Posted by the writer on Thursday, December 28, 2006
It was in my 13th birthday when I hit by car near my house. It was mostly my fault. I was running, crossing the street when the car hit me. I was okay, though. The driver was a gentleman. He took me to my home and met my father, my mother, explained the situation. He was a public transport driver. I was hit by an "angkot" ( :jeepney in Philippines, tuk-tuk in Laos? You name it)
My father was angry, and so was my mother. They were very angry and they didn't (want to) hear ,completely I think, the driver explanation. I knew my parent did that, because they were very worried. They Love me.
Strangely, I didn't feel loved. I turned out that I felt sooooo awkward. First, I knew I too have fault in the accident. And second, I felt I didn't deserve such love. I was not that worth. I was not that worth to make my parent, angry to a poor driver, that possibly didn't do anything, except that he was in the wrong time and place. However, he was brave enough to meet My parent in face. It was a rare quality driver, right? (I realize that now witness crazy Jakartan driver everyday)
But, I didn't say anything, I kept silent. I didn't want to interrupt; I troubled my parent, enough. I remember, I felt uneasy. I still feel that when I wrote this.
There is something in the love of parent to their child that disturbs me. In front of their child, a parent can loose themselves. There is something --blindly-- in the way they look their blood heir. In the way they love them.
Why? What is the different between our own kid and hundreds kid in the street?
They all need love aren't they?
Blood? Is it loving our child is more to love ourselves?
To what, our love exactly?
To our blood?
I shouldn't write this, because I haven't got any children. And perhaps, this is one part, the Almighty don't bear me with such amusement and holly, huge responsibility. Im not very sure in this subject. I don't want to loose myself. I don't want to blind myself with love, that I, well ..feel awkward to. I feel disturbed.
I joined an organization for kids and alternative education, when I was student. I happened to have and teach a play group, for children near my house. I enjoy playing with children. I love them as God purest creature. One of Real Guru. Mirror. But, its rare for me to feel that I want the kid of my own. I feel none. Almost Neutral.
Oh, how "motherly" I am.. ha ha..
Season greetings, everyone.. happy holiday.. dan Selamat Idul Adha..