the-riddle

happiness is to die (before death)

2009-12-17T09:36:00.000-08:00

I dropped by to site of a famous author tonight.

In one of his post, he questioned about meaning of happiness. Its a cliche question, I thought. This question might appear if one feel empty about whats going on around him. I sometimes question my life in the same, philosophical tone.

I was reading hundred of answers from the reader fans, when i realized, its hard to me to find my own definition. I dont feel that any of this words represent what I feel about happiness, or I experienced about happiness, or whether my happiness, is the real happiness, what is the real happiness, anyway? what is happiness?

finally, i stuck to the famous author question: what is happiness, siska? now, im questioning myself. its not cliche after all.

I feel happy if I understand, thats first.
And what my understanding about this worldly life?
its nothing. Why its nothing? because it is.
Your carrier, Your house, People you love, even you is nothing.
Its aging. Its decaying. Its fragile.
All is and will become nothing.
humans, their proud building, creations, movies, poets,
islands, sea, sky, galaxy, all is dust.
Its hardly deniable fact.

I feel happy if I share, that's second.
In the opposite, this nothingness of this worldly life, offers you a meaning
if you share your likeness, your things, your love, your understanding, to others.
you feel that there is a meaning of your existence.

So life is something, and real. Because it brings you many experiences to learn. This reality brings you means. Despite, we the material things in life nothingness existence, life is something.

Hum? human, and life... and what is lacking of this picture?

off course, the Creator.
He who creates humans, ant, bacteria, stars, planet, galaxy, who whispers you ideas, source of creativity that we witness in this universe. Source of beauty, Source of unreachable understanding, of everything that we can not think of, but we know is there. Source of energy. Source of us, and everything around us. The opposite of nothingness, He is everything. He makes the scenario, He engineers the interaction of things. The source of perfection.

SO, the only way to be happy is, to understand the nothingness, share something in this reality, following the scenario of the Creator. out of the nothingness, and join with the Creator's plan...

But the ultimate question are: what to share? How can we know the creator plan? How can we know the Creator?

i think, first, to know, and to really find out, to be constantly in the state, to be in the know, that we are nothing.. like in the state of death.

to die? yes, unfortunately, or fortunately.. to die while we life. to die before death.
how about that?

(to be continued)

ps: to die before death, title of a book contained Bawa Muhaiyadden teaching, i once, read.

to the pond

2009-10-28T23:11:00.000-07:00

Bring me close
to the pond of wisdom
to the content heart
and tranquil soul

open this eyes
show me things that lost from sight
covered by dust of mind, sins and desire

You,
Source of Light
Cleanse me with knowledge that no one knew
keys to open secret gate of my heart
to find what You want of me
my sacred vow

bring me close
to the pond of wisdom
that You owned

how to see the world without perspective

2009-10-25T10:04:00.000-07:00

my favorite question when i was a journalist .. was.." what is your perspective about.." i often intrigued to explore, one's view, their personal reference, on a subject, represented in a frame called "perspective".

The word "perspective" is sophisticated enough to make source impressed, and think that i was not ordinary journalist.. This word, "perspective" brings me to become friend withseveral names that you often read in newspaper, made me looks, somehow, smart.

The problem was, and this is secret, ... when they answered my question, and explained their "perspective" i was dragged into unknown territory. Most of them put theories in their answer. You can imagine, how can I understand diplomat excitingly explained the iraqi war with well... theories, or seismologist explained the earthquake with scientific words.. and they didnt know, that they were facing the dumbest journalist in the world..

My way to survive, was, showing a vacant expression, asking some logic that i couldnt reach (LOGIC not meaning of words, because it wasting time, and showing the "dark side" of me) and wrote in capital alphabet in my notebook words that i can't understand. In the office, Google settled my problem.

Well it was 7 months ago.

Seeing my rather comical experience from far away, i realize when i asked someone about their perspective, their answer was not their own perspective but other person perspective by quoting theories, or wise words from some wise man. One said: nothing new under the sun..
but i think total submission to one's theory showing your inability to portray world with your own eyes.

the first step to release yourself from such, unoriginal attitude, is release yourself from theories. Think outside the box. radically, there is no perspective about anything. let your eyes wide open then try to say things as it is, to see things as it is.

I know, its rather impossible. It's like challenges wheel of civilization (he he i can't belive i wrote "wheel of civilization" made me look smart, huh? ) . but who knows, what you will find. You create your own words, understanding, definition, and theories. Off course it will be influenced by how many books you read, music you listen to, but anyway, there is no" your perspective, as long as you quote theories.

eve maybe there is no perspective about anything, first.
Only you and fact in front of you. and you start digging.
somehow, i think, God like this better.

full moon

2009-08-24T11:32:00.000-07:00

how to tell the full moon, that,
you are in love with her light?

: it is not hers
it is the Sun,
always the Sun.

teaching

2009-06-17T08:10:00.000-07:00

Life teaches us to stay light like the air
Even when lightning tear off our sky
or thunder storms our silent bay
we are still nothing, nay
we are still nothing
and why bother to overly react?

life teaches us to be strong like the old tree
stay still, unshaken
she lets the children climb up her branch
dont mind if its cracked
she has given the best for each time she grows
no matter when she cut off
or die in time
she'll be ready

Life teaches us to be honest like children laugh
free, open, unaffraid..
their clarity inviting the light
made the children so curiously happy
even in the dark

Life teaches us to be down to earth...
like..
the earth
to spread out
and accept
try to be fertile
and safe

a sanctuary for the plants, for the people
for the ships, and animals
for the kinds, for the culprit

Life teaches us to seek who we are
since we are living in a beauty of rhyme
since we are involving in unexpected game
since we are challenged in unknown territories
who we are,
what is life,
why we are here?

Life teaches us to learn and find the answer

silent

2009-04-13T12:43:00.000-07:00

What can I tell of the silent?
Its just there with me in a stream of strange notes
It shows you how to see inside of things, than outside
To look closer in everything and create distance in the same time

Live is poignant misery if we see from one side
I’ve traveled around the world only to see
people like to argue than to find harmony
A one side,
Winning, competition, fame, gold, and glory..
But nothing offers me this strange notes I’ve found
Here in my place, now.

What can I tell of the silent?
When everything, past and recent, moving slowly
With no sound
Showing nothing than my beast
O! illusion, the illusion of me,

Let the silent shatter all
Teach me its nature,
to move unsound
But making stream notes,
and show me things.

Sudirman's Sun

2009-03-05T16:15:00.000-08:00

Sudirman is name of the road that i've been working in a foreign company, for more than 7 years.. or 8 years.. anyway, quite a long time.. Working in foreign company creates such a comfort zone that some people dream of. Good payment and easy, easy, easy job.

Easy because what they need mostly is your local knowledge, local wisdom, and solution. Thats why they hired you as "local staff". No matter how good you are, in front of them you just a "local staff". An indigenous that they hire to make them understand the native land.

Good thing working with foreigner was you were challenged with completely different culture and mindset, standard, ( interesting to learn.. but after several years, you feel exhausted because it always you who have to made adjustment, simply because its them who write number in your salary slip)

And it would be harder if you work with a nation who used to be isolated for thousand years, before accepting foreigners in their land. Tendency of closed mindset is obvious. You see them as a puppet in a string (works controls them) and if you smart enough you can be the puppeteer. However, a lonesome puppeteer, knowing that they see you as their reflection.

Several months ago, with all syndrome of fatigue and feel of under utilized and a good agreement on pension compensation (he he, thats' important, guys), I decided to quit.

Reason? well, anything.. took a master degree, resting..

The decision is so relieving, more than i realize, and i got pregnant.. a month after. Wow. and it seems a successful one.. (hopefully.. please God).. Now, im entering the last month working here.

Well, im gonna miss this office a litlle bit. Especially, financial assuredness every month. But, one must make decision, take a step ahead (maybe not comforting for a while)... and im sure, a great adventure, happier life and bright future waiting ahead. Like morning sun I very much enjoy this morning in Sudirman.

Allhamdulilah.

conqueror of the ocean

2008-11-27T02:13:00.000-08:00

This morning, i read in a book poetical quotes of Cheng Ho,
placed at the temple at the mouth of the Min River on the Fujian coat, China.
It said:

“We have traversed more than 100,000 li
of immense water spaces,
have beheld in the ocean huge waves
like mountains rising sky-high.

