the-riddle

it was tokyo in my mind
when I waited for taxi last friday
not the glittering part of Ginza nor the fancy restaurant,
but a dim part , the silent corner,
near Ueno and Minowa
the street with no name
I waited for taxi there two years ago
and I remember there was no people
Except huge streets and cars passing by
i just joined a summer dance
in a suburban
where people gathered to celebrate warmest month of the year..
the music was surreal, the dance was nothing near beautiful
it was only two old ladies with Yukata*)
and moving in strangest dance I ever seen
and asking people to make a circle and dance together
i joined the circle
blended myself with the rhythm
they asked me to claps
followed their move, and laughed at my confusion
and me, laughed at myself
i remember a scene in milan kundera's book of laughter and forgetting
when bohemian students gather to make a circle and dance during the rally
and their circle is flying away, they are flying away, way, way out to the sky..
It is Tokyo in my mind
still today, right now
the air, the cloud, the people,
how can a city made your heart fall, so badly?
especially a megapolitan where humans are so indifference?
where people found killing themselves is, was, way out of honor?
why I retained peace where people killing their souls with machine?
If i can sing like Billy Joel,
I would say "Im in the Tokyo state of mind.. "

*)taken from billy joel song: newyork state of mind
*) yukata= simple kimono for summer
*) the dim picture was picture near minowa, where i stayed the last time i visited Tokyo..
its not exjactly the street where i feel dejavu, but looked like it

It is not hard to meet Him,
You can meet with His acts, His words
in you everyday
Not in your dream,
Not somewhere in the 7 layers of sky
But in you, in every second of your life

When you swept dry leafs in the yard this morning
Do you recognize it is His language of sacrifice?
He gives everything to you
and only asking you to get pleasure from those
His vision of nature,
Asking the old leaf to die, surrender to the ground,
Let the new life begin

When you feel sad to the atrocities around you,
Even when it is only an ant who killed abruptly?
It is His compassion, His tenderness speaks trough you,
let you understand His vision of love and tender care

When you feel that you are loved?
Or missed?
It is His love around you
He misses you, and loves you
More, more, more, more, more, more…
Than you'll ever wanted to know..

“ Mengenai langkah yang harus dijalani, janganlah kamu berlebihan, hiduplah dengan bersahaja, jangan sombong dalam berbicara, dan jangan berlebihan terhadap sesama manusia. Itulah langkah sempurna yang sejati. Bertapa di gunung atau di gua itu akan menjadikanmu takabur,lakukanlah tapa di tengah ramainya manusia. Milikilah sikap luhur dan maafkanlah orang yang salah. Hanya itulah langkah yang sejati”

(Sajarah Wali, Syekh Syarif hidayatullah Sunan Gunang jati, Naskah Mertasinga, Wahjoe: Pustaka, 2005)

Paragraph diatas saya kutipkan dari sebuah naskah kuno Mertasinga yang merupakan pesan yang disampaikan oleh Syekh Ataullah salah satu guru dari Sunan Gunung Jati. Naskah ini diterjemahkan oleh Amman N Wahjoe yang memiliki dokumen ini secara turun menurun dalam keluarganya. Wahjoe membuat babad yang berbahasa jawa-sundan ini dalam bahasa Indonesia dan menjadi satu bacaan berbahasa Indonesia yang banyak menyingkap sejarah tentang para wali di pulau jawa.

Sebenarnya ajaran-ajaran macam ini bertebaran di Indonesia. Bentuknya dapat berupa babad, kawuh, kinanti dan sebagainya. Satu bentuk dokumen yang biasanya hanya dipunyai oleh keturunan yang sifatnya ekslusif dan tidak terdokumentasi dengan baik.

Banyak keluarga di Indonesia ini menyimpan catatan-catatan ataupun tinggalan dari kakek, nenek atau buyutnya. Namun karena ketidakmengertian catatan ini diperlakukan sebagai jimat yang dikeramatkan tanpa dikuak isinya.

Bagi saya pribadi amat menarik untuk mengetahui secara mendalam ajaran-ajaran para wali di pulau jawa ini. Sejak dulu informasi yang saya terima tentang para wali, hanyalah hal-hal yang berisifat sinkretik yang penuh dengan cerita-cerita kegaiban.

Namun semakin saya mencari, yang saya temukan adalah kesederhanaan ajaran mereka yang cukup menyentuh sisi keberagamaan saya. Kalau ditilik dari ajaran-ajarannya para sunan ini tidak hanya sekedar pendakwah, namun mereka mempunyai khazanah sufistik yang cukup mendalam.

Salah satu tanda dari khazanah sufistik yang dimiliki para wali tersebut adalah wisdom (kebijaksanaan). Salah satu contohnya dapat kita rasakan pada ajaran sunan kudus yang sampai saat ini masih diyakini oleh sebagian masyarakat di kota itu, yaitu tidak menyembelih sapi. Saat itu sunan kudus memerintahkan penghormatan terhadap sapi untuk mentoleransi kepercayaan masyarakat Hindu yang hidup di kota itu.

