the-riddle

it was tokyo in my mind
when I waited for taxi last friday
not the glittering part of Ginza nor the fancy restaurant,
but a dim part , the silent corner,
near Ueno and Minowa
the street with no name
I waited for taxi there two years ago
and I remember there was no people
Except huge streets and cars passing by
i just joined a summer dance
in a suburban
where people gathered to celebrate warmest month of the year..
the music was surreal, the dance was nothing near beautiful
it was only two old ladies with Yukata*)
and moving in strangest dance I ever seen
and asking people to make a circle and dance together
i joined the circle
blended myself with the rhythm
they asked me to claps
followed their move, and laughed at my confusion
and me, laughed at myself
i remember a scene in milan kundera's book of laughter and forgetting
when bohemian students gather to make a circle and dance during the rally
and their circle is flying away, they are flying away, way, way out to the sky..
It is Tokyo in my mind
still today, right now
the air, the cloud, the people,
how can a city made your heart fall, so badly?
especially a megapolitan where humans are so indifference?
where people found killing themselves is, was, way out of honor?
why I retained peace where people killing their souls with machine?
If i can sing like Billy Joel,
I would say "Im in the Tokyo state of mind.. "

*)taken from billy joel song: newyork state of mind
*) yukata= simple kimono for summer
*) the dim picture was picture near minowa, where i stayed the last time i visited Tokyo..
its not exjactly the street where i feel dejavu, but looked like it

It is not hard to meet Him,
You can meet with His acts, His words
in you everyday
Not in your dream,
Not somewhere in the 7 layers of sky
But in you, in every second of your life

When you swept dry leafs in the yard this morning
Do you recognize it is His language of sacrifice?
He gives everything to you
and only asking you to get pleasure from those
His vision of nature,
Asking the old leaf to die, surrender to the ground,
Let the new life begin

When you feel sad to the atrocities around you,
Even when it is only an ant who killed abruptly?
It is His compassion, His tenderness speaks trough you,
let you understand His vision of love and tender care

When you feel that you are loved?
Or missed?
It is His love around you
He misses you, and loves you
More, more, more, more, more, more…
Than you'll ever wanted to know..

“ Mengenai langkah yang harus dijalani, janganlah kamu berlebihan, hiduplah dengan bersahaja, jangan sombong dalam berbicara, dan jangan berlebihan terhadap sesama manusia. Itulah langkah sempurna yang sejati. Bertapa di gunung atau di gua itu akan menjadikanmu takabur,lakukanlah tapa di tengah ramainya manusia. Milikilah sikap luhur dan maafkanlah orang yang salah. Hanya itulah langkah yang sejati”

(Sajarah Wali, Syekh Syarif hidayatullah Sunan Gunang jati, Naskah Mertasinga, Wahjoe: Pustaka, 2005)

Paragraph diatas saya kutipkan dari sebuah naskah kuno Mertasinga yang merupakan pesan yang disampaikan oleh Syekh Ataullah salah satu guru dari Sunan Gunung Jati. Naskah ini diterjemahkan oleh Amman N Wahjoe yang memiliki dokumen ini secara turun menurun dalam keluarganya. Wahjoe membuat babad yang berbahasa jawa-sundan ini dalam bahasa Indonesia dan menjadi satu bacaan berbahasa Indonesia yang banyak menyingkap sejarah tentang para wali di pulau jawa.

Sebenarnya ajaran-ajaran macam ini bertebaran di Indonesia. Bentuknya dapat berupa babad, kawuh, kinanti dan sebagainya. Satu bentuk dokumen yang biasanya hanya dipunyai oleh keturunan yang sifatnya ekslusif dan tidak terdokumentasi dengan baik.

Banyak keluarga di Indonesia ini menyimpan catatan-catatan ataupun tinggalan dari kakek, nenek atau buyutnya. Namun karena ketidakmengertian catatan ini diperlakukan sebagai jimat yang dikeramatkan tanpa dikuak isinya.

