heart to,
I feel painful like as being exposed to the rain.

On a path through an almost empty field
Im walking with the hawk
He must feel lonely too.

On the grass where the insects chirp
you and I walking together.
But you hardly talk.

What can I compare my heart to, this heart that is going alone.
What can I compare my heart to, What can I compare this loneliness to..


Soundtrack of: Tales from the earthsea/Gedo Senki (Japan animee) by Ghibli Studio
English translation put in the website http://www.ghibli.jp/ged/

my story:

Behind the song, its a japan animee movie called "Tales of the earthsea" (gedo senki),
its a movie about the fighting between the warrior of truth with the evil and the wickedness.

The sad song potrays the loneliness of the warrior's heart following his destiny as a knight.
Only he and his heart, walking along the path that bring him to meet another enemy.
The path where no one around to praise him. The silent path.

I think this song is a song of every of us who is longing to be in the shade of truth.
Every of us, walking in the silent path, fighting with our own evil and wickedness
the fighting where no one around, where, only you and your heart do the fighting
in the heaviest battle of life, the battle against yourself.

May God is the only friend in our battle..
and May He who wait for us in the end of this silent path..
Aamiin..

meanwhile, please enjoy the song..
its for us, the lonely heart..

today, when i tell almost everybody in my inner circle that I lost my wallet.. the general expression is: "Ah, finally !" it is very much common for them to shout something close to .. acceptance and understanding, sometimes sounds forgiving, when it comes to my things and lost. A something that they are sure it can not be changed anymore, something like a faith.

Anyway I (finally) lost my wallet on Saturday night, complete with Rp. 2000 -, a credit card, several banks atm cards, a brand new citizen ID (yup. here, in Indonesia we are just number, you don't have number, you are wiped out from the civilization :)), pictures of my beloved nephews, picture me and my husband (the h) when we were young, beautiful and free :)) and ah.. this is the saddest part.. 5 tickets of "kungfu panda" that me, h, and nephews plan to watch that night. Me for the second time and first time for the nephews..

We are there in a crowded amusement park in a mall on west Jakarta, walking back and forth to buy more and more tickets (they said Token, for ticket, there), balloons, ice creams, holding balloon in one hand, and unfinished glasses (glasses!!, imagine..) of drink in another. Not forget using camera phone to take memorable pictures of my 2 years old nephew ride his carousel for the first time, taking the flying ship for the first time, and anything for the first time, for him everything is magic. For us the adults, everything is for their smile and laugh.

Until I realize, five minutes after I find out that I running out cash in my wallet to buy more ticket, its gone. My wallet is gone. i can not find it anymore, in my bags, in the seats, in the floor. Just gone. Well I dont react much.. I mean, well, there is a time for everything, right? Loosing something its not as hard as loosing someone, dont you think so? you just make a phone call to make sure everything blocked, go to nearest police post, filing report, you can have everything back, just like before. You can buy the same wallet if you want. (and also this is secret, I don't have much money)

If there is a lesson learn in this moment, beside my clumsiness which is already my middle name, I know it is moral message to myself: my thinking of me, being saint. What? ?..

Hum, Ok, this is my revelation.. :))

I almost lost my wallet for several times (this explain you the "Ah finally!" words, right?).. i remember two quite dramatic events (not including uncounted incidents where i left it in my home or in office desk)

first i left it in a cafe in my office building, I remember that after several hours. I Bid my luck, call up the security, trailing them trough the phone to walk to the cafe, searching and thanks God, its back to me. (This story is not THAT happy, i mean... I find out that I lost my wallet, in the middle of dinner with H in a quite fancy restaurant. Can you imagine your date spent all time glued in her mobile, talked begingly to someone else, in the middle of dim light, roses and steak?)

Secondly I drop my wallet in a street, it plungs to a streetwhole full with rain water.. I dont realize until some 10 - 15 minutes, then ask my car to stop and walk stoic-ly (stoic because im sure where i drop it) almost 300 meters back, crossing the roads, walked pass the ojek groups and everything, and there. someone in the stores nearby find it, keep it, and handed to me, when I arrive there. It's surely magic in this poor country, right? you drop your wallet in the street, and someone take it and give it back to you? its almost a miracle!

In the way home, after the second incident, I start to think oh.. Why God is so kind to me? And i start to remember what I have done.. ah, i am eligible enough for His help i guess, im good enough.. I might be a saint.. Oh God. Its not surprising me.. I am good. i have done many things...

He he..