Menurut kisah yang tersebar dalam masyarakat, Sunan ini memulai dakwahnya dengan cara yang sangat unik untuk memancing masyarakat pergi ke masjid mendengarkan dakwahnya. Ia sengaja menambatkan sapinya yang diberi nama Kebo Gumarang di halaman masjid. Orang-orang Hindu yang mengagungkan sapi, tumbuh simpatinya. Apalagi setelah mereka mendengar penjelasan Sunan Kudus tentang surat Al Baqarah yang berarti "sapi betina".

Selain itu kita dapat juga mempelajari ajaran dari Sunan Bonang yang gemar mecipatakan lagu-lagu rakyat sebagai lahan dakwahnya. Salah satu tembangnya yang cukup populer sampai saat ini, terutama saat dinyantikan kembali oleh Opick “tombo ati” merupakan hasil karyanya. Boleh saya kutipkan disini terjemahan dari syair berbahasa Jawa tersebut : Obat hati ada lima perkara/ yang pertamabaca qur'an dan maknanya/ yang kedua shalat malam dirikanlah/yang ketiga berkumpulah dengan orang saleh/yang keempat perbanyaklah berpuasa/yang kelima dzikir malam perpanjanglah/siapa yang bisa melakukan salah satunya /semoga Tuhan memberikan penyembuhnya

Salah satu sunan yang cukup unik pendekatannya dan cukup akrab dengan budaya lokal adalah Sunan kalijaga. Wali yang satu ini menggunakan pendekatan budaya untuk mendekati masyarakat Hindu Budha pada jamannya. Salah satu peninggalan beliau yang cukup dikenal oleh masyarakat Jawa adalah kisah pewayangan Dewa ruci.

Kisah tentang Bima yang bertemu dngan dewa ruci yang berwujud sama dengan dirinya menyimbolkan pertemuan manusia dengan jiwanya sendiri. Kisah Dewa Ruci merupakan satu simbol khazanah kesufian yang melihat bahwa tiap-tiap manusia harus bertemu dengan jiwanya sendiri untuk mengetahui laku sejati dalam hidupnya. Sayangnya saat ini banyak orang Jawa menggunakan pementasan wayang Dewa Ruci ini untuk ritual “ruwatan” tanpa mengetahui pesan sesungguhnya dari kisah tersebut.

Yang cukup ajaib buat saya juga adalah fakta sejarah bahwa para wali itu sebagian besar adalah orang-orang asing. Menurut buku yang ditulis oleh Sudirman Tebba, “Mengenal Wajah Islam yang ramah” (Pustaka Irvan, 2007) dan juga Sajarah Wali dalam Naskah Mertasinga, para wali kebanyakan berasal dari tanah arab dan Campa.

Syekh Syarif Hidayatullah sendiri serta Sunan Kudus mempunyai berdarah arab . Wali-wali yang lain seperti Sunan Ampel, Sunan Giri dan Sunan Bonang yang mempunyai hubungan kekeluargaan satu sama lain, merupakan keturunan dari Campa, perdebatan sering merujuk Campa sebagai salah satu daerah di Kamboja.

Kenyataan bahwa orang-orang asing khusus datang dan berkumpul ke pulau Jawa untuk menyebarkan dakwah Islam, adalah hal yang cukup menarik untuk diselami. Mengapa mereka datang ke pulau jawa? Dan lebih hebatnya lagi mengapa mereka yang berdarah asing itu dapat membumikan nilai-nilai Islam sesuai dengan nilai lokal atau lebih tepatnya “berdakwah dengan “bahasa” kaumnya?

Ini adalah misteri yang membutuhkan studi yang panjang, namun dengan khazanah sufistiknya yang unik para wali mengajarkan nenek moyang saya untuk menyembah Tuhan dengan keberserahdirian yang sederhana.

Sayangnya esensi dari ajaran para wali ini terlupakan saat ini. Banyak orang di Indonesia mencoba mencari refleksi keagamaannya ke luar dan bukan pada dirinya sendiri. Gerakan pan Islamisme tahun 80-an agaknya banyak membuat perubahan dalam berislamnya orang Indonesia.

Faham-faham yang serba keras, pure berwajah syariah tanpa percikan kebijakan membuat Islam difahami dengan perspektif yang amat berbeda pada generasi – generasi muda Islam Indonesia yang ada saat ini.

Gerakan – gerakan Islam yang banyak merupakan turunan dari organisasi Islam dari mesir atau saudi Arabia, membuat banyak orang terasing dari sejarah keberagamaannya sendiri. Aliran garis keras ini pun direaksi dengan gerakan keIslaman yang liberal yang mencoba memasukkan Islam mempunyai logika berfikirnya sendiri yang transenden, dalam frame ilmiah barat yang sifatnya materialistik.

Saya tidak menemukan wajah Islam yang diyakini oleh nurani saya pada dua sisi ekstrim tersebut. Namun saya menemukan ketersambungan akar keyakinan saya tentang bagaimana seharusnya “beragama Islam” dalam ajaran para wali .

