the-riddle

today, when i tell almost everybody in my inner circle that I lost my wallet.. the general expression is: "Ah, finally !" it is very much common for them to shout something close to .. acceptance and understanding, sometimes sounds forgiving, when it comes to my things and lost. A something that they are sure it can not be changed anymore, something like a faith.

Anyway I (finally) lost my wallet on Saturday night, complete with Rp. 2000 -, a credit card, several banks atm cards, a brand new citizen ID (yup. here, in Indonesia we are just number, you don't have number, you are wiped out from the civilization :)), pictures of my beloved nephews, picture me and my husband (the h) when we were young, beautiful and free :)) and ah.. this is the saddest part.. 5 tickets of "kungfu panda" that me, h, and nephews plan to watch that night. Me for the second time and first time for the nephews..

We are there in a crowded amusement park in a mall on west Jakarta, walking back and forth to buy more and more tickets (they said Token, for ticket, there), balloons, ice creams, holding balloon in one hand, and unfinished glasses (glasses!!, imagine..) of drink in another. Not forget using camera phone to take memorable pictures of my 2 years old nephew ride his carousel for the first time, taking the flying ship for the first time, and anything for the first time, for him everything is magic. For us the adults, everything is for their smile and laugh.

Until I realize, five minutes after I find out that I running out cash in my wallet to buy more ticket, its gone. My wallet is gone. i can not find it anymore, in my bags, in the seats, in the floor. Just gone. Well I dont react much.. I mean, well, there is a time for everything, right? Loosing something its not as hard as loosing someone, dont you think so? you just make a phone call to make sure everything blocked, go to nearest police post, filing report, you can have everything back, just like before. You can buy the same wallet if you want. (and also this is secret, I don't have much money)

If there is a lesson learn in this moment, beside my clumsiness which is already my middle name, I know it is moral message to myself: my thinking of me, being saint. What? ?..

Hum, Ok, this is my revelation.. :))

I almost lost my wallet for several times (this explain you the "Ah finally!" words, right?).. i remember two quite dramatic events (not including uncounted incidents where i left it in my home or in office desk)

first i left it in a cafe in my office building, I remember that after several hours. I Bid my luck, call up the security, trailing them trough the phone to walk to the cafe, searching and thanks God, its back to me. (This story is not THAT happy, i mean... I find out that I lost my wallet, in the middle of dinner with H in a quite fancy restaurant. Can you imagine your date spent all time glued in her mobile, talked begingly to someone else, in the middle of dim light, roses and steak?)

Secondly I drop my wallet in a street, it plungs to a streetwhole full with rain water.. I dont realize until some 10 - 15 minutes, then ask my car to stop and walk stoic-ly (stoic because im sure where i drop it) almost 300 meters back, crossing the roads, walked pass the ojek groups and everything, and there. someone in the stores nearby find it, keep it, and handed to me, when I arrive there. It's surely magic in this poor country, right? you drop your wallet in the street, and someone take it and give it back to you? its almost a miracle!

In the way home, after the second incident, I start to think oh.. Why God is so kind to me? And i start to remember what I have done.. ah, i am eligible enough for His help i guess, im good enough.. I might be a saint.. Oh God. Its not surprising me.. I am good. i have done many things...

He he..

Thanks God, Allhamdulilah, finally I lost my wallet. I am not saint.
and I still have that C hanging in my middle name. The clumsiest of all..

Widyatmiko nugroho
may, 12 1969 - may, 18 2008
Coolest brother, always smell good,
a blues guitar player
Most loving,
caring, honest,
sincere man
please embrace him
with Your Love..
Aamiin..

ps: and please protect and love his son and wife too

I sail to the sun
shaving the morning mist
feel the wave on the ocean bliss

"show me the north!"
the carving compass
stay still,
glued in the hull

I, a hideous giant in hiding
captain in my classic ship
stand up on the deck
against the sun light
hoping its burning me right

Golden ray of sun
resplendent in the peaceful ocean
captivating me
in the joy of sunrise

Golden ray of sun
let me feel the warmest
of your touch
here in my park
here in my lake
here, in me

If I can give you my heart
I will give you
since its not mine
I just say




just hold on to your pure heart
caresses softly
listen to its story
its pain
its happiness
its gay and liberty

inside your heart
find the spot
where you feel happy and content
avoid the place
where you feel dreadful and sad

knock the door of your heart
say: salaam..
and listen

its humming
like the summer sound
sing the song,
its an easy song
and dance
embrace life!
celebrate!
with the music of your heart

hold on to your heart
it will mend your wound
fix your broken dream
and flying you up
up there to sky

Dear God,
If I feel happy
let my heart blooms
like flowers in spring
feel the breeze of a cooling wind
dancing with the bird sing

Dear God,
If I feel sad
let my heart feel
the wisdom of autumn

enjoy the fallen leafs
the grey colors
wrapped in a warm jacket
in the chill



And I will let the tears and laugh
If there is
with me in all season
as long as I
continue to find
a secret place
where I only be with You
Forever

Jakarta, 27 Januari 2006

Adalah hal yang aneh, apabila kita telah mencapai batas kesedihan atau kesakitan yang amat sangat, di satu titik kita tidak bisa merasakan apa2, atau tepatnya kita tidak mempunyai cukup ruang di otak kita untuk mengekspresikan itu. Yang dirasakan malah sebaliknya, seperti orang ingin tertawa sepuas-puasnya, terbahak-bahak, berguling-guling, atau malah diam membatu. Mungkin ini batas antara kenormalan dan kegilaan.