We have set eyes on barbarian regions far away,
hidden in a blue transparency of light vapours,
while our sails, loftily unfurled like clouds,

Day and night continues their course,
rapid like that of a star,
traversing those savage waves,"

I feel that, each of us are sailing our own ship everyday, in the ocean of life.
We have beheld in the "ocean huge waves, like mountains rising sky high" , and we continue to sail, no matter what,
hope, our ship continue to cleave trough the ocean, "rapid like that of a star,"

I wish all of us have all the spirit, courage, wisdom, we need..
to conquer the ocean
and together reach island of eternity
the land for the brave..

aamiin

ps: for my brave Comerades. salute. teach me how to sail.

Today Is No Sunday

2008-11-24T20:03:00.000-08:00

music by white shoes and couples company
song and lyrics:Aprillia Aprasari

Its rainy season and the grey clouds
complete the theme
the rusty fence, the noisy thunder
creepy storm and the falling trees

Television, tea and coffee
all the books are getting dusty

If there is a way i will catch up for you
visit the spring

Where the ices are melting
and the new plants are growing
flower is blooming
and lovers are kissing

life choice affair

2008-11-24T18:56:00.001-08:00

In an interview, Dylan Thomas said poetry is statement made on the way to the grave. These words cut my heart in pieces.

Thomas definition of poetry explains things like: anything that is too beautiful, so beautiful, makes you cry?

What is the right word for this? melancholy? right. melancholy.

Melancholy is always in tune with introvert, something closed and hidden. Its just painful and full with desperation.

Meanwhile, in another interview, John Lennon said: usually something real, is simple, and everything that is simple, is true.

I think there is always two perspectives in life that we can choose: Thomas or Lennon perspective.

What will you choose, dwelling in desperation, endless pain or unrevealed passion like Thomas or break the mundane life in such honest, rock and roll tune, like Lennon?

Anything, it always depend on each of us, how to see life.
I choose anything that makes my soul free.

well.. maybe.. a taste of John Lennon simplicity make things better.
A little bit. :))

megatruh

2008-11-24T18:54:00.000-08:00

(kutipan satu sampai tiga)

Hawya pegat ngudiya ronging budyayu, Margane suka basuki,
Dimen luwar kang kinayun, Kalis ing panggawe sisip,Ingkang taberi prihatos.

Ulatna kang nganti bisane kepangguh, Galedehan kang sayekti,
Talitinen awya kleru, Larasen sajroning ati, Tumanggap dimen tumanggon.

Pamanggone aneng pangesthi rahayu, Angayomi ing tyas wening,
Eninging ati kang suwung, Nanging sejatining isi, Isine cipta sayektos.

(Serat Sabdojati, Ranggawarsita)

artinya:

megatruh (memutus ruh)

Janganlah berhenti, selalu berusaha berbuat kebajikan, agar mendapat kegembiraan, keselamatan serta tercapai segala cita-cita, terhindar dari perbuatan yang bukan-bukan, caranya haruslah gemar prihatin.

Dalam hidup keprihatinan ini pandanglah dengan seksama segala sesuatu sebagaimana adanya. Telitilah jangan sampai salah, endapkan didalam hati, agar mampu menangkap dan menempatkan.

Cara menempatkannya adalah dengan menyelaraskan dengan keindahan, melindungi di dalam kejernihan hati. Kejernihan hati yang kosong, namun sebenarnya berisi.
Isinya adalah cipta yang sejati.

diambil dari website:
http://ahmadsamantho.wordpress.com/2008/07/29/sarah-serat-sabdo-jati-ronggo-warsito/

the third eye

2008-11-24T18:51:00.001-08:00

concept of third eye, its known in the west and east. Means the eye of wisdom.

I remember dialog in a movie, where an Indian girl asked by American-guy, why she needs to put the red spot between her eyebrows, and she said "Its the third eye, we need that. Sometimes, these two eyes not enough for us,"

In Hinduism and Buddhism, the third eye is a symbol of enlightenment. In the Indian tradition, it is referred to the the eye of knowledge, which is the seat of the "teacher inside". The "teacher inside" in one of Islamic sufism teaching, known as, Ruhul Quds, or "Holly spirit " that every human born with. "Light upon the light" as it mentioned in the Qur'an surrah An-nur: 35.

For me, having the third eye, does not mean you can see the future, or see beyond physical realities. Some people might be given talent or gift to have that. But, having the third eye, means that you can deliver wisdom, or at least you try to deliver wisdom, to face reality of mundane.

In western science, the third eye, is common known in the neuro-psychology, as spot in the brain, called the pineal gland. A senior psychologist I know, said the the neoro-psycho scientist suspects the pineal gland as "the bridge" between soul and human body. Active pineal gland found in the brain of indigo child. Some Scentist in the west call pineal gland as the third eye.

Soul, a completely different entity from human physical bodies who can understand things beyond reality, and deliver the wisdom. Soul an eternal variable in us, human. The delicate one inside us who is longing for the truth. The substance. Entity who connects human with the Beyond. God.

In my understanding, and knowing of my limit as ordinary human, without extra abilities to see beyond realities or future, having the third eye, is the ability to transcend from routine live and problems, sees all from high above, and finding the substance in each reality, deliver the wisdom and act accordingly.

The ability to transcend famous in Sufism method as "to die". it means "to die" from everything that forming us now such as job, friends, family, books, music, etc. for me, "To die" does not mean we leave everything behind, or drawing the lines, but 'to die" means to detach all the things that- we think- is us. To die from classifications. to die from ownership. to die from definition. to die from the self.

To die of every "my" we know :))..
My job, My family, My parents, My computer, My handphone, My Car..
everything that we think, define us.

Its a way o f thinking "out of the box", boxes, literally.
Out from the job box, family box, friends box, conflict with boss in the office box.
Out, out, out from those reality that we know temporary. and not real.
to let the soul transcends and looking back to see everything in distance,
find the substances, with the eye of wisdom.

The third eye.

May God continue to show us the way.

summer dance

2008-11-20T22:26:00.000-08:00

I wait you in the rainbow
let alone the jealous sky
thousand stars are wailing
shoving clouds
taming the wind

Lets play
down to sea,
dive to the bottom of the ocean

fly into the air,
touch the butterfly wings
hop to the trees
pick the mocking bird nest

Oh,
this beauty,
let it be no words
let it be nothing
but us

ps: thanks kikujiro, you make me write again !...

Tombo Ati

2008-11-05T21:57:00.000-08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wX66z76GDVM

by: opick

Tombo ati iku limo perkorone
Kaping pisan moco Qur’an lan maknane
Kaping pindo sholat wengi lakonono
Kaping telu wong kang sholeh kumpulono
Kaping papat kudu weteng ingkang luwe
Kaping limo dzikir wengi ingkang suwe

Salah sawijine sopo iso ngelakoni
Mugi-mugi Gusti Allah nyembadani

Obat Hati ada lima perkaranya
Yang pertama baca Qur’an dan maknanya
Yang kedua sholat malam dirikanlah
Yang ketiga berkumpullah dengan orang sholeh
Yang keempat perbanyaklah berpuasa
Yang kelima dzikir malam perbanyaklah

Salah satunya siapa bisa menjalani
Moga-moga Gusti Allah mencukupi

Jealousy, what is that actually?

2008-11-04T03:45:00.000-08:00

A site tells jealousy typically refers to the negative or angry thoughts, feelings, and behaviors of insecurity, fear, and anxiety that occur when a person believes a valued relationship is being threatened by a rival, or when another person is perceived to have some type of advantage.

Jealousy often contains a mixture of emotions such as anger, sadness, disgust, which are focused by passion or anger. Parrott makes use of the cause of jealousy to define it: “jealousy is an emotion experienced when a person is threatened by the loss of an important relation with another person”

So basically, jealousy concerns something one has and is afraid of losing.
Jealousy is Fear.

Ok, then the question is, is there something that we really have?
we really own?
we dont even have our life
we dont even have our breath..

We are nothing, and have nothing.
and, so joker said: why we are so serious?

and I wrote a letter to a friend today, saying that, besides those ideals, we are pathetically just a modern, post modern human. We are what we read, we are the music that we listen too, we just a code of history ...

and we will leave everything, the form of -me-, soon.
the beautiful -me-,
the grand house of -me-,
proud children of -me-,
lover of -me-,
soon, soon...

And what we will bring when we meet God,
when our heart only full with flame of jealousy?