Sekarang, disaat Islam didentikan dengan terorisme dan kekerasan, Indonesia sering ditoleh oleh barat sebagai anti thesa bahwa Islam adalah wujud dari kedamaian dan toleransi. Menurut saya sudah saatnya untuk menggali dan mencoba menemukan inti dari warisan ajaran-ajaran para wali, sehingga kita bisa menemukan keunikan sejarah keberagamaan kita sendiri dan menyebarkan pada dunia, wajah Islam yang sebenarnya sebagai Rahmat sekalian alam.

we try to steal face of God
in every words, in every gaze
we are deceived,
hunger,
thirst,
lost
in this layers of illusions
questions
searching for His Beauty
plunge
in the same hole
again.
who can answer this longing?
Who will?

Even im a journalist for 9 years, i do not hold on physical evidence to judge things in my life. Im dwelling in dreams. imaginations. massive logic. emotions. I react spontaneously. Sometimes, signs, dreams, feeling, tendency, speak when it becomes reality. I just let it slides.

But living like that for almost your whole life, its like a mess. Its like you don't clean your desk for whole couple of years. You just take what presented in front of you, and react. you dont know anything, but make certain perception and take action. i think it is time to bring a little bit of journalism sense into my life.

I have to stand on a clear logic to explain things I have to continue to redefine everything, i will not let myself dwelling in anything, I will clear my head. And hopefully, You, My Lord, will in and show me the real things.

There is philosophy behind cleaning your desk that i think all office boy and girl know.
These are some knowledges I find when I clean my desk:

1. Do it slowly

2. Alert of prestigious stuffs that might be found. You might find your golden ring, or confidential documents, or anything that is important, but forgotten, because it's hidden under loads of unnecessary stuffs scattering, piling up, jostling in your desk.

3. Decide wisely, dispose or keep. If you decide to keep, put in the right place.

4. Consistent. Another documents, stuffs, will come. Another load of your life will come and piling up in your desk. Next time, Dont' wait until years to clean up. Every time, any dirt comes, clean it. And don't forget, Do it wisely whether to keep or throwing the stuffs away.

Hum, easy right?

I think knowing these principles will help me to clean ... everything!

first step to know who i am is to know my weaknesses.
the first and foremost weakness is, okay, i am filthy.
wait, not need to be over interpretation by saying: "well everyone is filthy animal...!"
no. I mean i am literally filthy,
dont be deceived by my appearance with the headscarf or anything..
a friend said that i look like a teacher or something (not a journalist, unfortunately)

Wait until you see my bag, or worst, my desk. working desk.
Hum, its like seeing a dirty pond. you can not see the bottom.

Tonight i cleaned my working desk,
the right word is, i threw anything that looks like over-used.
and what did I find?

well, some books, important books that i have been looking for..
East timor Constitutions, i was keep downloading that trough Google, i forgot that i have printed it. and pictures.. memorable pictures..

God, looks what i found when i cleaned my desk..
what will i find if clean my self?
but, i will not go too far
the second step is, i think, washing my hair
i haven't washed for ...
well already too much informations :))
i should stop now.

he, he
i like cleaning up.
i dont know it can be this fun.

ps: thanks for pak usin who has helped me patiently tonight..:))

(A self political manifesto, in attempt to stop the restless mind)

Now, im reading “The Tree That Fell To the West, “ a compilation of teaching of M.R Bawa Muhaiyaddien , a srilankan sufi, who has explained with clarity and wisdom of God’s existence in every second of humans life.

In a chapter, he explained his spiritual experienced witnessing God’s words explained him about dark future of the world as how the nature would be stumbling down, and humans would be possessed and ruled by evil desires, world would be kept in darkness, and give room only to the massive hypocrisy.

The chapter reminds me of other projections from a great number of spiritualist here and there, who has the same dim projection. And now, we don’t need a spiritualist to see how this world is going to end.

Global warming becoming more real everyday in every place of the world. I don’t need to explain how bad it is. Everyone in this world has their own version of their experience in a earthquake, trap in flood, witnessing hurricane. The threat of a global natural disaster is real in front of us.

How about world leaders? We see that so called respected nations leaders who rule this world has done nothing to the betterment of their people. Words are becoming more important than actions. United Nations has proven that they can not function when they do nothing to unilateralism action by some countries in the world. The understanding that world has moved to more civilized nature by putting consensus and multilateralism first, is merely illusion. Humans are not changed from time to time. They have betrayed their own achievement of finding great values that hopeful to elevate their quality, by trying to violate these values everyday. We witness those shameful acts from the lowest level in our neighborhood, in the government buildings, in the parliament corners, in the world institutions.

We witness that. We abhor that. And what we can do?

Some people choose to move across became a radicalist in their own way, a revolutionist freedom fighter ( I will not use most popular political encoding word such as terrorist) a religion radicalist, an environment radicalist, a leftist, a rightist, building illusion upper illusion and create more anger, damage, and blood.