Bagi saya pribadi amat menarik untuk mengetahui secara mendalam ajaran-ajaran para wali di pulau jawa ini. Sejak dulu informasi yang saya terima tentang para wali, hanyalah hal-hal yang berisifat sinkretik yang penuh dengan cerita-cerita kegaiban.

Namun semakin saya mencari, yang saya temukan adalah kesederhanaan ajaran mereka yang cukup menyentuh sisi keberagamaan saya. Kalau ditilik dari ajaran-ajarannya para sunan ini tidak hanya sekedar pendakwah, namun mereka mempunyai khazanah sufistik yang cukup mendalam.

Salah satu tanda dari khazanah sufistik yang dimiliki para wali tersebut adalah wisdom (kebijaksanaan). Salah satu contohnya dapat kita rasakan pada ajaran sunan kudus yang sampai saat ini masih diyakini oleh sebagian masyarakat di kota itu, yaitu tidak menyembelih sapi. Saat itu sunan kudus memerintahkan penghormatan terhadap sapi untuk mentoleransi kepercayaan masyarakat Hindu yang hidup di kota itu.

Menurut kisah yang tersebar dalam masyarakat, Sunan ini memulai dakwahnya dengan cara yang sangat unik untuk memancing masyarakat pergi ke masjid mendengarkan dakwahnya. Ia sengaja menambatkan sapinya yang diberi nama Kebo Gumarang di halaman masjid. Orang-orang Hindu yang mengagungkan sapi, tumbuh simpatinya. Apalagi setelah mereka mendengar penjelasan Sunan Kudus tentang surat Al Baqarah yang berarti "sapi betina".

Selain itu kita dapat juga mempelajari ajaran dari Sunan Bonang yang gemar mecipatakan lagu-lagu rakyat sebagai lahan dakwahnya. Salah satu tembangnya yang cukup populer sampai saat ini, terutama saat dinyantikan kembali oleh Opick “tombo ati” merupakan hasil karyanya. Boleh saya kutipkan disini terjemahan dari syair berbahasa Jawa tersebut : Obat hati ada lima perkara/ yang pertamabaca qur'an dan maknanya/ yang kedua shalat malam dirikanlah/yang ketiga berkumpulah dengan orang saleh/yang keempat perbanyaklah berpuasa/yang kelima dzikir malam perpanjanglah/siapa yang bisa melakukan salah satunya /semoga Tuhan memberikan penyembuhnya

Salah satu sunan yang cukup unik pendekatannya dan cukup akrab dengan budaya lokal adalah Sunan kalijaga. Wali yang satu ini menggunakan pendekatan budaya untuk mendekati masyarakat Hindu Budha pada jamannya. Salah satu peninggalan beliau yang cukup dikenal oleh masyarakat Jawa adalah kisah pewayangan Dewa ruci.

Kisah tentang Bima yang bertemu dngan dewa ruci yang berwujud sama dengan dirinya menyimbolkan pertemuan manusia dengan jiwanya sendiri. Kisah Dewa Ruci merupakan satu simbol khazanah kesufian yang melihat bahwa tiap-tiap manusia harus bertemu dengan jiwanya sendiri untuk mengetahui laku sejati dalam hidupnya. Sayangnya saat ini banyak orang Jawa menggunakan pementasan wayang Dewa Ruci ini untuk ritual “ruwatan” tanpa mengetahui pesan sesungguhnya dari kisah tersebut.

Yang cukup ajaib buat saya juga adalah fakta sejarah bahwa para wali itu sebagian besar adalah orang-orang asing. Menurut buku yang ditulis oleh Sudirman Tebba, “Mengenal Wajah Islam yang ramah” (Pustaka Irvan, 2007) dan juga Sajarah Wali dalam Naskah Mertasinga, para wali kebanyakan berasal dari tanah arab dan Campa.

Syekh Syarif Hidayatullah sendiri serta Sunan Kudus mempunyai berdarah arab . Wali-wali yang lain seperti Sunan Ampel, Sunan Giri dan Sunan Bonang yang mempunyai hubungan kekeluargaan satu sama lain, merupakan keturunan dari Campa, perdebatan sering merujuk Campa sebagai salah satu daerah di Kamboja.