Dont let the flame burn garden of your heart
blurry your wisdom,
barring your vision,
and destroy your soul.

Salaam :))

Great monologue

2008-11-02T06:48:00.000-08:00

O Me! O life !

of the questions of these recurring;

Of the endless trains of the faithless—of cities fill’d with the foolish;

Of myself forever reproaching myself, (for who more foolish than I, and who  more faithless?)

Of eyes that vainly crave the light—of the objects mean—of the struggle ever renew’d;

Of the poor results of all—of the plodding and sordid crowds I see around me;

Of the empty and useless years of the rest—with the rest me intertwined;

The question, O me! so sad, recurring—What good amid these, O me, O life?



                                                     Answer.



That you are here—that life exists, and identity;

That the powerful play goes on, and you will contribute a verse.

- Walt Whitman

a love poet

2008-10-28T07:27:00.000-07:00

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly without complexities abide.
I love you because I know no other way than this.
So close that your hand, on my chest, is my hand.
So close, that when you close your eyes, I fall asleep.

*Walt Whitman*

Gitanjali

2008-10-11T07:59:00.000-07:00

Beautiful quotes from Gitanjali, written by Rabindrannath Tagore:

I THOUGHT that my voyage had come to its end at the last limit of my power, that the path before me was closed, that provisions were exhausted and the time come to take shelter in a silent obscurity. But I find that thy will knows no end in me. And when old words die out on the tongue, new melodies break forth from the heart; and where the old tracks are lost, new country is revealed with its wonders.

ON the seashore of endless worlds children meet. The infinite sky is motionless overhead and the restless water is boisterous. On the seashore of endless worlds the children meet with shouts and dances. They build their houses with sand and they play with empty shells. With withered leaves they weave their boats and smilingly float them on the vast deep. Children have their play on the seashore of worlds.

They know not how to swim, they know not how to cast nets. Pearl fishers dive for pearls, merchants sail in their ships, while children gather pebbles and scatter them again. They seek not for hidden treasures, they know not how to cast nets. The sea surges up with laughter and pale gleams the smile of the sea beach. Death-dealing waves sing meaningless ballads to the children, even like a mother while rocking her baby's cradle. The sea plays with children and pale gleams the smile of the sea beach.

In the seashore of endless worlds children meet. Tempest roams in the pathless sky, ships get wrecked in the trackless water, death is abroad and children play. On the seashore of endless worlds is the great meeting of children .

THE sleep that flits on baby's eyes does anybody know from where it comes? Yes, there is a rumour that it has its dwelling where, in the fairy village among shadows of the forest dimly lit with glowworms, there hang two timid buds of enchantment. From there it comes to kiss baby's eyes.

The smile that flickers on baby's lips when he sleeps does anybody know where it was born? Yes, there is a rumour that a young pale beam of a crescent moon touched the edge of a vanishing autumn cloud, and there the smile was first born in the dream of a dew-washed morning, the smile that flickers on baby's lips when he sleeps.

The sweet, soft freshness that blooms on baby's limbs does anybody know where it was hidden so long? Yes, when the mother was a young girl it lay pervading her heart in tender and silent mystery of love, the sweet, soft freshness that has bloomed on baby's limbs.

WHEN I bring to you coloured toys, my child, I understand why there is such a play of colours on clouds, on water, and why flowers are painted in tints when I give coloured toys to you, my child.

When I sing to make you dance I truly know why there is music in leaves, and why waves send their chorus of voices to the heart of the listening earth when I sing to make you dance.

When I bring sweet things to your greedy hands I know why there is honey in the cup of the flower and why fruits are secretly filled with sweet juice when I bring sweet things to your greedy hands.I was tired and sleeping on my idle bed and imagining all work had ceased.

In the morning I woke up and found my garden full with wonders of flowers.

EVER in my life have I sought thee with my songs. It was they who led me from door to door, and with them have I felt about me, searching and touching my world.It was my songs that taught me all the lessons I ever learnt; they showed me secret paths, they brought before my sight many a star on the horizon of my heart.

secret garden

2008-10-07T05:19:00.000-07:00

come to my secret garden..
where i put flowers right there
you can take it

come to my secret garden
where rose and lilies
just sparkling their beauty

you can take it
ill be happy.
take everything out, and ill be happy.

just come
and come again..
take everything you want

or you want to try the carousels
or merry go round?
play in the fountain?
you like the sounds of water..
are you not?

this is for free
for free..

come to my secret garden
where you can take a rest a little while
where love becomes the only word we speak
when there is no need to unveil the secret
because we already there

where there is no worry,
no jealousy
no miss understanding
no sadness
no separation
no ego
nothing.

i give myself.

ps: based on a conversation with one of "The secret guard" and... Sundari Soekotjo's karaoke's song and some fruits in the table. Thanks for the lesson. Allhamdulilah. its always mythical.. :))

it is singing

2008-09-18T22:08:00.000-07:00

light drop
on my lap
makes me understand
language without words
love, happiness, acceptance,
unity, blue sky, ocean
universe..
moon, stars, sun
there, there, there, there!
in my heart
it is singing,
my heart is singing

please forgive me..
will you accept my love?

Nuansa bening

2008-09-12T19:34:00.001-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pcgszp2I1f4

Vocal and lyrics: Keenan Nasution
Cover version: Lucky Idol

oh, tiada yang hebat dan mempesona
ketika kau lewat di hadapanku
biasa saja

waktu perkenalan terjalin sudah
ada yang menarik pancaran diri
terus mengganggu

mendengar cerita sehari-hari
yang wajar tapi tetap mengasyikkan
oh, tiada kejutan pesona diri
pertama kujabat jemari tanganmu
biasa saja

masa perkenalan lewatlah sudah
ada yang menarik bayang-bayangmu
tak mau pergi

dirimu nuansa-nuansa ilham
hamparan laut tiada bertepi

kini terasa sungguh
semakin engkau jauh
semakin terasa dekat

akan ku kembangkan
kasih yang kau tanam
di dalam hatiku
menatap nuansa-nuansa bening
tulusnya doa bercinta

ps: September 1995 is our first letter's date.
Remember those letters?
it has been 13 years, Ndut..
and we're still continue the journey..
Funny, how sometimes mind plays trick on us..
thanks for being here with me, no matter what
Allhamdulilah.

Story of a day

2008-09-12T18:22:00.000-07:00

Allhamdulilah.
Sunlight comes trough the window
warming my back, my chair, my desk, my PC
what is better than morning light?

Allhamdulilah.
Sun comes down,
the dim light carves the horizon
red, purple,orange and pink
Its fading.. rubbing my eyes

Alhamdulilah
night comes
Moon reflects the Sun
stars scatters like humans
David Star the brightest
Nur Muhammad
the first, and the end

Allhamdulilah
The earth, the sun,
the moon, the galaxy,
the universe

in where the stars falling
stone crashing
nebula hollowing

in where the new star born
old star frozen and fade away

all of us, the creatures
rotating, moving,
expanding, shrinking
beating,
in every bit of time
In every bit of time
In every bit of time

Allhamdulilah

new soul

2008-09-02T02:02:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-YUxbDEPFiM

New soul
by Yael Naim, Yael is a French-Jewish singer.

I'm a new soul
I came to this strange world
Hoping I could learn a bit bout how to give and take
But since I came here, felt the joy and the fear
Finding myself making every possible mistake

La, la, la, la (21x)
La, la, la, la (21x)

See I'm a young soul in this very strange world
Hoping I could learn a bit bout what is true and fake
But why all this hate? try to communicate
Finding trust and love is not always easy to make

La, la, la, la (21x)
La, la, la, la (21x)

This is a happy end
Cause you don't understand
Everything you have done
Why's everything so wrong

This is a happy end
Come and give me your hand
I'll take you far away

I'm a new soul
I came to this strange world
Hoping I could learn a bit bout how to give and take
But since I came here, felt the joy and the fear
Finding myself making every possible mistake

New Soul... (la, la, la, la,...)
In this very strange world...
Every possible mistake
Possible mistake
Every possible mistake
Mistakes, mistakes, mistakes...

My way

2008-08-29T06:21:00.000-07:00

In all the big questions,
answered and unanswered
the thirst and hunger,
we forgot that we can Feel

Love is feeling
that is real,
Love is answer
of the prayer

Love is the one that you find
in every fortune and happiness
Love also an empty space
after tears
after anger
and confusion
A gate
and way out

Love
is sunshine..
apple of my eyes
breeze in my soul
wherever it stays in my heart

Welcome Ramadhan..
Let's fall in love..

only eternity

2008-08-22T01:52:00.001-07:00

Sst..
stop talking..
can we just stop the talk
and enjoy this beauty
let time leave us

without past
without future
without definition
without word

Stay still
let it touch you
feel ..
deep down
endless well of the soul
feel..