Some people choose to hide, and build their own world, praying in the corner of their houses, made exclusive groups and waiting for the doomsday. They see that the hope is end. What they can do is wait, and pray, and do nothing.

I don’t think those choices are productive.

I remember in some teaching, including Bawa, reminds me that, the world outside us is merely a projection of the world inside me. Humans wildness, and vengeance, hatred , and anger, is taking their real projection in this world, trough the nature outside, and also the people act.

I like the concept. I can not explain further the reason, why I am interested in the concept. But, I think that concept explained a substantial, an inherent relevance of humans, nature and the people. One with minimum spiritual knowledge, will naturally know that there is a single reality that is personal beyond their physical body.

How if I say that the crumbling world, the nature and its people, is a mirror of the emptiness in humans? The emptiness in each of us? Their anger its our anger. Their frustration its our frustration. Their vengeance its our vengeance. Their confusion is our confusion. Their greediness is our greediness? Their moral corruption, their adultery.. the darkness that we witness now, is a mirror, showing our own darkness?

I think we can not appoint any injustice or anything, without looking inside us first. To have a self revolutionary act, is a must for everyone who wants to change the world. If one can change one-self, there is a hope to change the world. Maybe the answer of this dark projection of future, is each of us.

How to start this act? But, what is self anyway?

To start the self revolutionary act is to know what is self.

To know who I am.

I think that’s the biggest homework for me, maybe for everyone.

One says that heaven and hell is near

The heart will show us,

Is it heaven there?

or hell

it is our heart who will define

to where we will end

I look inside my heart

and what do I find?

Dogs of desire wagging its tail,

Monkeys of mind jumping around,

restless, pointless

Two wise men, in different time and place

say : " Let them pass.

Do not follow their move, but

do not get angry or drive them away

just stand still, and let them passing by"

Hover in the heaviest battle

I nurture the light

from the darkness that keep me tight

*) monkeys of mind, dogs of desire taken from Bawa Muhaiyaddien words in his books

Battle in the castle
of wicked flame
and the Light
Aren't we only human?
and our Heart
is the Colosseum
of war
between our heroic part
and those wicked ones
and I'm drifting
in this realm
not a heroine
definitely not a heroine
May You forgive me Lord
Despite my cowardice
my shameful act
my embarrassing foolishness
I beg You
allow me to continue
to feel
and be grateful
for Your real, boundless affection
of Love and tenderness
forever

Honey,
this is your first stone
comes from your patience, hard work, and persistence
and this first stone
given
from the Source of Inspirations
that you have given your self into

Sad and happiness is other side of a coin
proud and humiliation just a playful creature in the lake
wagging us with their tail
seduce us
drown us

stand still
and hear the rhyme
and slowly step to your next stone
and next stone
and next stone
and thousand stones ahead

be a servant
of truth and honesty
and let your soul
spread the wing
and fly

Jakarta, December 18

ps: Dedicated for my husband Dul, award winner of television Journalism from UNICEF and Alliance of Independent Journalist (AJI) for documentary movie about children.

I think I know him, long long.. time ago..

Please forgive me,
for the fire
that comes in me
the air that fill most of me
dirt in my eyes
water in my ears
diluting me from You
please give me way
to find myself in You
help me cleaving
tons of veils
that baring me from You
save me, God
from the shadow
and million forms who come in between
save me, God

I got this message in my facebook inbox this morning.
It soothing, at the very first day of seems to be the busiest week
before im leaving for another overseas coverage next week, Insya Allah..

Meanwhile, please enjoy, a quotation from old testament words of King Solomon or Sulaiman the prophet in Islam:

" For everything there is a season,
And a time for every matter under heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die;
A time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal;
A time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to throw away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
A time to embrace, And a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to seek, and a time to lose;
A time to keep, and a time to throw away;
A time to tear, and a time to sew;
A time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate,
A time for war, and a time for peace, "

(Ecclesiastes 3:1-8)

Thanks pak Jhon Mc Dougall.. :))

i think love between man and woman, platonic or not, or in some level of physical or brain (still physical) attractiveness
between those opposite kinds in the very moment when they fall in love, in some level, before it gets too physical, too earthly ....


Love, Godly or mundanely anyway those kinds of Love
that creates butterfly in our stomach is a Creative spirit
this kind of love is a must to Keep living, to Create something

I suspect this spirit originated from the first of human creation
I think this is way of God's loves us
That is why God creates Man and Woman
or flower and bee..
or blue and pink ..
Sun and Moon..
To express His Beauty
and Love
trough nature of his creation
that He, himself designs
Love triggers Creativity and Looks How Creative God is
can you see?

world seems dissapointing
with the middle east conflict
and horrible news from Africa
but still laugh of a kid in the street can lighten your heart, right?
or how beautiful sound of drizzle in your roof to night?

A wise man say, its one.
Smile of a kid, and blood scattered in Pakistan
is one. I can not undrestand that. But I feel its just right.

so To night, I hope everyone blessed with Love that will fill them with inspirations and creations
and reflect His Genuine way of Loving

God, do you think my writing is too cheesy?
anyway friend, lets fall in Love..
be expressive and celebrating Love

Ps: lagi mabok nih, I think mix something here... btw, i might delete this post when Im awake..:))..

