the-riddle

Today, is Saturday. My 6 years old son is playing with his friends in the living room, the rest of three of us: my 3 yo old  daughter is enjoying you tube episodes, Lucy '"the drama queen" channel. My husband, as usual, glues in his mobile phone and watching, reading everything that is exposed in his fb timeline.  Im trying to read a book, but i feel that i want to write.

It is a peaceful holiday where everyone can have their own happiness without necessary doing everything together. We might go to a mall at the afternoon, and let the children play.. and perhaps, me and my husband will have a cheap Ramen somewhere in the mall.

This is a holiday of a 40 years old mother,  a worker, and once a while a businessman [but i rarely touch that role again in the last couple of months] . Actually, I prefer to see myself as writer.. but to see a lot of my writing project abandon because of my work life, and its really difficult to find a time just to read books and write... i feel doubt of my life preference, now.  The creative world sometimes not really coherent with money or income..

I work as consultant in a UN institution, sounds cool, and it is cool. It gives me a new challenges,  new understanding of work scheme [ i am paid daily here, and it depends to my WORKPLAN :), and not bad, but i might ask a little more for my daily payment] I meet new people.. but now im trying to back to gain the balance, and i want to see my self as a "writer" more..not a businessman, not a consultant. but i want to write more, because simply, it is the way i breathe.

And i probably will write more in English.. because this is the way for me to say "Hi" to the world, and i think the best way to start this, is just to start writing again.

I often read in Sufi poems, that without Love, it is impossible to create the universe and the human kind. Love, they say, an important, essential, foundation for all creation. It is Love that makes any creation is possible and through Love God speaks in his Beauty to human.  It is God's Love that we see in the thousand stars in the sky,  in the depth of the sea, in any expertise and totality of humans in doing what they love, it is God's love in every noble act that we treasure.

Most of the time, we can not distinguish between love and lust. Lust relates with the physical needs, but love is not only lust. Lust can be an important part of love, but love is bigger and purposefully different with lust. As a subject, Love has its long term plan, for something big and pure. Lust, it sometimes goes randomly, whatever its all under God's plan and will.

Love is special, and it will take you to another journey. So, I will welcome you, Love, with all my heart, with its all pureness and patient. And I will ask God not to let lust cover His noble purposes putting an increased doses of love in my heart now. It's all for you God, for your Name and Eternity.

Kulepaskan hatiku,
kuletakkan pada sebuah piring kaca

Apakah Engkau melihat bilur-bilur  luka di sana?
noda hitam di mana-mana ?
Mohon usaplah dengan lembut tiap goresnya
Teteskan air pengetahuanMu yang sejuk,
Menghapus tiap keraknya

dan ambilah hatiku dalam genggamanMu yang hangat
Bawalah pergi, aku tak mau ia kembali..
sampai rongga dadaku meruang bersama Samudra

Once, someone told me 
true love is The Sun
Burn itself to lit the dark 
Give you a way of clarity 
of yourself and things around you 

And I said, 
now,

True love is brevity 
to take steps of silence 
to know your hidden beast inside 
and find the light, 
yes, 
the light inside you that will ignite 
you to shine 

once true love is in your hand
it will not go away
it will lead you to the journey within
to find  the True Love
that it is Your Self

[ a note about Love, on Sunday]

I stumbled in a friend status on ... well u can mention anything in this social media era, FB, Twitter.. he said, "living the dream" hum...
it made me thinking over my life. everything good happening to me is happened just as that. Or everything happened to me, far different than my dream, or something that i never dream off.

First, I never dream worked in a foreign media, and I did.

