the-riddle

There is philosophy behind cleaning your desk that i think all office boy and girl know.
These are some knowledges I find when I clean my desk:

1. Do it slowly

2. Alert of prestigious stuffs that might be found. You might find your golden ring, or confidential documents, or anything that is important, but forgotten, because it's hidden under loads of unnecessary stuffs scattering, piling up, jostling in your desk.

3. Decide wisely, dispose or keep. If you decide to keep, put in the right place.

4. Consistent. Another documents, stuffs, will come. Another load of your life will come and piling up in your desk. Next time, Dont' wait until years to clean up. Every time, any dirt comes, clean it. And don't forget, Do it wisely whether to keep or throwing the stuffs away.

Hum, easy right?

I think knowing these principles will help me to clean ... everything!

first step to know who i am is to know my weaknesses.
the first and foremost weakness is, okay, i am filthy.
wait, not need to be over interpretation by saying: "well everyone is filthy animal...!"
no. I mean i am literally filthy,
dont be deceived by my appearance with the headscarf or anything..
a friend said that i look like a teacher or something (not a journalist, unfortunately)

Wait until you see my bag, or worst, my desk. working desk.
Hum, its like seeing a dirty pond. you can not see the bottom.

Tonight i cleaned my working desk,
the right word is, i threw anything that looks like over-used.
and what did I find?

well, some books, important books that i have been looking for..
East timor Constitutions, i was keep downloading that trough Google, i forgot that i have printed it. and pictures.. memorable pictures..

God, looks what i found when i cleaned my desk..
what will i find if clean my self?
but, i will not go too far
the second step is, i think, washing my hair
i haven't washed for ...
well already too much informations :))
i should stop now.

he, he
i like cleaning up.
i dont know it can be this fun.

ps: thanks for pak usin who has helped me patiently tonight..:))

(A self political manifesto, in attempt to stop the restless mind)

Now, im reading “The Tree That Fell To the West, “ a compilation of teaching of M.R Bawa Muhaiyaddien , a srilankan sufi, who has explained with clarity and wisdom of God’s existence in every second of humans life.

In a chapter, he explained his spiritual experienced witnessing God’s words explained him about dark future of the world as how the nature would be stumbling down, and humans would be possessed and ruled by evil desires, world would be kept in darkness, and give room only to the massive hypocrisy.

The chapter reminds me of other projections from a great number of spiritualist here and there, who has the same dim projection. And now, we don’t need a spiritualist to see how this world is going to end.

Global warming becoming more real everyday in every place of the world. I don’t need to explain how bad it is. Everyone in this world has their own version of their experience in a earthquake, trap in flood, witnessing hurricane. The threat of a global natural disaster is real in front of us.

How about world leaders? We see that so called respected nations leaders who rule this world has done nothing to the betterment of their people. Words are becoming more important than actions. United Nations has proven that they can not function when they do nothing to unilateralism action by some countries in the world. The understanding that world has moved to more civilized nature by putting consensus and multilateralism first, is merely illusion. Humans are not changed from time to time. They have betrayed their own achievement of finding great values that hopeful to elevate their quality, by trying to violate these values everyday. We witness those shameful acts from the lowest level in our neighborhood, in the government buildings, in the parliament corners, in the world institutions.

We witness that. We abhor that. And what we can do?

Some people choose to move across became a radicalist in their own way, a revolutionist freedom fighter ( I will not use most popular political encoding word such as terrorist) a religion radicalist, an environment radicalist, a leftist, a rightist, building illusion upper illusion and create more anger, damage, and blood.

Some people choose to hide, and build their own world, praying in the corner of their houses, made exclusive groups and waiting for the doomsday. They see that the hope is end. What they can do is wait, and pray, and do nothing.

I don’t think those choices are productive.

I remember in some teaching, including Bawa, reminds me that, the world outside us is merely a projection of the world inside me. Humans wildness, and vengeance, hatred , and anger, is taking their real projection in this world, trough the nature outside, and also the people act.

I like the concept. I can not explain further the reason, why I am interested in the concept. But, I think that concept explained a substantial, an inherent relevance of humans, nature and the people. One with minimum spiritual knowledge, will naturally know that there is a single reality that is personal beyond their physical body.

How if I say that the crumbling world, the nature and its people, is a mirror of the emptiness in humans? The emptiness in each of us? Their anger its our anger. Their frustration its our frustration. Their vengeance its our vengeance. Their confusion is our confusion. Their greediness is our greediness? Their moral corruption, their adultery.. the darkness that we witness now, is a mirror, showing our own darkness?

I think we can not appoint any injustice or anything, without looking inside us first. To have a self revolutionary act, is a must for everyone who wants to change the world. If one can change one-self, there is a hope to change the world. Maybe the answer of this dark projection of future, is each of us.

How to start this act? But, what is self anyway?

To start the self revolutionary act is to know what is self.

To know who I am.

I think that’s the biggest homework for me, maybe for everyone.

One says that heaven and hell is near

The heart will show us,

Is it heaven there?

or hell

it is our heart who will define

to where we will end

I look inside my heart

and what do I find?