: picture by vincent van gogh (1890)

a fine wednesday afternoon

2008-08-13T03:25:00.000-07:00

Nothing special today, except I realize more that life is a short contemporary artificial rhyme and rhythm. A passage. A special one, because I'm still in it now in the gigantic maze of mystery.

I still see human's life as a satire, a performance of an amnesia, in desperate attempt to unveil the cloak of meaning. hungry of light. meaning. Why we are here?

Even the angel asked God's in the moment of creation, the qur'an says:

When God said to the angel"I am going to place in the earth a khalif, they said: What! wilt Thou place in it such as shall make mischief in it and shed blood, and we celebrate Thy praise and extol Thy holiness? He said: Surely I know what you do not know" ( 2: 30)

Some, maybe hundreds, of man and woman bring the message of the One's and Only Creator, and basically say "this world is worth to live in, live and do good deeds to have heaven waiting for you.. ".

Then, we hear story of how our ancestors, Human, who is sure enough to bear the mandate that is rejected by the heavens and earth and mountain .. to be a Khalif.., to extend God's dimension, to be His representative in this Universe.

Our ancestors, the oldies, they have too much confident, aren't they? :), I wouldn't say arrogance.. But even the qur'an says:

Surely We offered the trust to the heavens and the earth and the mountains, but they refused to be unfaithful to it and feared from it, and man has turned unfaithful to it; surely he is unjust, ignorant; (33: 72)

its relieving to know that God's confirms my opinion.. pheew.. ..

But trough Muhammad the messenger, God's also ask us to ponder a riddle, He said:
""I was a hidden treasure and I loved to be known, so I created"

Looks like there is something special between Man and God, where He created this universe for man just to know Him.

But, we are, okay, me just a silly clown diving the material realm, buried my heart over the hedge, and forget everything..

Suddenly, I am here. With seem unbearable task, finding the Hidden treasure.

but, maybe its not unbearable at all because God says, :

"And when My servants ask you concerning Me, then surely I am very near; I answer the prayer of the suppliant when he calls on Me..." (2: 183)

Ring a bell? an empty paper of Dragon teaching ? No secret recipe at All? Kara? Giving in? Berserah Diri?

Believe. just Jump. and God is near..

Believe. and I will find You?

Im still pondering the riddle...

What a fine afternoon today

baptized

2008-07-28T05:02:00.000-07:00

today i am baptized. My holly name is: " stupid anti smoking campaigner". Thanks to my friend -- a stubborn chained smoker (proudly, shamelessly, self admitted) -- who has bestowed me with such an honor.

I am, I am an anti smoking campaigner. I said no if someone want to smoke beside me, well with some exception: my sources in job, my boss, and someone that I really, really respect. it is just mechanism of survive :)).

But beside that. I say "NO" to smoking. Even marijuana, its better than smoke. its healthier. Well, i don't talk about the hallucinogenic effect of marijuana. I basically not agree with any form of artificial effect to make you "fly".. human has the capacity to go to "the sky" without those kinds of outside "stimulator".. trust me.

But smoke is different. It is generated by industrialist as way of life or part of the trend. Since 16 centuries cigarettes declared as addictive materials. Cigarettes becomes booming in United States since the advertising of a famous brand cigarettes showing a cowboy in the hill in 1967. But ironically, the Marlboro man, star of the add, died of lung cancer in 1997, after he appeared in the share holder meeting inside the company to consider the harmful effect of smoking. They said that they are not responsible with his health condition.

Anyway, I will not preach you about smoking. you can easily can Google it out, or just looking at the people around you. I witness its wicked effect. People that I loved passed away, partly because of cigarette. Don't tell me the statistic. I saw the x-ray. I saw the effect . I saw them dying.

so, stop smoking now, think about people you love.

today

2008-07-23T21:44:00.000-07:00

There is a quote from a movie that becomes favorite for me and my husband nowadays:

"Yesterday is history, tomorrow is mystery, and today is a gift. that's why we call it present" (Oogway, Kung Fu Panda, 2008)

Sometimes, we are circled by our worries of the future, or something near future. Something that we don't even know the substances . Do we know the substance of what we hope for? Substance of our aspiration? Substance of what we want?

Meanwhile, when we are worries about the future, timid, doubtful, unrest, a hell in deed... we forget to enjoy what presented in front of us today. A warm hug, a nice smile, a cool breeze in the morning, a nice breakfast.. , a heaven.

Budha says, heaven and hell is now, not later.

Allhamdulilah..
Astaghfirullah...

May this is the only pray I know..

i' ve been tagged and tagging back..

2008-07-21T19:59:00.000-07:00

Ive been tagged. This is second time. Okay, my 7 things...

7 Things

1. Lately, I sleep a lot and come late to the office.
2. If I like a song, I play that many times (thanks to mp3), and made people around me sick.
3. I abhor dishonesty, I trust in friendship.
4. Im a foolish altruist.
5. I believe if I wash my hair a lot, I will catch a cold.
6. I play only two songs in piano, Fur Elise and Romance D'amour
7. I like Beatles

The Rules:

1. Link to your tagger and post these rules on your blog.
2. Share 7 facts about yourself on your blog, some random, some weird.
3. Tag 7 people at the end of your post by leaving their names as well as links to their blogs.
4. Let them know they are tagged by leaving a comment on their blog

people i tagged:

how i remember you

2008-07-16T03:15:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UjbM9rrrgFM

If it's true from the start
That the names of those we love
Are written in our hearts
And we'll search 'till we find
In this jungle of Confusion
Something that reminds us

How we love each other
Then I think I've found the clue
Because I certain I remember you
Through my window I see
How the seasons change like notes
Within some harmony
But the love in our eyes
Is an endless summer
Is a joy that magnifies
Each time we touch each other
And it feels like Deja Vu
As my heart reveals
How I remember you
Day after day I'm amazed
How our love intensifies
In every way it resembles forever
Abandons us never

Like the sunlight that shines
Like the fragrance of the rose
No single word defines
We are tuned to the sound
That displays creation
That our lives revolve around
And searching for each other

From a million hearts we choose
You remember me and I remember you
A chorus of sparrows in summer
Is how I remember you
The fire of maples in autumn
Is how I remember you
The silence of snowfall in winter
Is how I remember you

ps: a michael frank song.. beautiful poet is it? like us, our story.. :)).. miss you all..maming, mamah, papah, mas miko, mbak vie, viko, mas anton, dede, oliver...

What is in a name?

2008-07-13T22:43:00.001-07:00

"What is in a name? that, which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet" (Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet)

I find that people are seriously struggling to find name for their child, and the struggle ends up with the child having a long, flowery names, that symbolizes their parents hope, dream, vision..or their great –great grand parent heritage, I might be one of the parent, I might stamp my children in the head with my hope, and my dream. But, since I haven't had children yet, gives me time to think, and reflect about this subject.

How about the child? Let say, --the subject of hope and dream of their parent— they don't like the name? And one day, in their life, as an ordinary human being, they made mistake that betray the name? Does name have function to remind him, the child? Or name became a bar, a prison that made one soul feel not free becoming their self?

I think it will be interesting, maybe, in the certain age, the child can choose their own name. We have to deal with some law consequences.. but, giving them a taste of freedom and responsibility would be .. quite challenging isn't it? J

Just a thought.

Ps: I feel want to share meaning of my name, in ancient English, it means bird chirping, and in Rumania means a cone head ( I think partly true, when I was a baby, my head like an ice cream cone, he he). It also name of a town in Slovenia, that based her name in a name of a church there.

Love

2008-07-07T21:28:00.000-07:00

I once asked what love is,
Is it a moment where i find myself
clearly,
and fall in love with my own reflection
in the significant other?