I start to ask myself
why i like mediocre novels
it tells you nothing than the story of desperate lives
or a detective try to find the killer (even i know whose the killer in the middle of my reading),
or i dont know, am i too critical
belittle everything who doesn't bring sense of enlighten yet i like it
I like the way story told
i like how a story reach the peak
or how i see bad ending destroy all hundred pages before
(this also works to movie, ending is decisive)
and perfect ending save a -would-be-mediocre- book, becomes book of the year..
such as Kite Runners, damn ending. It will made you cry.
or .. i dont know, now, I read eric seagal 1958, not reaching the ending yet
while Seagal bragging about how special Harvard is..
its nothing,
like one day, a respected friend, surprised me with his catharsis trough
a trash song.. (trash clip too..)
Why human always sinking in nothingness and entertained by illusion?

After a long holiday

And rushing hours for works

Grumbling about traffic

And pimple,

And trying to be

a daughter

a friend

a scribbler

an auntie

a worker (exhausting… but, survive)

now, its weekend,

press the shutdown button

and voila!

Welcome my personal corner

Rakyat indonesia itu..
rela mati demi dua belas ribu rupiah
dihina, dipukuli, diperkosa, disetrika di negeri orang
bergelimpangan di jalan-jalan
tidur dalam gerobak
rumah di kolong jembatan habis dibakar
anak-anaknya jadi target pedhopilia
berterbangan saat tsunami
berlarian saat lari dari gempa bumi

Pejabat Indonesia itu..
merasa betul-betul pejabat kalau naik mobil lebih dari 200 juta
merasa dihormati dengan sirine yang mengaum saat dia membelah jalan raya
naik limousine di Paris saat mau minjem uang di CGI
sementara negara donor berdesakan di bis murah charteran
Senang kalau orang memuji dan mencium tangannya
Merasa bangga dengan rombongan besar yang mengikuti kemana-mana
dan sekretaris yang bisa bermain tenis

Sebagian kecil rakyat Indonesia itu,
Selalu menyetir mobil mewah dan supirnya membawa pistol
Liburan ke Eropa jadi patokan
Menyebut lawan bicara dengan Jij
Merasa puas saat tiap anaknya diberi rumah mewah lengkap dengan pudel
Menilai orang dari sepatu yang dipakai
dan bau parfumnya
Merasa bangga saat menyebut rumah di Menteng
menyumbang Hansip Kampung berlebihan supaya rumah tidak diserang
Datang ke konser Il Divo tanpa berusaha tahu artinya

Sebagian kecil rakyat Indonesia lagi,
Melihat segala kecurangan
dan kemunafikan
tanpa bisa berbuat apa-apa

dan sebagiannya lagi,
terseret kedalamnya.


Dua hari sebelum lebaran..
mohon maaf lahir dan batin, indonesiaku..

God,
this battle inside,
is it You?
Is it You?
behind all the fuss
behind all this hunger
nausea
rolling and rolling
and rolling
and those pictures keeps
inundating,
those whispers
mocking,
God,
is it You?

I went to the land where people despise their roots
blame their ancestor
inherited guilt
hiding head in their lap
shame on their leaders
and alienated

Its struck me
that my effort to think nationalism is foolish
is partial
that, probably, proud of where you come from
its part of nature

and to have terrible history
for a nation to exist is a cursed
because children are deceived
and lie, passes from generation to generation

Its good thing
that I have such proud history
for some episode of our ancestors
they were a truly fighters
they fight for freedom and glory
after 300 years in slavery

compare to a nation
that live from taking other human live
and busy lowering other nations
while in their home
people hang themselves because of frustration
dumped from so called civilization
just because they have different skin color

Thanks God,
to make me Indonesian,
a resident from a nation, a new born nation in 40's
(I used to call "artificial" nation, which is, I think its not an artificial shape anymore
when million people died to defend the idea)
which come of an idealistic dream
of unity in differences and freedom

I am,
the resident of nation that are poor
nations with thick dense of hypocrisy
and low level of decency

Those,
made me have to struggle more
to make this half way nation
a real home
for homeless souls

to deliver a genuine story
of rebirth of a great nation
that will be written
in the history

(after 2 week in commonwealth continent in the south)

Do you know that now you live with Zombie around you? Or maybe I already one?

Do you like Gossip show? Or you like to talk about someone’s bad? Or what you prejudice as bad? Hush-hush with your friends? Your eyes becomes wider, lowering your voice…that kind of style..

Gossip is when you talk about someone’s bad and it made you feel that you are better than her or him, you are kinder than him or her. Gossip made you despised him or her because with gossip, you feel that she is half human, and you feel that you are the complete one.

That’s our face now. What we consume everyday in our television screen, in our daily conversation.. Suddenly, we feel better after we talked about A who split with his wife, or C who used wrong outfit in a occasion, or D who is pervert, or the arrogant T, or The noisy M…or The Bitch C . After gossip, world suddenly better place to live, because there is bad person which are they, and there are good people such us.