Thanks God, Allhamdulilah, finally I lost my wallet. I am not saint.
and I still have that C hanging in my middle name. The clumsiest of all..

Widyatmiko nugroho
may, 12 1969 - may, 18 2008
Coolest brother, always smell good,
a blues guitar player
Most loving,
caring, honest,
sincere man
please embrace him
with Your Love..
Aamiin..

ps: and please protect and love his son and wife too

I sail to the sun
shaving the morning mist
feel the wave on the ocean bliss

"show me the north!"
the carving compass
stay still,
glued in the hull

I, a hideous giant in hiding
captain in my classic ship
stand up on the deck
against the sun light
hoping its burning me right

Golden ray of sun
resplendent in the peaceful ocean
captivating me
in the joy of sunrise

Golden ray of sun
let me feel the warmest
of your touch
here in my park
here in my lake
here, in me

If I can give you my heart
I will give you
since its not mine
I just say




just hold on to your pure heart
caresses softly
listen to its story
its pain
its happiness
its gay and liberty

inside your heart
find the spot
where you feel happy and content
avoid the place
where you feel dreadful and sad

knock the door of your heart
say: salaam..
and listen

its humming
like the summer sound
sing the song,
its an easy song
and dance
embrace life!
celebrate!
with the music of your heart

hold on to your heart
it will mend your wound
fix your broken dream
and flying you up
up there to sky

Dear God,
If I feel happy
let my heart blooms
like flowers in spring
feel the breeze of a cooling wind
dancing with the bird sing

Dear God,
If I feel sad
let my heart feel
the wisdom of autumn

enjoy the fallen leafs
the grey colors
wrapped in a warm jacket
in the chill



And I will let the tears and laugh
If there is
with me in all season
as long as I
continue to find
a secret place
where I only be with You
Forever

Jakarta, 27 Januari 2006

Adalah hal yang aneh, apabila kita telah mencapai batas kesedihan atau kesakitan yang amat sangat, di satu titik kita tidak bisa merasakan apa2, atau tepatnya kita tidak mempunyai cukup ruang di otak kita untuk mengekspresikan itu. Yang dirasakan malah sebaliknya, seperti orang ingin tertawa sepuas-puasnya, terbahak-bahak, berguling-guling, atau malah diam membatu. Mungkin ini batas antara kenormalan dan kegilaan.

Orang, dalam pilihan yang sadar, mungkin bisa memilih menjadi gila atau tidak. Orang gila adalah orang yang berani dalam satu batasan tertentu, sebab dia menuruti hatinya, gejolak pikirannya dan berani terlepas dari kebiasaan orang-orang di sekitarnya. Jika ibu kita mati misalnya, adalah hal yang cukup gila misalnya, jika kita malah tertawa berguling-guling di pemakamannya, tapi siapa yang bisa memahami rasa sakit, dan sedih yang telah mencapai batas dan menjadi tidak tertanggungkan, otak menjadi kebingungan dimana menempatkan signal yang selama ini tidak pernah dikenalinya. Orang sering bilang dalam pembicaraan sehari-hari yang kasar dan terbuka bahwa "otak orang itu korslet," Begitulah, kata yang terdengar asal itu mempunyai makna yang cukup ilmiah.

Secara lebih filosofis, kalau bisa dikatakan begitu, manusia dengan bentuk kesadaran yang berbeda dari mahluk-mahluk bertulang belakang lainnya, mempunyai kebutuhan yang mendasar, melebihi kebutuhan makan atau sex, yaitu kebutuhan untuk memaknai. Memaknai apa yang terjadi pada dirinya, pada lingkungan sekitarnya. Memberi makna selain memberikan kepuasan tuntutan dasarnya, juga membuat dia dan dirinya ada. Ada dalam makna yang dirangkaikannya sendiri.

Berbagai kitab suci dijadikan manusia sebagai pegangan untuk memaknai, ada orang-orang yang berani atau frustasi, mencoba lari dari semua kitab suci, dan bertanya – tanya dan mencari-cari sendiri. Kemana akhirnya? Itulah mungkin yang disebut Dante dalam Divine Comedia, pemaknaan saya (yang sudah pasti sangat subjektif) dengan segala kekelamannya tentang hidup sesudah mati dan juga imaginasi nya ttg keindahan surga, Dante mencoba mentertawai hidup manusia. Suatu komedi, yang tragis. Mereka tidak meminta untuk dilahirkan. Dan ada di dunia ini dengan pilihan-pilihan, ada surga dan neraka dalam pilihannya. Menuruti nafsunya atau menahan. Tapi apakah dia,manusia meminta ada dalam kehidupan ini? Lantas kenapa dia dihukum untuk pilihan-pilihannya?