Orang, dalam pilihan yang sadar, mungkin bisa memilih menjadi gila atau tidak. Orang gila adalah orang yang berani dalam satu batasan tertentu, sebab dia menuruti hatinya, gejolak pikirannya dan berani terlepas dari kebiasaan orang-orang di sekitarnya. Jika ibu kita mati misalnya, adalah hal yang cukup gila misalnya, jika kita malah tertawa berguling-guling di pemakamannya, tapi siapa yang bisa memahami rasa sakit, dan sedih yang telah mencapai batas dan menjadi tidak tertanggungkan, otak menjadi kebingungan dimana menempatkan signal yang selama ini tidak pernah dikenalinya. Orang sering bilang dalam pembicaraan sehari-hari yang kasar dan terbuka bahwa "otak orang itu korslet," Begitulah, kata yang terdengar asal itu mempunyai makna yang cukup ilmiah.

Secara lebih filosofis, kalau bisa dikatakan begitu, manusia dengan bentuk kesadaran yang berbeda dari mahluk-mahluk bertulang belakang lainnya, mempunyai kebutuhan yang mendasar, melebihi kebutuhan makan atau sex, yaitu kebutuhan untuk memaknai. Memaknai apa yang terjadi pada dirinya, pada lingkungan sekitarnya. Memberi makna selain memberikan kepuasan tuntutan dasarnya, juga membuat dia dan dirinya ada. Ada dalam makna yang dirangkaikannya sendiri.

Berbagai kitab suci dijadikan manusia sebagai pegangan untuk memaknai, ada orang-orang yang berani atau frustasi, mencoba lari dari semua kitab suci, dan bertanya – tanya dan mencari-cari sendiri. Kemana akhirnya? Itulah mungkin yang disebut Dante dalam Divine Comedia, pemaknaan saya (yang sudah pasti sangat subjektif) dengan segala kekelamannya tentang hidup sesudah mati dan juga imaginasi nya ttg keindahan surga, Dante mencoba mentertawai hidup manusia. Suatu komedi, yang tragis. Mereka tidak meminta untuk dilahirkan. Dan ada di dunia ini dengan pilihan-pilihan, ada surga dan neraka dalam pilihannya. Menuruti nafsunya atau menahan. Tapi apakah dia,manusia meminta ada dalam kehidupan ini? Lantas kenapa dia dihukum untuk pilihan-pilihannya?

Dalam segala bentuk keimanan, memang ada yang namanya lompatan. Melompat untuk mengimani. Ada orang –orang yang melompat demi menuruti lingkungna sosialnya, dan tentu saja ini amat hipokrit dan pengecut. Ada yang melompat karena menemukan "pencerahan" dalam keimanannya itu. Seseorang menjadi komunis, misalya karena komunis memberinya pencerahan untuk ketiadaan kelas dalam masyarakat. Atau seseorang berjilbab, karena menemukan keleluasan yang sifatnya tidak fisikal, dan disisi lain orang dapat mengimani nudisme, sebab percaya bahwa manusia adalah juga bagian yang natural dari alam dan adalah menolak hal yang alamiah apabila dia berpakaian, atau berhubungan sex dengan perkawinan. Berbagai macam lompatan. Tentu saja lompatan yang paling melegakan untuk semua manusia, adalah lompatan yang jujur.

Apakah ada yang dapat menilai kejujuran? Yang terletak, dan tersembunyi dalam beberapa lapisan hati?

Kembali pada kesedihan atau rasa sakit, mungkin seseorang dapat mengurangi kesedihan dengan mecoba merangkaikan makna-makna. Benar atau tidaknya, saya yakin, kejujuran hatinya yang akan bergetar,seperti radar. Jika dia mengada-adakan makna, atau memang dia menemukannya. Tidak ada yang harus dipaksakan. Biarkan airmata atau tawa, kesedihan mengalir menemukan muara maknanya sendiri. Yang jujur.

Bandung, 25 Mei 2008

Dan Kesedihan itu ternyata tidak selalu berbentuk air mata. Dia bisa berupa rasa mual, batuk yang tidak berhenti-henti atau sesak nafas.
Tapi kehilangan, kematian, semua adalah bagian dari hidup. Ketetapan. Tidak ada yang bisa dilakukan kecuali menyerahkan jiwa, raga, pada Sang Pemilik Kehidupan. Berserah diri.


ps: dont hide your tears, vik.. and let the angels amuse you..