Kenyataan bahwa orang-orang asing khusus datang dan berkumpul ke pulau Jawa untuk menyebarkan dakwah Islam, adalah hal yang cukup menarik untuk diselami. Mengapa mereka datang ke pulau jawa? Dan lebih hebatnya lagi mengapa mereka yang berdarah asing itu dapat membumikan nilai-nilai Islam sesuai dengan nilai lokal atau lebih tepatnya “berdakwah dengan “bahasa” kaumnya?

Ini adalah misteri yang membutuhkan studi yang panjang, namun dengan khazanah sufistiknya yang unik para wali mengajarkan nenek moyang saya untuk menyembah Tuhan dengan keberserahdirian yang sederhana.

Sayangnya esensi dari ajaran para wali ini terlupakan saat ini. Banyak orang di Indonesia mencoba mencari refleksi keagamaannya ke luar dan bukan pada dirinya sendiri. Gerakan pan Islamisme tahun 80-an agaknya banyak membuat perubahan dalam berislamnya orang Indonesia.

Faham-faham yang serba keras, pure berwajah syariah tanpa percikan kebijakan membuat Islam difahami dengan perspektif yang amat berbeda pada generasi – generasi muda Islam Indonesia yang ada saat ini.

Gerakan – gerakan Islam yang banyak merupakan turunan dari organisasi Islam dari mesir atau saudi Arabia, membuat banyak orang terasing dari sejarah keberagamaannya sendiri. Aliran garis keras ini pun direaksi dengan gerakan keIslaman yang liberal yang mencoba memasukkan Islam mempunyai logika berfikirnya sendiri yang transenden, dalam frame ilmiah barat yang sifatnya materialistik.

Saya tidak menemukan wajah Islam yang diyakini oleh nurani saya pada dua sisi ekstrim tersebut. Namun saya menemukan ketersambungan akar keyakinan saya tentang bagaimana seharusnya “beragama Islam” dalam ajaran para wali .

Sekarang, disaat Islam didentikan dengan terorisme dan kekerasan, Indonesia sering ditoleh oleh barat sebagai anti thesa bahwa Islam adalah wujud dari kedamaian dan toleransi. Menurut saya sudah saatnya untuk menggali dan mencoba menemukan inti dari warisan ajaran-ajaran para wali, sehingga kita bisa menemukan keunikan sejarah keberagamaan kita sendiri dan menyebarkan pada dunia, wajah Islam yang sebenarnya sebagai Rahmat sekalian alam.

we try to steal face of God
in every words, in every gaze
we are deceived,
hunger,
thirst,
lost
in this layers of illusions
questions
searching for His Beauty
plunge
in the same hole
again.
who can answer this longing?
Who will?

Even im a journalist for 9 years, i do not hold on physical evidence to judge things in my life. Im dwelling in dreams. imaginations. massive logic. emotions. I react spontaneously. Sometimes, signs, dreams, feeling, tendency, speak when it becomes reality. I just let it slides.

But living like that for almost your whole life, its like a mess. Its like you don't clean your desk for whole couple of years. You just take what presented in front of you, and react. you dont know anything, but make certain perception and take action. i think it is time to bring a little bit of journalism sense into my life.

I have to stand on a clear logic to explain things I have to continue to redefine everything, i will not let myself dwelling in anything, I will clear my head. And hopefully, You, My Lord, will in and show me the real things.

There is philosophy behind cleaning your desk that i think all office boy and girl know.
These are some knowledges I find when I clean my desk:

1. Do it slowly

2. Alert of prestigious stuffs that might be found. You might find your golden ring, or confidential documents, or anything that is important, but forgotten, because it's hidden under loads of unnecessary stuffs scattering, piling up, jostling in your desk.

3. Decide wisely, dispose or keep. If you decide to keep, put in the right place.

4. Consistent. Another documents, stuffs, will come. Another load of your life will come and piling up in your desk. Next time, Dont' wait until years to clean up. Every time, any dirt comes, clean it. And don't forget, Do it wisely whether to keep or throwing the stuffs away.

Hum, easy right?