Dogs of desire wagging its tail,

Monkeys of mind jumping around,

restless, pointless

Two wise men, in different time and place

say : " Let them pass.

Do not follow their move, but

do not get angry or drive them away

just stand still, and let them passing by"

Hover in the heaviest battle

I nurture the light

from the darkness that keep me tight

*) monkeys of mind, dogs of desire taken from Bawa Muhaiyaddien words in his books

Battle in the castle
of wicked flame
and the Light
Aren't we only human?
and our Heart
is the Colosseum
of war
between our heroic part
and those wicked ones
and I'm drifting
in this realm
not a heroine
definitely not a heroine
May You forgive me Lord
Despite my cowardice
my shameful act
my embarrassing foolishness
I beg You
allow me to continue
to feel
and be grateful
for Your real, boundless affection
of Love and tenderness
forever

Honey,
this is your first stone
comes from your patience, hard work, and persistence
and this first stone
given
from the Source of Inspirations
that you have given your self into

Sad and happiness is other side of a coin
proud and humiliation just a playful creature in the lake
wagging us with their tail
seduce us
drown us

stand still
and hear the rhyme
and slowly step to your next stone
and next stone
and next stone
and thousand stones ahead

be a servant
of truth and honesty
and let your soul
spread the wing
and fly

Jakarta, December 18

ps: Dedicated for my husband Dul, award winner of television Journalism from UNICEF and Alliance of Independent Journalist (AJI) for documentary movie about children.

I think I know him, long long.. time ago..

Please forgive me,
for the fire
that comes in me
the air that fill most of me
dirt in my eyes
water in my ears
diluting me from You
please give me way
to find myself in You
help me cleaving
tons of veils
that baring me from You
save me, God
from the shadow
and million forms who come in between
save me, God

I got this message in my facebook inbox this morning.
It soothing, at the very first day of seems to be the busiest week
before im leaving for another overseas coverage next week, Insya Allah..

Meanwhile, please enjoy, a quotation from old testament words of King Solomon or Sulaiman the prophet in Islam:

" For everything there is a season,
And a time for every matter under heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die;
A time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal;
A time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to throw away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
A time to embrace, And a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to seek, and a time to lose;
A time to keep, and a time to throw away;
A time to tear, and a time to sew;
A time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate,
A time for war, and a time for peace, "

(Ecclesiastes 3:1-8)

Thanks pak Jhon Mc Dougall.. :))

i think love between man and woman, platonic or not, or in some level of physical or brain (still physical) attractiveness
between those opposite kinds in the very moment when they fall in love, in some level, before it gets too physical, too earthly ....


Love, Godly or mundanely anyway those kinds of Love
that creates butterfly in our stomach is a Creative spirit
this kind of love is a must to Keep living, to Create something

I suspect this spirit originated from the first of human creation
I think this is way of God's loves us
That is why God creates Man and Woman
or flower and bee..
or blue and pink ..
Sun and Moon..
To express His Beauty
and Love
trough nature of his creation
that He, himself designs
Love triggers Creativity and Looks How Creative God is
can you see?

world seems dissapointing
with the middle east conflict
and horrible news from Africa
but still laugh of a kid in the street can lighten your heart, right?
or how beautiful sound of drizzle in your roof to night?

A wise man say, its one.
Smile of a kid, and blood scattered in Pakistan
is one. I can not undrestand that. But I feel its just right.

so To night, I hope everyone blessed with Love that will fill them with inspirations and creations
and reflect His Genuine way of Loving

God, do you think my writing is too cheesy?
anyway friend, lets fall in Love..
be expressive and celebrating Love

Ps: lagi mabok nih, I think mix something here... btw, i might delete this post when Im awake..:))..

I start to ask myself
why i like mediocre novels
it tells you nothing than the story of desperate lives
or a detective try to find the killer (even i know whose the killer in the middle of my reading),
or i dont know, am i too critical
belittle everything who doesn't bring sense of enlighten yet i like it
I like the way story told
i like how a story reach the peak
or how i see bad ending destroy all hundred pages before
(this also works to movie, ending is decisive)
and perfect ending save a -would-be-mediocre- book, becomes book of the year..
such as Kite Runners, damn ending. It will made you cry.
or .. i dont know, now, I read eric seagal 1958, not reaching the ending yet
while Seagal bragging about how special Harvard is..
its nothing,
like one day, a respected friend, surprised me with his catharsis trough
a trash song.. (trash clip too..)
Why human always sinking in nothingness and entertained by illusion?

After a long holiday

And rushing hours for works

Grumbling about traffic

And pimple,

And trying to be

a daughter

a friend

a scribbler

an auntie

a worker (exhausting… but, survive)

now, its weekend,

press the shutdown button

and voila!