Or

When i just simply enjoy the beauty
of everything that presented in front of me
a wide ranges of beauty
in all creatures, all moment, in silent

Love is feeling, according to John Lennon
Feeling love
Love is real, he says

Love is heart, according to .. me
Love is Light
warming
and fulfilling

May all of you enjoy love in your life
and find your true love once and for all

the wedding

2008-07-05T18:46:00.000-07:00

I classify people at the wedding reception.
There are seven types of people that often appear at the wedding, no matter where the wedding is. An expensive wedding, cheap wedding, a garden party, in hype hotels, or in a public street... where you need to put a blockade sign to prevent car or motorcycle passing through, (hei, its common here.. speaking about public right violation.. :)), here, neighbour is part family, or part enemy depending on your mood, ha, ha)

Okay let's start with..

1. The busiest and the "bossiest"

The first and foremost type in this people is the way they walk. Always full speed. And their face is always tense. They ussualy carry a handy-talky, or a mobile phone, or an ear phone that hanging in their ears. They walking back and forth, urge people in the uniform (a wedding committee uniform, you see them with dress in the same style and color, or using a pin in the same place, the same hairstyle..like a groups of flock in the lake) to do A and B.

The busiest and the bossiest are rarely smile.

And dont try to make a joke in front of them, what you get is only the cold, indifference smile. Usually, this type has blood tie with the groom or bride.. and they have to responsible every single thing in the event. From the pin to attach the bride cloth, where they put the ring, until.. how to save the couple from an old friend that keep talking and makes hundreds guess queue..

2. The uncontrolled kids

These people are easy to recognize.. cute, and small.. and manipulative, he he. They want more ice cream, want to be in every picture, look under the bride wedding gown, or sometimes pose as doll in the laps of the groom. they run and scream, dance, and sing, free as a bird, in someone else merry. But without them, i think its not real wedding party.

3. The "don't know what to do" people

You see them standing awkwardly in the middle of the crowd, most of them are in the uniform, but not enough confident to show that they are responsible.. hesitate to join the food festive, their eyes gaze confusingly and wait for the order... usually their uniform, is too big, or too short but they have to wear it anyway.. these are the "dont know what to do" people. Ussualy a far relative, or closed friends.. they have the previlege to use the uniform, but there is no spesific duty for them.. so they just keep hoping someone told them to do something.. and they can escape from embarrassing confusion.

4. The Photographer
They have most of the authority. They can ask a minister or president to follow their order. They keep their eye for every single thing that they can freeze. A sour smile, a children cry, a jealous eye, everything. The wedding photographer is the real power holder in every wedding.

5. The food hunter or food taster
They are the happiest face in the wedding. Shaking hand the wedding couple is in the last list. Some of them even dont know the wedding couple. Their eyes always trying to find a new target in the table. Always going around, and around.. with mouth full...

6. The catharsis
You can see this people.. singing with pitch voice, or dancing in a very strange gesture.. they laugh a lot and loudly.. they seem the happiest, yet they are the saddest. they only try to find a place to escape their sorrow..

The last but not least is:

7. the "w" couple

Yah, you know them. They have the most conspicuous outfit among all, and most of them having too much make up. if you curious to see normal man using lipstick.. there. I rarely see groom look nice in the wedding. They seem alienated. But, the bride.. well, they should be the most beautiful of all... but, wait until they see another woman fetch attention of their newly husband.. hum, they changed became tiger. I think most of the groom doesnt like the costume. Its like join a carnival, but you are the center. Its like being a phony King and Queen.. its not cool at all.

and the most interesting question is: What is in the mind of the couple? What do they think about giving their life to the other, after this party over. After all those people gone, what will they do?

quote in unknown email

2008-06-27T01:35:00.000-07:00

i open an email today, its not for me, but from a conversation in a mailing list that I rarely open.
i dont know the sender, or people in the conversation,
But there is interesting quotes, that well, not really perfect in sound..
but not bad. It says:

" In life, you will realize that the people you meet have a purpose. Some were put there to test you, some would use you, some would teach you and some would bring out the better, if not the best in you. Some may even cause you pain and heartache, but one must learn to move on. So pray for the people who can not treat you right, and Thank God for those who love you back and see your worth. In the end, it between You and God. And not you and them, "

A bit defensive :)), but still interesting.

In the end it between you and God.
Between me and God.
Between me and You, God..
its always two of Us..
isn't that beautiful?

Theru's song (Teruu no Uta)

2008-06-25T01:29:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wpjuBvtYUb0

Twilight on the clouds
a hawk is flying
always alone.
He must be sad.
In the wind without no sounds
he cannot rest
his wings clutching the air.

What can I compare my heart to,
my heart is like he´s.
What can I compare my heart to,
My sadness is wheeling in the sky

At a rock shadow in drizzling rain
a flower is small in bloom.
She must be painful.
In the rain with dim colour
she has no one caressed her pink faint petal.

What can I compare my heart to,
My heart is like she's.
What can I compare my heart to,
I feel painful like as being exposed to the rain.

On a path through an almost empty field
Im walking with the hawk
He must feel lonely too.

On the grass where the insects chirp
you and I walking together.
But you hardly talk.

What can I compare my heart to, this heart that is going alone.
What can I compare my heart to, What can I compare this loneliness to..

Soundtrack of: Tales from the earthsea/Gedo Senki (Japan animee) by Ghibli Studio
English translation put in the website http://www.ghibli.jp/ged/

my story:

Behind the song, its a japan animee movie called "Tales of the earthsea" (gedo senki),
its a movie about the fighting between the warrior of truth with the evil and the wickedness.

The sad song potrays the loneliness of the warrior's heart following his destiny as a knight.
Only he and his heart, walking along the path that bring him to meet another enemy.
The path where no one around to praise him. The silent path.

I think this song is a song of every of us who is longing to be in the shade of truth.
Every of us, walking in the silent path, fighting with our own evil and wickedness
the fighting where no one around, where, only you and your heart do the fighting
in the heaviest battle of life, the battle against yourself.

May God is the only friend in our battle..
and May He who wait for us in the end of this silent path..
Aamiin..

meanwhile, please enjoy the song..
its for us, the lonely heart..

The ballad of my wallet (my thinking of being saint)

2008-06-22T23:55:00.000-07:00

today, when i tell almost everybody in my inner circle that I lost my wallet.. the general expression is: "Ah, finally !" it is very much common for them to shout something close to .. acceptance and understanding, sometimes sounds forgiving, when it comes to my things and lost. A something that they are sure it can not be changed anymore, something like a faith.

Anyway I (finally) lost my wallet on Saturday night, complete with Rp. 2000 -, a credit card, several banks atm cards, a brand new citizen ID (yup. here, in Indonesia we are just number, you don't have number, you are wiped out from the civilization :)), pictures of my beloved nephews, picture me and my husband (the h) when we were young, beautiful and free :)) and ah.. this is the saddest part.. 5 tickets of "kungfu panda" that me, h, and nephews plan to watch that night. Me for the second time and first time for the nephews..

We are there in a crowded amusement park in a mall on west Jakarta, walking back and forth to buy more and more tickets (they said Token, for ticket, there), balloons, ice creams, holding balloon in one hand, and unfinished glasses (glasses!!, imagine..) of drink in another. Not forget using camera phone to take memorable pictures of my 2 years old nephew ride his carousel for the first time, taking the flying ship for the first time, and anything for the first time, for him everything is magic. For us the adults, everything is for their smile and laugh.

Until I realize, five minutes after I find out that I running out cash in my wallet to buy more ticket, its gone. My wallet is gone. i can not find it anymore, in my bags, in the seats, in the floor. Just gone. Well I dont react much.. I mean, well, there is a time for everything, right? Loosing something its not as hard as loosing someone, dont you think so? you just make a phone call to make sure everything blocked, go to nearest police post, filing report, you can have everything back, just like before. You can buy the same wallet if you want. (and also this is secret, I don't have much money)

If there is a lesson learn in this moment, beside my clumsiness which is already my middle name, I know it is moral message to myself: my thinking of me, being saint. What? ?..

Hum, Ok, this is my revelation.. :))

I almost lost my wallet for several times (this explain you the "Ah finally!" words, right?).. i remember two quite dramatic events (not including uncounted incidents where i left it in my home or in office desk)

first i left it in a cafe in my office building, I remember that after several hours. I Bid my luck, call up the security, trailing them trough the phone to walk to the cafe, searching and thanks God, its back to me. (This story is not THAT happy, i mean... I find out that I lost my wallet, in the middle of dinner with H in a quite fancy restaurant. Can you imagine your date spent all time glued in her mobile, talked begingly to someone else, in the middle of dim light, roses and steak?)