I am just an empty shell
full with sand
splashing my dirt
hurting
I am just an empty shell
in the ocean
sinking

one day sun said to the moon:
"sorry, I can not stop my light from touching you"
are you okay, is it too hot?"
and moon said:
"Nope.. its alright. it makes me shinning in the dark"

one day moon said to the sun:
"why do you stop the light?"
sun said:
"No, i dont.
But this earth standing in the way.
barring my light"

One day sun said to the moon:
"I feel tired, this earth blocking my light.
I will not shine anymore. too much shadow. Too dark.
and moon said:
"No, the light is in you, you can not stop the light. It will pass. Everything will pass.
Trust me, "

One day, the earth is back to its place. and the eclipse over.

and the moon
and the sun
back in their role
shining, all the way.

somehow, they missed the conversation.

I hover from time to time
place to place
Frozen in the vacant seat
in unknown airports
ports
stations
landed in a place without name
not necessarily mentions in a map
people talk in a rhyme sound,
i can not catch one word
I do know by heart, a sincere smile
Hovering
questioning this frivolity
hoping for a leap
for a mean
and fly

My daughter or son or..
if i get old and boring
patronizing you with
all these mundane structures
school,
homework,
work,
married,

everything that you might not understand
everything that you might hate
or tend to break
remind me that I have told you this

That, this world is keeping secrets
waiting to be unveiled
this world is not only miseries
and robotic act
and put your humanity behind the bar

But this world is offering you with million of possibilities
and adventure and magic
fairies, heroes, gods are not tale
We are part of a long story of humans
We are the miracle

This world is always
a battle of good and evil
and in the end
goodness is always win
Honesty will always win
Sincerity will always win
Even if people play you around
and betray
of your fond purity
let them be


Since the world is keeping secrets
waiting to be unveiled
Sky is keeping secrets
waiting to be unveiled
Your heart is keeping secrets
waiting to be unveiled

Only the winner who can unveil
the one who always, always
follow their heart

Then, never stop to redefine
ask questions
be foolish
honest
and free

and remind me,
that I have told you this
even when I still dont know
if i can have you

This world is too sedative
and hard for us to wake
paying loan is bigger than dream
the real is better to have dream
and avoid the loan :))

If I got old and whining
ask you to have good job, house
to get married and have kids
remind me that I have told you this

This world has no boundaries
You have no boundaries
We are the miracle
Just be you

Listen the sardonic story of Antonio de Carlie,
a priest from Brazil who flew with thousand of balloons
He staged the stunt to raise money for his church
it was a foolish things to do, one might say
but I said, why not?
it is good being foolish once in your life
and be free

The news said de Carlie went missing
some of his balloons was found floating
in the Brazilian coast..
but his body was never found..

Somehow, its good to be Carlie
being foolish, believing your faith
being foolish and free
it's expression of love
we are foolish when we are in love
like de carlie..
He might die happy..

so, friends be foolish
be free
and let the wind take you away..



ps: picture taken from reuters photo: its Antonio de Carlie with his balloons. Stunning.

Lullaby and good night, with roses bed night
With lilies o'er spread is baby's wee bed
Lay thee down now and rest, may thy slumber be blessed
Lay thee down now and rest, may thy slumber be blessed

Lullaby and good night, thy mother's delight
Bright angels beside my darling abide
They will guard thee at rest, thou shalt wake on my breast
They will guard thee at rest, thou shalt wake on my breast


ps: in a memory of a peaceful night :)

Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking,
it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
It does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.
—I Corinthians 13:4-8a -

Tidak pernah cukup kata,
melukiskan ini
Sejak dulu
ruang kecil itu
selalu saja kosong
dan cahaya-Mu merayu,
menarikku kembali
dalam pusaran kerinduan yang menyakitkan
melihat kembali, ruang kecil itu
ternyata tidak pernah terisi

Children of the ocean,
I see a boy in both of you
and I am here
feel your both tears
share laugh to your bitter life
i am just here
and feel
never bother me
or ask what i feel
what i don't feel
never try to reach me
or, get rid of me
or share my tears
or share my laugh
it's not what i am here for
Let the angels witness my pain, laugh and tears
But, i feel you both
feel your both pain
feel your both quest
witness you both
just let it be
maybe,
all is love

ps: hopefully, both became triple, dozens, hundred, thousand, million, billion...

Naomi Sosuke*) teaches me something.
You don't need to moan to feel the pain
Hold your tongue, the silent will take over
It teaches you the secret of pain
: silent voices


*)"Mon", a sleepy novel by Naomi Sosuke.

Mirror cracked,
if you tell her
your shadow

Mirror cracked
if you think
you are more
than your reflection

Miror cracked
if you hit her
with your shameless
vanity
and
desire

Tuhan,

Jika memang duka adalah bagian dari hidupku
Maka perjalankanlah aku kepada-Mu
Dengan itu

Tuhan,
Jika kepahitan cinta adalah bagian dari hidupku
Maka perjalankanlah aku kepada-Mu
Dengan itu

Bebaskan aku dari harapan Tuhanku
Bahkan dari keindahan
Bahkan dari penemuan-penemuan
Bebaskan aku Tuhanku

Dan pertemukanlah aku Dengan-Mu

sm (self-mocking) : kata "kepahitan cinta" dangdut banget .. :))..
ini kaya tulisan2 di tembok WC SMA. a whole rangkaian kata2 ini memang dangdut banget.. he, he..