That’s why, gossiping is such dangerous and destructive act. Because it deceives us. Gossip makes us feel better. And we continue to feel that way, and become blinded, continue to be blinded suddenly, we can not see inside our-self anymore. Because with gossip, we cover the light of knowing of our mistake and weakness, with such wrong perception, that we are better than someone, and finally, we feel that we are better than any people in the world.

Gossip makes you lost your honest mirror, your heart.
and continue to live without heart.

Its same with dying.

and become Zombie.

.

Sesungguhnya,

Dari segala keruwetan ini, Tuhan

Tidak ada segala sesuatu pun

Selain kita berdua

Yang lamat-lamat menyentuh hati ku

Mendera perasaanku

Kerinduan yang tak pernah aku mengerti

Tidak ada segala sesuatupun,

Selain kita berdua,

Sejak dulu

Tidak akan pernah ada kata yang cukup

untuk menuangkan ini

hanya titik air di sudut-sudut mata

mengungkapkan rinduku,

:tidak ada segala sesuatupun ternyata, Tuhan

selain kita berdua

in my tea garden,august 2007

(in a strange feeling of 12 years flashback in a meadow near Bandung)

two keys to unveil the secret of life:
grateful and patient
:)

Please forgive him God and protect him in this eternal journey..

Aamiin..

Manila, august 1,

(surya hito, 26, passed away at 3.40 am today)

Asking and knowing
the purest heart are dreaming
of little butterfly hanging
in the tapestry of living

Asking and knowing
Let the clown smiling
summer stinging
rain drizzling
and the illusionist dying
its dark secret rubbling

Oh thou,
purest of the purest heart
in the thatched house
of God
please stop here in my port
take me to the rock

and let me in

I went to "Dunia Fantasi" Indonesian Disney-like amusement park on Satuday. It was tiring, he, he, an amusement park is not so amusing anymore, especially, if you are in early 30's, overload with jobs and seems never ending loans, no regular sport, problems with cholesterol, ..etc, etc.. plus you went with three teenagers and a traumatic seven year old kid.

It was really an amusement park scenes, six of us hanging and running everywhere in the park, bringing bags full with chips, crackers, mineral water, spare clothes, towel and everything.. meanwhile, those teenagers glued to their mobile phone, and we were also busy persuading the traumatic kid to take a ride in a roller coaster or giant ferry wheel, and even the kid needed to be persuaded to get on to the merry go round.. he he..

Well, there was no insight at all until, I went to attraction, called "meteor attack". It's a virtual reality games. We sat down in a moving chair, in front of the giant screen that gave us a three dimentional effect. It was like, we are the pilot, controlling the airplane, jumping into the cliff, flying high to the sky, fighting with the alien. Our seat was moving, like seat in the jet airplane.

It was like true experience, the sound, the view, the move.… but we were not moving anywhere, actually, we were not going outside the universe, we were not jumping into the cliff, we just there, screaming, scarred, pounding, jostling, jumping in our seat, but we were not moving anywhere. We just there, in a dark room, with a giant 3-d screen..

And I’m thinking of another 3 D screen that I face everyday, outside the dark room, outside the amusement park. A 3 D screen that I’ve been facing since I was born . Im not moving anywhere. My life and heart is always there, somewhere, In the hand of the Creator. While my body and soul, is scanning His Giant screen, playing a role in His Play. His virtual reality. Our's too.

Nothing is real, John Lennon once sang.

Those cliffs of live, those peaks, sea in our life, the fall, the winning, the happiness, the sadness, the ambitions, the houses, everything will be left behind. One day, our time to leave our seat will come. We have to get outside the dark room, and meet with the Real.

I think the smartest man, in the virtual reality attraction, is he who tries to see behind the screen. A man who is trying to get the meaning in every view that is presented.

And for me, I keep hang on to the meaning, in every meaning that I find, while my seat in this dark room keep moving, pounding, jumping, …

until the time comes for me (and you) to leave.

Jazz is the most missed understood music in Indonesia. It has been perceived as music for elite, and shamelessly, some people think that seriously, and love (and hate) jazz because of their class. Expensive tickets for jazz festivals, exclusive performances of jazz group in the lounge or club, support the false understanding.

Jazz becomes another “nuveau-rich” performances, an artificial life style, like many others things here, in Indonesia.

And Jazz alienated from its roots.

In the contrary, jazz was born from the lowest class in the society. Dating back to the 18 centuries, where African was forcedly taken to southern part of US, and become a plantation worker, they need rhyme that can help them to express their distressed soul, a music that can give them a vision to their freedom and root of their homeland.

They create music from the home-tools, song lyrics as code of their secret meeting, a full indulging, soulful rhyme, music that brought them into the deepness of their ironic fates. They create a new tone for their music, .. A site describes jazz as:

"The unschooled" techniques from this music, the slurring and bending of notes, the wild falsetto cries and the like, became common features of jazz as both an instrumental and vocal music, but in far more artful ways as jazz developed sophisticated principles for its performance"

I feel jazz accelerate my brain. Like a hormone. It makes everything enjoyable. Like writing this.. unmeaningful piece..