Secondly I drop my wallet in a street, it plungs to a streetwhole full with rain water.. I dont realize until some 10 - 15 minutes, then ask my car to stop and walk stoic-ly (stoic because im sure where i drop it) almost 300 meters back, crossing the roads, walked pass the ojek groups and everything, and there. someone in the stores nearby find it, keep it, and handed to me, when I arrive there. It's surely magic in this poor country, right? you drop your wallet in the street, and someone take it and give it back to you? its almost a miracle!

In the way home, after the second incident, I start to think oh.. Why God is so kind to me? And i start to remember what I have done.. ah, i am eligible enough for His help i guess, im good enough.. I might be a saint.. Oh God. Its not surprising me.. I am good. i have done many things...

He he..

Thanks God, Allhamdulilah, finally I lost my wallet. I am not saint.
and I still have that C hanging in my middle name. The clumsiest of all..

mas miko

2008-06-12T03:31:00.000-07:00

Widyatmiko nugroho
may, 12 1969 - may, 18 2008
Coolest brother, always smell good,
a blues guitar player
Most loving,
caring, honest,
sincere man
please embrace him
with Your Love..
Aamiin..

ps: and please protect and love his son and wife too

my classic ship

2008-06-08T05:50:00.000-07:00

I sail to the sun
shaving the morning mist
feel the wave on the ocean bliss

"show me the north!"
the carving compass
stay still,
glued in the hull

I, a hideous giant in hiding
captain in my classic ship
stand up on the deck
against the sun light
hoping its burning me right

Golden ray of sun
resplendent in the peaceful ocean
captivating me
in the joy of sunrise

Golden ray of sun
let me feel the warmest
of your touch
here in my park
here in my lake
here, in me

mon cherry

2008-05-29T01:20:00.000-07:00

If I can give you my heart
I will give you
since its not mine
I just say

just hold on to your pure heart
caresses softly
listen to its story
its pain
its happiness
its gay and liberty

inside your heart
find the spot
where you feel happy and content
avoid the place
where you feel dreadful and sad

knock the door of your heart
say: salaam..
and listen

its humming
like the summer sound
sing the song,
its an easy song
and dance
embrace life!
celebrate!
with the music of your heart

hold on to your heart
it will mend your wound
fix your broken dream
and flying you up
up there to sky

Spring and Autumn

2008-05-28T21:25:00.000-07:00

Dear God,
If I feel happy
let my heart blooms
like flowers in spring
feel the breeze of a cooling wind
dancing with the bird sing

Dear God,
If I feel sad
let my heart feel
the wisdom of autumn

enjoy the fallen leafs
the grey colors
wrapped in a warm jacket
in the chill

And I will let the tears and laugh
If there is
with me in all season
as long as I
continue to find
a secret place
where I only be with You
Forever

katarsis

2008-05-24T22:39:00.000-07:00

Jakarta, 27 Januari 2006

Adalah hal yang aneh, apabila kita telah mencapai batas kesedihan atau kesakitan yang amat sangat, di satu titik kita tidak bisa merasakan apa2, atau tepatnya kita tidak mempunyai cukup ruang di otak kita untuk mengekspresikan itu. Yang dirasakan malah sebaliknya, seperti orang ingin tertawa sepuas-puasnya, terbahak-bahak, berguling-guling, atau malah diam membatu. Mungkin ini batas antara kenormalan dan kegilaan.

Orang, dalam pilihan yang sadar, mungkin bisa memilih menjadi gila atau tidak. Orang gila adalah orang yang berani dalam satu batasan tertentu, sebab dia menuruti hatinya, gejolak pikirannya dan berani terlepas dari kebiasaan orang-orang di sekitarnya. Jika ibu kita mati misalnya, adalah hal yang cukup gila misalnya, jika kita malah tertawa berguling-guling di pemakamannya, tapi siapa yang bisa memahami rasa sakit, dan sedih yang telah mencapai batas dan menjadi tidak tertanggungkan, otak menjadi kebingungan dimana menempatkan signal yang selama ini tidak pernah dikenalinya. Orang sering bilang dalam pembicaraan sehari-hari yang kasar dan terbuka bahwa "otak orang itu korslet," Begitulah, kata yang terdengar asal itu mempunyai makna yang cukup ilmiah.

Secara lebih filosofis, kalau bisa dikatakan begitu, manusia dengan bentuk kesadaran yang berbeda dari mahluk-mahluk bertulang belakang lainnya, mempunyai kebutuhan yang mendasar, melebihi kebutuhan makan atau sex, yaitu kebutuhan untuk memaknai. Memaknai apa yang terjadi pada dirinya, pada lingkungan sekitarnya. Memberi makna selain memberikan kepuasan tuntutan dasarnya, juga membuat dia dan dirinya ada. Ada dalam makna yang dirangkaikannya sendiri.

Berbagai kitab suci dijadikan manusia sebagai pegangan untuk memaknai, ada orang-orang yang berani atau frustasi, mencoba lari dari semua kitab suci, dan bertanya – tanya dan mencari-cari sendiri. Kemana akhirnya? Itulah mungkin yang disebut Dante dalam Divine Comedia, pemaknaan saya (yang sudah pasti sangat subjektif) dengan segala kekelamannya tentang hidup sesudah mati dan juga imaginasi nya ttg keindahan surga, Dante mencoba mentertawai hidup manusia. Suatu komedi, yang tragis. Mereka tidak meminta untuk dilahirkan. Dan ada di dunia ini dengan pilihan-pilihan, ada surga dan neraka dalam pilihannya. Menuruti nafsunya atau menahan. Tapi apakah dia,manusia meminta ada dalam kehidupan ini? Lantas kenapa dia dihukum untuk pilihan-pilihannya?

Dalam segala bentuk keimanan, memang ada yang namanya lompatan. Melompat untuk mengimani. Ada orang –orang yang melompat demi menuruti lingkungna sosialnya, dan tentu saja ini amat hipokrit dan pengecut. Ada yang melompat karena menemukan "pencerahan" dalam keimanannya itu. Seseorang menjadi komunis, misalya karena komunis memberinya pencerahan untuk ketiadaan kelas dalam masyarakat. Atau seseorang berjilbab, karena menemukan keleluasan yang sifatnya tidak fisikal, dan disisi lain orang dapat mengimani nudisme, sebab percaya bahwa manusia adalah juga bagian yang natural dari alam dan adalah menolak hal yang alamiah apabila dia berpakaian, atau berhubungan sex dengan perkawinan. Berbagai macam lompatan. Tentu saja lompatan yang paling melegakan untuk semua manusia, adalah lompatan yang jujur.

Apakah ada yang dapat menilai kejujuran? Yang terletak, dan tersembunyi dalam beberapa lapisan hati?

Kembali pada kesedihan atau rasa sakit, mungkin seseorang dapat mengurangi kesedihan dengan mecoba merangkaikan makna-makna. Benar atau tidaknya, saya yakin, kejujuran hatinya yang akan bergetar,seperti radar. Jika dia mengada-adakan makna, atau memang dia menemukannya. Tidak ada yang harus dipaksakan. Biarkan airmata atau tawa, kesedihan mengalir menemukan muara maknanya sendiri. Yang jujur.

Bandung, 25 Mei 2008

Dan Kesedihan itu ternyata tidak selalu berbentuk air mata. Dia bisa berupa rasa mual, batuk yang tidak berhenti-henti atau sesak nafas.
Tapi kehilangan, kematian, semua adalah bagian dari hidup. Ketetapan. Tidak ada yang bisa dilakukan kecuali menyerahkan jiwa, raga, pada Sang Pemilik Kehidupan. Berserah diri.

ps: dont hide your tears, vik.. and let the angels amuse you..

empty shell

2008-05-16T04:07:00.000-07:00

I am just an empty shell
full with sand
splashing my dirt
hurting
I am just an empty shell
in the ocean
sinking

The sun and the moon

2008-05-13T01:42:00.000-07:00

one day sun said to the moon:
"sorry, I can not stop my light from touching you"
are you okay, is it too hot?"
and moon said:
"Nope.. its alright. it makes me shinning in the dark"

one day moon said to the sun:
"why do you stop the light?"
sun said:
"No, i dont.
But this earth standing in the way.
barring my light"

One day sun said to the moon:
"I feel tired, this earth blocking my light.
I will not shine anymore. too much shadow. Too dark.
and moon said:
"No, the light is in you, you can not stop the light. It will pass. Everything will pass.
Trust me, "

One day, the earth is back to its place. and the eclipse over.