Welcome my personal corner

Rakyat indonesia itu..
rela mati demi dua belas ribu rupiah
dihina, dipukuli, diperkosa, disetrika di negeri orang
bergelimpangan di jalan-jalan
tidur dalam gerobak
rumah di kolong jembatan habis dibakar
anak-anaknya jadi target pedhopilia
berterbangan saat tsunami
berlarian saat lari dari gempa bumi

Pejabat Indonesia itu..
merasa betul-betul pejabat kalau naik mobil lebih dari 200 juta
merasa dihormati dengan sirine yang mengaum saat dia membelah jalan raya
naik limousine di Paris saat mau minjem uang di CGI
sementara negara donor berdesakan di bis murah charteran
Senang kalau orang memuji dan mencium tangannya
Merasa bangga dengan rombongan besar yang mengikuti kemana-mana
dan sekretaris yang bisa bermain tenis

Sebagian kecil rakyat Indonesia itu,
Selalu menyetir mobil mewah dan supirnya membawa pistol
Liburan ke Eropa jadi patokan
Menyebut lawan bicara dengan Jij
Merasa puas saat tiap anaknya diberi rumah mewah lengkap dengan pudel
Menilai orang dari sepatu yang dipakai
dan bau parfumnya
Merasa bangga saat menyebut rumah di Menteng
menyumbang Hansip Kampung berlebihan supaya rumah tidak diserang
Datang ke konser Il Divo tanpa berusaha tahu artinya

Sebagian kecil rakyat Indonesia lagi,
Melihat segala kecurangan
dan kemunafikan
tanpa bisa berbuat apa-apa

dan sebagiannya lagi,
terseret kedalamnya.


Dua hari sebelum lebaran..
mohon maaf lahir dan batin, indonesiaku..

God,
this battle inside,
is it You?
Is it You?
behind all the fuss
behind all this hunger
nausea
rolling and rolling
and rolling
and those pictures keeps
inundating,
those whispers
mocking,
God,
is it You?

I went to the land where people despise their roots
blame their ancestor
inherited guilt
hiding head in their lap
shame on their leaders
and alienated

Its struck me
that my effort to think nationalism is foolish
is partial
that, probably, proud of where you come from
its part of nature

and to have terrible history
for a nation to exist is a cursed
because children are deceived
and lie, passes from generation to generation

Its good thing
that I have such proud history
for some episode of our ancestors
they were a truly fighters
they fight for freedom and glory
after 300 years in slavery

compare to a nation
that live from taking other human live
and busy lowering other nations
while in their home
people hang themselves because of frustration
dumped from so called civilization
just because they have different skin color

Thanks God,
to make me Indonesian,
a resident from a nation, a new born nation in 40's
(I used to call "artificial" nation, which is, I think its not an artificial shape anymore
when million people died to defend the idea)
which come of an idealistic dream
of unity in differences and freedom

I am,
the resident of nation that are poor
nations with thick dense of hypocrisy
and low level of decency

Those,
made me have to struggle more
to make this half way nation
a real home
for homeless souls

to deliver a genuine story
of rebirth of a great nation
that will be written
in the history

(after 2 week in commonwealth continent in the south)

Do you know that now you live with Zombie around you? Or maybe I already one?

Do you like Gossip show? Or you like to talk about someone’s bad? Or what you prejudice as bad? Hush-hush with your friends? Your eyes becomes wider, lowering your voice…that kind of style..

Gossip is when you talk about someone’s bad and it made you feel that you are better than her or him, you are kinder than him or her. Gossip made you despised him or her because with gossip, you feel that she is half human, and you feel that you are the complete one.

That’s our face now. What we consume everyday in our television screen, in our daily conversation.. Suddenly, we feel better after we talked about A who split with his wife, or C who used wrong outfit in a occasion, or D who is pervert, or the arrogant T, or The noisy M…or The Bitch C . After gossip, world suddenly better place to live, because there is bad person which are they, and there are good people such us.

That’s why, gossiping is such dangerous and destructive act. Because it deceives us. Gossip makes us feel better. And we continue to feel that way, and become blinded, continue to be blinded suddenly, we can not see inside our-self anymore. Because with gossip, we cover the light of knowing of our mistake and weakness, with such wrong perception, that we are better than someone, and finally, we feel that we are better than any people in the world.

Gossip makes you lost your honest mirror, your heart.
and continue to live without heart.

Its same with dying.

and become Zombie.

.

Sesungguhnya,

Dari segala keruwetan ini, Tuhan

Tidak ada segala sesuatu pun

Selain kita berdua

Yang lamat-lamat menyentuh hati ku

Mendera perasaanku

Kerinduan yang tak pernah aku mengerti

Tidak ada segala sesuatupun,

Selain kita berdua,

Sejak dulu

Tidak akan pernah ada kata yang cukup

untuk menuangkan ini

hanya titik air di sudut-sudut mata

mengungkapkan rinduku,

:tidak ada segala sesuatupun ternyata, Tuhan

selain kita berdua

in my tea garden,august 2007

(in a strange feeling of 12 years flashback in a meadow near Bandung)

two keys to unveil the secret of life:
grateful and patient
:)

Please forgive him God and protect him in this eternal journey..

Aamiin..

Manila, august 1,

(surya hito, 26, passed away at 3.40 am today)