(my dream was working in Tempo magz, but I failed in Psi-Test, :). and I hate that. I hate Psi-Test. I think its unfair and.. blalalalal , ogh.. see? i still wanting working in the magz.. ha ha.. after more than 10 years,God.. )

the first reason why i applied to the job, because a good friend handed me the advertisement she got from a newspaper, and said: "Its good for you!" , well, i thought why not? at that time i worked in so called a night news paper, a day dreaming concept that ppl need something to read before they sleep, so we published news paper released at 8 pm, ha ha!. why i worked in such uncovincing institution?  i just need a job, any job.. anyway, i worked there, and i keep laughing inside. They pour money for something for me, ridicoulous. The editorial chief, a nice guy, keep convincing me its  a good idea. He knew, though,  that i didnt buy it.  But, they agree to pay me monthly and i need monye,  so well i have no problem, even if they wanted to publish the news paper at midnight. he he he..

Then, there, the vacancy, a japanese news agency. I didnt expect much, though. I sent two pages of my CV through fax at 1 am.  then I receive a call, for interview, then a writing test, then an interview again. .. then, from more than 300 applicants, they chose one.
Working there, created experiences that i never been expected. travel and travel and travel. I know meaning of pasport, visa, immigration, jet-lag, something beyond my comprehension. I enjoyed that, I enjoyed the traveling. I crossed different land, ppl, and cultures.  The work, well its a journalist work, what to expect? nothing new, expect off course the pressure. heaviest pressure in work i ever feel. But, it made me learn something, japanese is good as friend, but if you can, avoid to work with them, ha hahaa. I learn a lot off course. I love Japan and its ppl, it just part of me, it wont be riped off. But, Im beginning to suspect myself, if i have chanced to visit Europe, as often as i visited Japan, I might think that Europe is part of me too..

Second, I never dream to have a business. and I do, now. (plus working as an editor, which is, a bit tiring)

I always thought myself a bohemian writer. I dont do business. I never think about money or future. i dont save money, I pour money in books, books, travel, and good food.. ( this behaviour change, soon, when my boy start to enter his playgroup, and i realize the education fee is crazy here, and its the opposite with the qualty.  deep in my heart i imagined , ssst, its secret, to move to Finland, or  any other countries that give free education and deliver world best quality teaching. ..)

So, i why again become a businessman? i didnt plan that either.

In a very delicate situation, ( I worked in very difficult situation, every morning, I pray to God, please God give me new job) I applied to many companies no answer. until at that day, my birthday, i prayed in fresh, and serene morning, i said: "God, anyone who call me today (for work) it is my way, " .. Hm.. then out of the blue, and old friend call me.  He is husband of one of my best friend. asking me to join him in a writing project. and not only that, later in our meeting, he offered me to join his company, as a partner. Then I resigned. I gave up my salary, which considering not bad.  Join my friend in a writing project, then to feed the company we must looking for projects, and projects, and now, we have 8 ppl working with us.. My salary now, is not bad either, and i have the divident to, as i have almost 50% share (49,5) .. and i dont have to go to the office everyday, i can work form home.  I can see my kids grows. What can be better than that?
 the best thing is, we can give to our staffs insurance, and pension schme.. Allhamdulilah,  i see the bright future. Insya Allah.

Third, I never dream to be a Mother.
Now, i am a mother of two. actualy in 2006, or 7 i have a dream to see a boy smile at me in a sunny day, in a beach. and when my boy smile at me (now, he's 3 yr old) i know by heart, its a smile i knew 6 years before.

so do i living my dream?
no. I live beyond my dream.. Allhamdulilah..
Oh today, its February 14, ah its already 15 now,
so, i passed valentine day, was it?
humm  still its not late,
i must pondering  Love, now.
so, its a thursday night ups, not its earlyyy Friday morning
. Time to ponder about Love, this, alone, with Him, who know me well.

salaam

It is a little bit strange start to write again in an abandoned blog. 
its like entering a home, clean up the mess, enjoy the sphere, look at the old paintings, 
touch the wall, the knits in your living room, open the dusty books in the shelf..
and you enter the kitchen, looking for the tea that always calming you.. 
boiling it.. and while you wait the tea boils, you sit slowly in the corner, and
begin to write.

almost 4 years passed since i post the last writing. 
My life has changed a lot. Some are still. But many has changed.  