Dalam segala bentuk keimanan, memang ada yang namanya lompatan. Melompat untuk mengimani. Ada orang –orang yang melompat demi menuruti lingkungna sosialnya, dan tentu saja ini amat hipokrit dan pengecut. Ada yang melompat karena menemukan "pencerahan" dalam keimanannya itu. Seseorang menjadi komunis, misalya karena komunis memberinya pencerahan untuk ketiadaan kelas dalam masyarakat. Atau seseorang berjilbab, karena menemukan keleluasan yang sifatnya tidak fisikal, dan disisi lain orang dapat mengimani nudisme, sebab percaya bahwa manusia adalah juga bagian yang natural dari alam dan adalah menolak hal yang alamiah apabila dia berpakaian, atau berhubungan sex dengan perkawinan. Berbagai macam lompatan. Tentu saja lompatan yang paling melegakan untuk semua manusia, adalah lompatan yang jujur.

Apakah ada yang dapat menilai kejujuran? Yang terletak, dan tersembunyi dalam beberapa lapisan hati?

Kembali pada kesedihan atau rasa sakit, mungkin seseorang dapat mengurangi kesedihan dengan mecoba merangkaikan makna-makna. Benar atau tidaknya, saya yakin, kejujuran hatinya yang akan bergetar,seperti radar. Jika dia mengada-adakan makna, atau memang dia menemukannya. Tidak ada yang harus dipaksakan. Biarkan airmata atau tawa, kesedihan mengalir menemukan muara maknanya sendiri. Yang jujur.

Bandung, 25 Mei 2008

Dan Kesedihan itu ternyata tidak selalu berbentuk air mata. Dia bisa berupa rasa mual, batuk yang tidak berhenti-henti atau sesak nafas.
Tapi kehilangan, kematian, semua adalah bagian dari hidup. Ketetapan. Tidak ada yang bisa dilakukan kecuali menyerahkan jiwa, raga, pada Sang Pemilik Kehidupan. Berserah diri.


ps: dont hide your tears, vik.. and let the angels amuse you..

I am just an empty shell
full with sand
splashing my dirt
hurting
I am just an empty shell
in the ocean
sinking

one day sun said to the moon:
"sorry, I can not stop my light from touching you"
are you okay, is it too hot?"
and moon said:
"Nope.. its alright. it makes me shinning in the dark"

one day moon said to the sun:
"why do you stop the light?"
sun said:
"No, i dont.
But this earth standing in the way.
barring my light"

One day sun said to the moon:
"I feel tired, this earth blocking my light.
I will not shine anymore. too much shadow. Too dark.
and moon said:
"No, the light is in you, you can not stop the light. It will pass. Everything will pass.
Trust me, "

One day, the earth is back to its place. and the eclipse over.

and the moon
and the sun
back in their role
shining, all the way.

somehow, they missed the conversation.

I hover from time to time
place to place
Frozen in the vacant seat
in unknown airports
ports
stations
landed in a place without name
not necessarily mentions in a map
people talk in a rhyme sound,
i can not catch one word
I do know by heart, a sincere smile
Hovering
questioning this frivolity
hoping for a leap
for a mean
and fly

My daughter or son or..
if i get old and boring
patronizing you with
all these mundane structures
school,
homework,
work,
married,

everything that you might not understand
everything that you might hate
or tend to break
remind me that I have told you this

That, this world is keeping secrets
waiting to be unveiled
this world is not only miseries
and robotic act
and put your humanity behind the bar

But this world is offering you with million of possibilities
and adventure and magic
fairies, heroes, gods are not tale
We are part of a long story of humans
We are the miracle

This world is always
a battle of good and evil
and in the end
goodness is always win
Honesty will always win
Sincerity will always win
Even if people play you around
and betray
of your fond purity
let them be


Since the world is keeping secrets
waiting to be unveiled
Sky is keeping secrets
waiting to be unveiled
Your heart is keeping secrets
waiting to be unveiled

Only the winner who can unveil
the one who always, always
follow their heart

Then, never stop to redefine
ask questions
be foolish
honest
and free

and remind me,
that I have told you this
even when I still dont know
if i can have you

This world is too sedative
and hard for us to wake
paying loan is bigger than dream
the real is better to have dream
and avoid the loan :))

If I got old and whining
ask you to have good job, house
to get married and have kids
remind me that I have told you this

This world has no boundaries
You have no boundaries
We are the miracle
Just be you