Anyway, good night.

And, gives jazz a chance, will you?

He he..

Every soul has their own battle,

Then be the winner or looser

Never be too proud

Or too sad

Because everyone of us is a fighter

In the war that we choose

Cebu, The Philippines, January 10

It was in my 13th birthday when I hit by car near my house. It was mostly my fault. I was running, crossing the street when the car hit me. I was okay, though. The driver was a gentleman. He took me to my home and met my father, my mother, explained the situation. He was a public transport driver. I was hit by an "angkot" ( :jeepney in Philippines, tuk-tuk in Laos? You name it)

My father was angry, and so was my mother. They were very angry and they didn't (want to) hear ,completely I think, the driver explanation. I knew my parent did that, because they were very worried. They Love me.

Strangely, I didn't feel loved. I turned out that I felt sooooo awkward. First, I knew I too have fault in the accident. And second, I felt I didn't deserve such love. I was not that worth. I was not that worth to make my parent, angry to a poor driver, that possibly didn't do anything, except that he was in the wrong time and place. However, he was brave enough to meet My parent in face. It was a rare quality driver, right? (I realize that now witness crazy Jakartan driver everyday)

But, I didn't say anything, I kept silent. I didn't want to interrupt; I troubled my parent, enough. I remember, I felt uneasy. I still feel that when I wrote this.

There is something in the love of parent to their child that disturbs me. In front of their child, a parent can loose themselves. There is something --blindly-- in the way they look their blood heir. In the way they love them.

Why? What is the different between our own kid and hundreds kid in the street?
They all need love aren't they?
Blood? Is it loving our child is more to love ourselves?
To what, our love exactly?
To our blood?
Our ego?

I shouldn't write this, because I haven't got any children. And perhaps, this is one part, the Almighty don't bear me with such amusement and holly, huge responsibility. Im not very sure in this subject. I don't want to loose myself. I don't want to blind myself with love, that I, well ..feel awkward to. I feel disturbed.

I joined an organization for kids and alternative education, when I was student. I happened to have and teach a play group, for children near my house. I enjoy playing with children. I love them as God purest creature. One of Real Guru. Mirror. But, its rare for me to feel that I want the kid of my own. I feel none. Almost Neutral.

Oh, how "motherly" I am.. ha ha..

Season greetings, everyone.. happy holiday.. dan Selamat Idul Adha..

I am The Creator's "Ba"

The Grail,

So Be,
. . . .

Me


(Aamiin)

If life only to wake up early,
Works hard,
Winning,
Please the bosses,
Getting Salary hike
Return home
Back to sleep for the same thing in the next day,
not so much in meaning of life
but, what is the meaning of living?

If life only to find someone to live with
Choosing woman
Choosing man
getting married,
takes the role of human reproduction,
Have kids,
Craving dreams
for bigger house,
Bigger yards
More houses, More cars, more maids,
More jewelries,
More woman,
More man,
Ah, what is the meaning of living?

If life only to bragging yourself to your friends,
Or people around you
Hope your name eternal in the world
Proud of what you do, what you did, what you think, what you have done,
Should the world has crowned you as Messiah,
Your name linger in the people memory like Newton or Einstein
Still, what is the meaning of living?

Since you will leave everything in second,
Since your house will become dust,
Since your body will go astray,
Since the world is moving too fast and leaving your legacy behind,
Since this universe will stop expanding and shrink or explode
And back to its nothingness,

So, what is the meaning of living?
Now, today?

What is the meaning of beauty?
What is the meaning of happiness?
What is the meaning of sadness?
What is the meaning of words, thousand words that human has invented?

.........

Eternity,
Why this word is invented?

: Because humans sees too many death
And knowing, naturally, there is something opposite to death
in them,
Like the idea of knowing a pair,
Man and woman,
Black and white,
Right and left,
Body and Soul

Body will go astray,
But there is something remain
That will not go astray,
The soul

If life only this body,
What is the meaning of living, then?

But life provides other than this material reality
Life provides realities that still unknown,
Life provides the reality of soul
That is still unexplored, longing to be found
Behind the cloak of all material things that provides nothing but emptiness.
There is a meaning

I am sure now
Are you?

ps: you can joint if you want ... and it becomes a dialogue !

Imagine living in the world without clock. Your life lingers in the change of day and night. Seasons. A Loose concept of time.

And you will move in the rhyme of nature

Such as: you will say: "My kid born four season ago, " or "I will go to your place in the winter" or for tropical people, like us, we will say, "I will start to build my house in when the dry season starts, "

When you wake up in the morning, you know you are late for work, because the sun is right above your head, and your shadow is under you. Because your work starts after sunrise, when there is still no shadow.

Or you know, that this is the time for eat because you are hungry. Or sleep because you are sleepy.

....You wait for your lover in the park, when the moon reaches its fullest
and you make love in the crescent moon, one day in the autumn..
You are pregnant during winter and spring, and your baby born in summer
Your baby starts to talk when the banana in your backyard ripe..