• i am now a mother of two, a boy and a girl..off course it changed my perspective about how a child is in front of their parent or mother (in my case), you can read my old perspective  here. But, something not change, i still have faith that it is a crime to put a child into your shoes, my shoes, i wrote that in 2008, and i still believe that, now. Hopefully, it will be forever. 

•  i am no longer a desperate worker he he..  i run a business now, with my friend. Still and may it always be relate to writing, translating, editing.. i learn a lot. i like to listen to a story, and the art to re-telling the story.. or interpreting words, anyway, i love this job.. Allhamdulilah.  However, still i have angst. running the business means that i hve rare opportunity  to write my  column.. hopefully with a bright start this year... (we are finalizing several drafts of business agreement with  hype companies), we can hire more ppl and i can have my own writing space.. aamiin.. but, i know now, the complication to choose: do you want to live in comfort while you business only have snail space or do you want your business to grow fast and giving in your comfortness for a while, let say 3- 4 years? Hm .. hm... And i beginning to see the possibility to write fiction. I know its hard for me to step into the fictional words (in the oppossite, i am a vivid readers of novels) but i sense, it would be interesting adventure: writing fiction. 

•  I am a social media activist. He he.. i find myself, happy to share picture of my kids, my writing, my temporary monkey mind, in my facebook wall. But, I know its not healthy. I hate myself becoming part of the hysteria. it is not me. Then, I decide to write again in my blog.

So, life is becoming very interesting, mates. I enjoy the episodes. 
I also experienced things that may not  be understood by some of you, even me. 
But, like a crystal put in your hand, i know and feel it real and the light touch my heart. 

*what?

hmmm.. let's say im beginning to understand.. how this "soul" business works...
well.. im not the expert, but let say, beginning to. 

anyway, i love you, readers. 
keep reading my blog, ;) 


salaam


  

I dropped by to site of a famous author tonight.

In one of his post, he questioned about meaning of happiness. Its a cliche question, I thought. This question might appear if one feel empty about whats going on around him. I sometimes question my life in the same, philosophical tone.

I was reading hundred of answers from the reader fans, when i realized, its hard to me to find my own definition. I dont feel that any of this words represent what I feel about happiness, or I experienced about happiness, or whether my happiness, is the real happiness, what is the real happiness, anyway? what is happiness?

finally, i stuck to the famous author question: what is happiness, siska? now, im questioning myself. its not cliche after all.

I feel happy if I understand, thats first.
And what my understanding about this worldly life?
its nothing. Why its nothing? because it is.
Your carrier, Your house, People you love, even you is nothing.
Its aging. Its decaying. Its fragile.
All is and will become nothing.
humans, their proud building, creations, movies, poets,
islands, sea, sky, galaxy, all is dust.
Its hardly deniable fact.

I feel happy if I share, that's second.
In the opposite, this nothingness of this worldly life, offers you a meaning
if you share your likeness, your things, your love, your understanding, to others.
you feel that there is a meaning of your existence.

So life is something, and real. Because it brings you many experiences to learn. This reality brings you means. Despite, we the material things in life nothingness existence, life is something.

Hum? human, and life... and what is lacking of this picture?

off course, the Creator.
He who creates humans, ant, bacteria, stars, planet, galaxy, who whispers you ideas, source of creativity that we witness in this universe. Source of beauty, Source of unreachable understanding, of everything that we can not think of, but we know is there. Source of energy. Source of us, and everything around us. The opposite of nothingness, He is everything. He makes the scenario, He engineers the interaction of things. The source of perfection.

SO, the only way to be happy is, to understand the nothingness, share something in this reality, following the scenario of the Creator. out of the nothingness, and join with the Creator's plan...

But the ultimate question are: what to share? How can we know the creator plan? How can we know the Creator?

i think, first, to know, and to really find out, to be constantly in the state, to be in the know, that we are nothing.. like in the state of death.

to die? yes, unfortunately, or fortunately.. to die while we life. to die before death.
how about that?

(to be continued)

ps: to die before death, title of a book contained Bawa Muhaiyadden teaching, i once, read.