I think knowing these principles will help me to clean ... everything!

first step to know who i am is to know my weaknesses.
the first and foremost weakness is, okay, i am filthy.
wait, not need to be over interpretation by saying: "well everyone is filthy animal...!"
no. I mean i am literally filthy,
dont be deceived by my appearance with the headscarf or anything..
a friend said that i look like a teacher or something (not a journalist, unfortunately)

Wait until you see my bag, or worst, my desk. working desk.
Hum, its like seeing a dirty pond. you can not see the bottom.

Tonight i cleaned my working desk,
the right word is, i threw anything that looks like over-used.
and what did I find?

well, some books, important books that i have been looking for..
East timor Constitutions, i was keep downloading that trough Google, i forgot that i have printed it. and pictures.. memorable pictures..

God, looks what i found when i cleaned my desk..
what will i find if clean my self?
but, i will not go too far
the second step is, i think, washing my hair
i haven't washed for ...
well already too much informations :))
i should stop now.

he, he
i like cleaning up.
i dont know it can be this fun.

ps: thanks for pak usin who has helped me patiently tonight..:))

(A self political manifesto, in attempt to stop the restless mind)

Now, im reading “The Tree That Fell To the West, “ a compilation of teaching of M.R Bawa Muhaiyaddien , a srilankan sufi, who has explained with clarity and wisdom of God’s existence in every second of humans life.

In a chapter, he explained his spiritual experienced witnessing God’s words explained him about dark future of the world as how the nature would be stumbling down, and humans would be possessed and ruled by evil desires, world would be kept in darkness, and give room only to the massive hypocrisy.

The chapter reminds me of other projections from a great number of spiritualist here and there, who has the same dim projection. And now, we don’t need a spiritualist to see how this world is going to end.

Global warming becoming more real everyday in every place of the world. I don’t need to explain how bad it is. Everyone in this world has their own version of their experience in a earthquake, trap in flood, witnessing hurricane. The threat of a global natural disaster is real in front of us.

How about world leaders? We see that so called respected nations leaders who rule this world has done nothing to the betterment of their people. Words are becoming more important than actions. United Nations has proven that they can not function when they do nothing to unilateralism action by some countries in the world. The understanding that world has moved to more civilized nature by putting consensus and multilateralism first, is merely illusion. Humans are not changed from time to time. They have betrayed their own achievement of finding great values that hopeful to elevate their quality, by trying to violate these values everyday. We witness those shameful acts from the lowest level in our neighborhood, in the government buildings, in the parliament corners, in the world institutions.

We witness that. We abhor that. And what we can do?

Some people choose to move across became a radicalist in their own way, a revolutionist freedom fighter ( I will not use most popular political encoding word such as terrorist) a religion radicalist, an environment radicalist, a leftist, a rightist, building illusion upper illusion and create more anger, damage, and blood.

Some people choose to hide, and build their own world, praying in the corner of their houses, made exclusive groups and waiting for the doomsday. They see that the hope is end. What they can do is wait, and pray, and do nothing.

I don’t think those choices are productive.

I remember in some teaching, including Bawa, reminds me that, the world outside us is merely a projection of the world inside me. Humans wildness, and vengeance, hatred , and anger, is taking their real projection in this world, trough the nature outside, and also the people act.

I like the concept. I can not explain further the reason, why I am interested in the concept. But, I think that concept explained a substantial, an inherent relevance of humans, nature and the people. One with minimum spiritual knowledge, will naturally know that there is a single reality that is personal beyond their physical body.

How if I say that the crumbling world, the nature and its people, is a mirror of the emptiness in humans? The emptiness in each of us? Their anger its our anger. Their frustration its our frustration. Their vengeance its our vengeance. Their confusion is our confusion. Their greediness is our greediness? Their moral corruption, their adultery.. the darkness that we witness now, is a mirror, showing our own darkness?

I think we can not appoint any injustice or anything, without looking inside us first. To have a self revolutionary act, is a must for everyone who wants to change the world. If one can change one-self, there is a hope to change the world. Maybe the answer of this dark projection of future, is each of us.

How to start this act? But, what is self anyway?