and the moon
and the sun
back in their role
shining, all the way.

somehow, they missed the conversation.

in a delay

2008-05-13T00:09:00.000-07:00

I hover from time to time
place to place
Frozen in the vacant seat
in unknown airports
ports
stations
landed in a place without name
not necessarily mentions in a map
people talk in a rhyme sound,
i can not catch one word
I do know by heart, a sincere smile
Hovering
questioning this frivolity
hoping for a leap
for a mean
and fly

Ode to my child

2008-05-08T23:39:00.000-07:00

My daughter or son or..
if i get old and boring
patronizing you with
all these mundane structures
school,
homework,
work,
married,

everything that you might not understand
everything that you might hate
or tend to break
remind me that I have told you this

That, this world is keeping secrets
waiting to be unveiled
this world is not only miseries
and robotic act
and put your humanity behind the bar

But this world is offering you with million of possibilities
and adventure and magic
fairies, heroes, gods are not tale
We are part of a long story of humans
We are the miracle

This world is always
a battle of good and evil
and in the end
goodness is always win
Honesty will always win
Sincerity will always win
Even if people play you around
and betray
of your fond purity
let them be

Since the world is keeping secrets
waiting to be unveiled
Sky is keeping secrets
waiting to be unveiled
Your heart is keeping secrets
waiting to be unveiled

Only the winner who can unveil
the one who always, always
follow their heart

Then, never stop to redefine
ask questions
be foolish
honest
and free

and remind me,
that I have told you this
even when I still dont know
if i can have you

This world is too sedative
and hard for us to wake
paying loan is bigger than dream
the real is better to have dream
and avoid the loan :))

If I got old and whining
ask you to have good job, house
to get married and have kids
remind me that I have told you this

This world has no boundaries
You have no boundaries
We are the miracle
Just be you

Real Love

2008-05-05T06:45:00.000-07:00

All my little plans and schemes,
lost like some forgotten dreams.
Seems that all I really was doing
was waitin' for you

Just like little girls and boys,
playing with their little toys.
Seems like all we really were doing
was waitin' for love.

lonely to be alone,
no need to be alone.

It's real love, it's real,
Yes it's real love, it's real.

From this moment on I know,
exactly where my life will go.
Seems that all I really was doing
was waitin' for love.

No need to be afraid,
no need to be afraid.

It's real love, it's real,
Yes it's real love, it's real.

Thought I'd been in love before,
but in my heart I wanted more.
Seems like all I really was doing
was waitin' for you.

lonely to be alone,
No need to be alone.

It's real love, yeah it's real,
It's real love, it's real,
Yes, it's real love, it's real,
It's real love, it's real,
Yes it's real love, it's real,
It's real love, it's real,
Yes it's real love, it's real,
It's real love, it's real,

Yes it's real love

The Beatles

Say I am you

2008-05-05T05:04:00.000-07:00

I am dust particles in sunlight.
I am the round sun.

To the bits of dust I say, Stay.
To the sun, Keep moving.

I am morning mist,
and the breathing of evening.

I am wind in the top of a grove,
and surf on the cliff.

Mast, rudder, helmsman, and keel,
I am also the coral reef they founder on.

I am a tree with a trained parrot in its branches.
Silence, thought, and voice.

The musical air coming through a flute,
a spark of stone, a flickering in metal.
Both candle and the moth crazy around it.

Rose, and the nightingale lost in the fragrance.
I am all orders of being, the circling galaxy,
the evolutionary intelligence, the lift, and the falling away.

What is, and what isn't.
You who know, Jelaluddin,
You the one in all, say who I am,

Say I am You

Jelaluddin El Rummi

love of antonio de carlie

2008-04-28T04:53:00.000-07:00

Listen the sardonic story of Antonio de Carlie,
a priest from Brazil who flew with thousand of balloons
He staged the stunt to raise money for his church
it was a foolish things to do, one might say
but I said, why not?
it is good being foolish once in your life
and be free

The news said de Carlie went missing
some of his balloons was found floating
in the Brazilian coast..
but his body was never found..

Somehow, its good to be Carlie
being foolish, believing your faith
being foolish and free
it's expression of love
we are foolish when we are in love
like de carlie..
He might die happy..

so, friends be foolish
be free
and let the wind take you away..

ps: picture taken from reuters photo: its Antonio de Carlie with his balloons. Stunning.

bhrams lullaby

2008-04-25T21:13:00.000-07:00

Lullaby and good night, with roses bed night
With lilies o'er spread is baby's wee bed
Lay thee down now and rest, may thy slumber be blessed
Lay thee down now and rest, may thy slumber be blessed

Lullaby and good night, thy mother's delight
Bright angels beside my darling abide
They will guard thee at rest, thou shalt wake on my breast
They will guard thee at rest, thou shalt wake on my breast

ps: in a memory of a peaceful night :)

True Love

2008-04-24T00:49:00.000-07:00

Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking,
it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
It does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.
—I Corinthians 13:4-8a -

ruang kecil

2008-04-23T03:35:00.000-07:00

Tidak pernah cukup kata,
melukiskan ini
Sejak dulu
ruang kecil itu
selalu saja kosong
dan cahaya-Mu merayu,
menarikku kembali
dalam pusaran kerinduan yang menyakitkan
melihat kembali, ruang kecil itu
ternyata tidak pernah terisi

all is love

2008-04-22T00:57:00.000-07:00

Children of the ocean,
I see a boy in both of you
and I am here
feel your both tears
share laugh to your bitter life
i am just here
and feel
never bother me
or ask what i feel
what i don't feel
never try to reach me
or, get rid of me
or share my tears
or share my laugh
it's not what i am here for
Let the angels witness my pain, laugh and tears
But, i feel you both
feel your both pain
feel your both quest
witness you both
just let it be
maybe,
all is love

ps: hopefully, both became triple, dozens, hundred, thousand, million, billion...

silent voices

2008-04-16T21:43:00.000-07:00

Naomi Sosuke*) teaches me something.
You don't need to moan to feel the pain
Hold your tongue, the silent will take over
It teaches you the secret of pain
: silent voices

*)"Mon", a sleepy novel by Naomi Sosuke.

mirror cracked

2008-04-11T04:56:00.000-07:00

Mirror cracked,
if you tell her
your shadow

Mirror cracked
if you think
you are more
than your reflection

Miror cracked
if you hit her
with your shameless
vanity
and
desire

Doa cengeng

2008-04-03T04:53:00.000-07:00

Tuhan,

Jika memang duka adalah bagian dari hidupku
Maka perjalankanlah aku kepada-Mu
Dengan itu

Tuhan,
Jika kepahitan cinta adalah bagian dari hidupku
Maka perjalankanlah aku kepada-Mu
Dengan itu

Bebaskan aku dari harapan Tuhanku
Bahkan dari keindahan
Bahkan dari penemuan-penemuan
Bebaskan aku Tuhanku

Dan pertemukanlah aku Dengan-Mu

sm (self-mocking) : kata "kepahitan cinta" dangdut banget .. :))..
ini kaya tulisan2 di tembok WC SMA. a whole rangkaian kata2 ini memang dangdut banget.. he, he..

Tokyo state of mind*)

2008-03-31T00:06:00.000-07:00

it was tokyo in my mind
when I waited for taxi last friday
not the glittering part of Ginza nor the fancy restaurant,
but a dim part , the silent corner,
near Ueno and Minowa
the street with no name
I waited for taxi there two years ago
and I remember there was no people
Except huge streets and cars passing by
i just joined a summer dance
in a suburban
where people gathered to celebrate warmest month of the year..
the music was surreal, the dance was nothing near beautiful
it was only two old ladies with Yukata*)
and moving in strangest dance I ever seen
and asking people to make a circle and dance together
i joined the circle
blended myself with the rhythm
they asked me to claps
followed their move, and laughed at my confusion
and me, laughed at myself
i remember a scene in milan kundera's book of laughter and forgetting
when bohemian students gather to make a circle and dance during the rally
and their circle is flying away, they are flying away, way, way out to the sky..
It is Tokyo in my mind
still today, right now
the air, the cloud, the people,
how can a city made your heart fall, so badly?
especially a megapolitan where humans are so indifference?
where people found killing themselves is, was, way out of honor?
why I retained peace where people killing their souls with machine?
If i can sing like Billy Joel,
I would say "Im in the Tokyo state of mind.. "

*)taken from billy joel song: newyork state of mind
*) yukata= simple kimono for summer
*) the dim picture was picture near minowa, where i stayed the last time i visited Tokyo..
its not exjactly the street where i feel dejavu, but looked like it

Meet God in your litle step

2008-03-27T22:34:00.000-07:00

It is not hard to meet Him,
You can meet with His acts, His words
in you everyday
Not in your dream,
Not somewhere in the 7 layers of sky
But in you, in every second of your life

When you swept dry leafs in the yard this morning
Do you recognize it is His language of sacrifice?
He gives everything to you
and only asking you to get pleasure from those
His vision of nature,
Asking the old leaf to die, surrender to the ground,
Let the new life begin

When you feel sad to the atrocities around you,
Even when it is only an ant who killed abruptly?
It is His compassion, His tenderness speaks trough you,
let you understand His vision of love and tender care

When you feel that you are loved?
Or missed?
It is His love around you
He misses you, and loves you
More, more, more, more, more, more…
Than you'll ever wanted to know..