And you will whisper her, someday in the future ..
"you were conceived in the crescent moon one day in autumn, you were born in the mid of summer and you start to talk when the banana in our backyard ripe,"

In the light of summer, she will always remember they day she was born
Everytime she eats banana she will remember the day she started to talk ..
And she might even try to make love in the autumn day, under the crescent moon..

What a live. I want to live like that.

And, Now, 11 am, I have to start to work..

ps: I am still on the ground honey..I know, we have to pay those damn bills.. he he..

Tarian itu sudah usai, sayang
Bagaimanapun kau menunggunya
Penarinya sudah pergi,
mendaki pelangi ..

Jakarta, Sept 19, 2006

We have lost even this twilight.
No one saw us this evening hand in hand
while the blue night dropped on the world.

I have seen from my window
the fiesta of sunset in the distant mountain tops.

Sometimes a piece of sun
burned like a coin in my hand.

I remembered you with my soul clenched
in that sadness of mine that you know.

Where were you then?
Who else was there?
Saying what?
Why will the whole of love come on me suddenly
when I am sad and feel you are far away?

The book fell that always closed at twilight
and my blue sweater rolled like a hurt dog at my feet.

Always, always you recede through the evenings
toward the twilight erasing statues.
..

~Pablo Neruda

"We think that life is a mess

No it is in't

There is meaning

in every second, in every step

it's a plan, it's a secret plot

nothing is coincidence"

Tokyo metro, minowa station, august 25

ps: you know the secret of Love? its Trust, after that, appears the Unity. A Divine Dance..

Why do I see the clown's smile mischievous?
You don't?

Don't u feel strange to see the wide smile always there, in their face?
Don't you see while they fool you with their sloppy, folly, slapstick actions,
tickle you to laugh out loud, their witty eyes, tinkling?

Why they keep trying to make us laugh?
Who are they, the clown?

".......The first character of clown, appears first time as a jester in the court of Pharaoh Dadkeri-Assi during Egypt's Fifth Dynasty about 2500 B.C, old. Court jesters have performed in China since 1818 B.C.

In about 300 B.C. Chinese emperor Shih Huang-Ti oversaw the building of the Great Wall of China. Thousands of laborers were killed during its construction. He planned to have the wall painted which would have resulted in thousands more dying. His jester, Yu Sze, was the only one who dared criticize his plan. Yu Sze jokingly convinced him to abandon his plan. Yu Sze is remembered today as a Chinese national hero.
One of the most famous of the European court jesters was Nasir Ed Din. One day the king glimpsed himself and a mirror, and saddened at how old he looked, started crying. The other members of the court decided they better cry as well. When the king stopped crying, everyone else stopped crying as well, except Nasir Ed Din. When the king asked Nasir why he was still crying, he replied, "Sire, you looked at yourself in the mirror but for a moment and you cried. I have to look at you all the time."…
(clawnoframerica.org)


Freedom of speech, critics, liberation in its essential meaning represented by the act of court jester. A clown. The brevity to say the truth in a very comical, delicate, down to earth- way.

In other dimension, clown also teach us to laugh. Their folly is projection of our foolishness. Their slapstick action, bolsters dramatic gesture of a comical side inside every of us. When we laugh, we laugh to ourselves, deep down in our heart, we accept ourselves, our foolishness, our weaknesses.

So be careful when you laugh, you might laugh to yourself..

Honeypie,
Today, 2000 magicians gather in Stockholm to take part in the World Championship in Magic. Tables floating shoulder high, cards sailing through the air, rabbits pulled out
of hats, Isn't that nice?

Humans bolster illusions,
While all of this, so called reality is nothing but an illusion
Illusion upon Illusion


God, the Greatest Illusionist, The Guru of Magic,
We are part of it, part of His magic parade..
We hover there like a fog, mute in this frivolity

But you know Oceanchild,
Small part of people wants to savor eternity
Questions the parade, to where it goes..

Looking back over their shoulders,
Try to see the traces left from previous lines
Disentangle illusions from illusions,
See behind mischievous smiles of the clown

Listen, a niece piece from the Beatles..(just click)


thefoolo.wav

the fool on the hill

"Day after day, alone on a hill,
The man with the foolish grin
is keeping perfectly still,

But nobody wants to know him,
They can see that he's just a fool,
And he never gives an answer,

But the fool on the hill
Sees the sun going down,
And the eyes in his head,
See the world spinning round.

Well on the way, head in a cloud,
The man of a thousand voices
talking percetly loud,

But nobody ever hears him,
Or the sound he appears to make,
And he never seems to notice,

But the fool on the hill
Sees the sun going down,
And the eyes in his head,
See the world spinning round.

And nobody seems to like him,
They can tell what he wants to do,
And he never shows his feelings,

And round, and round, and round, and round, and round...
He never listens to them,He knows that they're the fools
They don't like him,
The fool on the hill "
(taken from: Audio Files - The Beatles Music)