To start the self revolutionary act is to know what is self.

To know who I am.

I think that’s the biggest homework for me, maybe for everyone.

One says that heaven and hell is near

The heart will show us,

Is it heaven there?

or hell

it is our heart who will define

to where we will end

I look inside my heart

and what do I find?

Dogs of desire wagging its tail,

Monkeys of mind jumping around,

restless, pointless

Two wise men, in different time and place

say : " Let them pass.

Do not follow their move, but

do not get angry or drive them away

just stand still, and let them passing by"

Hover in the heaviest battle

I nurture the light

from the darkness that keep me tight

*) monkeys of mind, dogs of desire taken from Bawa Muhaiyaddien words in his books

Battle in the castle
of wicked flame
and the Light
Aren't we only human?
and our Heart
is the Colosseum
of war
between our heroic part
and those wicked ones
and I'm drifting
in this realm
not a heroine
definitely not a heroine
May You forgive me Lord
Despite my cowardice
my shameful act
my embarrassing foolishness
I beg You
allow me to continue
to feel
and be grateful
for Your real, boundless affection
of Love and tenderness
forever

Honey,
this is your first stone
comes from your patience, hard work, and persistence
and this first stone
given
from the Source of Inspirations
that you have given your self into

Sad and happiness is other side of a coin
proud and humiliation just a playful creature in the lake
wagging us with their tail
seduce us
drown us

stand still
and hear the rhyme
and slowly step to your next stone
and next stone
and next stone
and thousand stones ahead

be a servant
of truth and honesty
and let your soul
spread the wing
and fly

Jakarta, December 18

ps: Dedicated for my husband Dul, award winner of television Journalism from UNICEF and Alliance of Independent Journalist (AJI) for documentary movie about children.

I think I know him, long long.. time ago..

Please forgive me,
for the fire
that comes in me
the air that fill most of me
dirt in my eyes
water in my ears
diluting me from You
please give me way
to find myself in You
help me cleaving
tons of veils
that baring me from You
save me, God
from the shadow
and million forms who come in between
save me, God

I got this message in my facebook inbox this morning.
It soothing, at the very first day of seems to be the busiest week
before im leaving for another overseas coverage next week, Insya Allah..

Meanwhile, please enjoy, a quotation from old testament words of King Solomon or Sulaiman the prophet in Islam:

" For everything there is a season,
And a time for every matter under heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die;
A time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal;
A time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to throw away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
A time to embrace, And a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to seek, and a time to lose;
A time to keep, and a time to throw away;
A time to tear, and a time to sew;
A time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate,
A time for war, and a time for peace, "

(Ecclesiastes 3:1-8)

Thanks pak Jhon Mc Dougall.. :))

i think love between man and woman, platonic or not, or in some level of physical or brain (still physical) attractiveness
between those opposite kinds in the very moment when they fall in love, in some level, before it gets too physical, too earthly ....


Love, Godly or mundanely anyway those kinds of Love
that creates butterfly in our stomach is a Creative spirit
this kind of love is a must to Keep living, to Create something

I suspect this spirit originated from the first of human creation
I think this is way of God's loves us
That is why God creates Man and Woman
or flower and bee..
or blue and pink ..
Sun and Moon..
To express His Beauty
and Love
trough nature of his creation
that He, himself designs
Love triggers Creativity and Looks How Creative God is
can you see?

world seems dissapointing
with the middle east conflict
and horrible news from Africa
but still laugh of a kid in the street can lighten your heart, right?
or how beautiful sound of drizzle in your roof to night?

A wise man say, its one.
Smile of a kid, and blood scattered in Pakistan
is one. I can not undrestand that. But I feel its just right.

so To night, I hope everyone blessed with Love that will fill them with inspirations and creations
and reflect His Genuine way of Loving

God, do you think my writing is too cheesy?
anyway friend, lets fall in Love..
be expressive and celebrating Love

Ps: lagi mabok nih, I think mix something here... btw, i might delete this post when Im awake..:))..

I start to ask myself
why i like mediocre novels
it tells you nothing than the story of desperate lives
or a detective try to find the killer (even i know whose the killer in the middle of my reading),
or i dont know, am i too critical
belittle everything who doesn't bring sense of enlighten yet i like it
I like the way story told
i like how a story reach the peak
or how i see bad ending destroy all hundred pages before
(this also works to movie, ending is decisive)
and perfect ending save a -would-be-mediocre- book, becomes book of the year..
such as Kite Runners, damn ending. It will made you cry.
or .. i dont know, now, I read eric seagal 1958, not reaching the ending yet
while Seagal bragging about how special Harvard is..
its nothing,
like one day, a respected friend, surprised me with his catharsis trough
a trash song.. (trash clip too..)
Why human always sinking in nothingness and entertained by illusion?

After a long holiday

And rushing hours for works

Grumbling about traffic

And pimple,

And trying to be

a daughter

a friend

a scribbler

an auntie

a worker (exhausting… but, survive)

now, its weekend,

press the shutdown button

and voila!

Welcome my personal corner

Rakyat indonesia itu..
rela mati demi dua belas ribu rupiah
dihina, dipukuli, diperkosa, disetrika di negeri orang
bergelimpangan di jalan-jalan
tidur dalam gerobak
rumah di kolong jembatan habis dibakar
anak-anaknya jadi target pedhopilia
berterbangan saat tsunami
berlarian saat lari dari gempa bumi

Pejabat Indonesia itu..
merasa betul-betul pejabat kalau naik mobil lebih dari 200 juta
merasa dihormati dengan sirine yang mengaum saat dia membelah jalan raya
naik limousine di Paris saat mau minjem uang di CGI
sementara negara donor berdesakan di bis murah charteran
Senang kalau orang memuji dan mencium tangannya
Merasa bangga dengan rombongan besar yang mengikuti kemana-mana
dan sekretaris yang bisa bermain tenis

Sebagian kecil rakyat Indonesia itu,
Selalu menyetir mobil mewah dan supirnya membawa pistol
Liburan ke Eropa jadi patokan
Menyebut lawan bicara dengan Jij
Merasa puas saat tiap anaknya diberi rumah mewah lengkap dengan pudel
Menilai orang dari sepatu yang dipakai
dan bau parfumnya
Merasa bangga saat menyebut rumah di Menteng
menyumbang Hansip Kampung berlebihan supaya rumah tidak diserang
Datang ke konser Il Divo tanpa berusaha tahu artinya

Sebagian kecil rakyat Indonesia lagi,
Melihat segala kecurangan
dan kemunafikan
tanpa bisa berbuat apa-apa

dan sebagiannya lagi,
terseret kedalamnya.


Dua hari sebelum lebaran..
mohon maaf lahir dan batin, indonesiaku..

God,
this battle inside,
is it You?
Is it You?
behind all the fuss
behind all this hunger
nausea
rolling and rolling
and rolling
and those pictures keeps
inundating,
those whispers
mocking,
God,
is it You?

I went to the land where people despise their roots
blame their ancestor
inherited guilt
hiding head in their lap
shame on their leaders
and alienated

Its struck me
that my effort to think nationalism is foolish
is partial
that, probably, proud of where you come from
its part of nature

and to have terrible history
for a nation to exist is a cursed
because children are deceived
and lie, passes from generation to generation

Its good thing
that I have such proud history
for some episode of our ancestors
they were a truly fighters
they fight for freedom and glory
after 300 years in slavery

compare to a nation
that live from taking other human live
and busy lowering other nations
while in their home
people hang themselves because of frustration
dumped from so called civilization
just because they have different skin color

Thanks God,
to make me Indonesian,
a resident from a nation, a new born nation in 40's
(I used to call "artificial" nation, which is, I think its not an artificial shape anymore
when million people died to defend the idea)
which come of an idealistic dream
of unity in differences and freedom

I am,
the resident of nation that are poor
nations with thick dense of hypocrisy
and low level of decency

Those,
made me have to struggle more
to make this half way nation
a real home
for homeless souls

to deliver a genuine story
of rebirth of a great nation
that will be written
in the history

(after 2 week in commonwealth continent in the south)