Menemukan Cermin Diri Pada Ajaran Para Wali

2008-03-25T01:07:00.000-07:00

“ Mengenai langkah yang harus dijalani, janganlah kamu berlebihan, hiduplah dengan bersahaja, jangan sombong dalam berbicara, dan jangan berlebihan terhadap sesama manusia. Itulah langkah sempurna yang sejati. Bertapa di gunung atau di gua itu akan menjadikanmu takabur,lakukanlah tapa di tengah ramainya manusia. Milikilah sikap luhur dan maafkanlah orang yang salah. Hanya itulah langkah yang sejati”

(Sajarah Wali, Syekh Syarif hidayatullah Sunan Gunang jati, Naskah Mertasinga, Wahjoe: Pustaka, 2005)

Paragraph diatas saya kutipkan dari sebuah naskah kuno Mertasinga yang merupakan pesan yang disampaikan oleh Syekh Ataullah salah satu guru dari Sunan Gunung Jati. Naskah ini diterjemahkan oleh Amman N Wahjoe yang memiliki dokumen ini secara turun menurun dalam keluarganya. Wahjoe membuat babad yang berbahasa jawa-sundan ini dalam bahasa Indonesia dan menjadi satu bacaan berbahasa Indonesia yang banyak menyingkap sejarah tentang para wali di pulau jawa.

Sebenarnya ajaran-ajaran macam ini bertebaran di Indonesia. Bentuknya dapat berupa babad, kawuh, kinanti dan sebagainya. Satu bentuk dokumen yang biasanya hanya dipunyai oleh keturunan yang sifatnya ekslusif dan tidak terdokumentasi dengan baik.

Banyak keluarga di Indonesia ini menyimpan catatan-catatan ataupun tinggalan dari kakek, nenek atau buyutnya. Namun karena ketidakmengertian catatan ini diperlakukan sebagai jimat yang dikeramatkan tanpa dikuak isinya.

Bagi saya pribadi amat menarik untuk mengetahui secara mendalam ajaran-ajaran para wali di pulau jawa ini. Sejak dulu informasi yang saya terima tentang para wali, hanyalah hal-hal yang berisifat sinkretik yang penuh dengan cerita-cerita kegaiban.

Namun semakin saya mencari, yang saya temukan adalah kesederhanaan ajaran mereka yang cukup menyentuh sisi keberagamaan saya. Kalau ditilik dari ajaran-ajarannya para sunan ini tidak hanya sekedar pendakwah, namun mereka mempunyai khazanah sufistik yang cukup mendalam.

Salah satu tanda dari khazanah sufistik yang dimiliki para wali tersebut adalah wisdom (kebijaksanaan). Salah satu contohnya dapat kita rasakan pada ajaran sunan kudus yang sampai saat ini masih diyakini oleh sebagian masyarakat di kota itu, yaitu tidak menyembelih sapi. Saat itu sunan kudus memerintahkan penghormatan terhadap sapi untuk mentoleransi kepercayaan masyarakat Hindu yang hidup di kota itu.

Menurut kisah yang tersebar dalam masyarakat, Sunan ini memulai dakwahnya dengan cara yang sangat unik untuk memancing masyarakat pergi ke masjid mendengarkan dakwahnya. Ia sengaja menambatkan sapinya yang diberi nama Kebo Gumarang di halaman masjid. Orang-orang Hindu yang mengagungkan sapi, tumbuh simpatinya. Apalagi setelah mereka mendengar penjelasan Sunan Kudus tentang surat Al Baqarah yang berarti "sapi betina".

Selain itu kita dapat juga mempelajari ajaran dari Sunan Bonang yang gemar mecipatakan lagu-lagu rakyat sebagai lahan dakwahnya. Salah satu tembangnya yang cukup populer sampai saat ini, terutama saat dinyantikan kembali oleh Opick “tombo ati” merupakan hasil karyanya. Boleh saya kutipkan disini terjemahan dari syair berbahasa Jawa tersebut : Obat hati ada lima perkara/ yang pertamabaca qur'an dan maknanya/ yang kedua shalat malam dirikanlah/yang ketiga berkumpulah dengan orang saleh/yang keempat perbanyaklah berpuasa/yang kelima dzikir malam perpanjanglah/siapa yang bisa melakukan salah satunya /semoga Tuhan memberikan penyembuhnya

Salah satu sunan yang cukup unik pendekatannya dan cukup akrab dengan budaya lokal adalah Sunan kalijaga. Wali yang satu ini menggunakan pendekatan budaya untuk mendekati masyarakat Hindu Budha pada jamannya. Salah satu peninggalan beliau yang cukup dikenal oleh masyarakat Jawa adalah kisah pewayangan Dewa ruci.

Kisah tentang Bima yang bertemu dngan dewa ruci yang berwujud sama dengan dirinya menyimbolkan pertemuan manusia dengan jiwanya sendiri. Kisah Dewa Ruci merupakan satu simbol khazanah kesufian yang melihat bahwa tiap-tiap manusia harus bertemu dengan jiwanya sendiri untuk mengetahui laku sejati dalam hidupnya. Sayangnya saat ini banyak orang Jawa menggunakan pementasan wayang Dewa Ruci ini untuk ritual “ruwatan” tanpa mengetahui pesan sesungguhnya dari kisah tersebut.

Yang cukup ajaib buat saya juga adalah fakta sejarah bahwa para wali itu sebagian besar adalah orang-orang asing. Menurut buku yang ditulis oleh Sudirman Tebba, “Mengenal Wajah Islam yang ramah” (Pustaka Irvan, 2007) dan juga Sajarah Wali dalam Naskah Mertasinga, para wali kebanyakan berasal dari tanah arab dan Campa.

Syekh Syarif Hidayatullah sendiri serta Sunan Kudus mempunyai berdarah arab . Wali-wali yang lain seperti Sunan Ampel, Sunan Giri dan Sunan Bonang yang mempunyai hubungan kekeluargaan satu sama lain, merupakan keturunan dari Campa, perdebatan sering merujuk Campa sebagai salah satu daerah di Kamboja.

Kenyataan bahwa orang-orang asing khusus datang dan berkumpul ke pulau Jawa untuk menyebarkan dakwah Islam, adalah hal yang cukup menarik untuk diselami. Mengapa mereka datang ke pulau jawa? Dan lebih hebatnya lagi mengapa mereka yang berdarah asing itu dapat membumikan nilai-nilai Islam sesuai dengan nilai lokal atau lebih tepatnya “berdakwah dengan “bahasa” kaumnya?

Ini adalah misteri yang membutuhkan studi yang panjang, namun dengan khazanah sufistiknya yang unik para wali mengajarkan nenek moyang saya untuk menyembah Tuhan dengan keberserahdirian yang sederhana.

Sayangnya esensi dari ajaran para wali ini terlupakan saat ini. Banyak orang di Indonesia mencoba mencari refleksi keagamaannya ke luar dan bukan pada dirinya sendiri. Gerakan pan Islamisme tahun 80-an agaknya banyak membuat perubahan dalam berislamnya orang Indonesia.

Faham-faham yang serba keras, pure berwajah syariah tanpa percikan kebijakan membuat Islam difahami dengan perspektif yang amat berbeda pada generasi – generasi muda Islam Indonesia yang ada saat ini.

Gerakan – gerakan Islam yang banyak merupakan turunan dari organisasi Islam dari mesir atau saudi Arabia, membuat banyak orang terasing dari sejarah keberagamaannya sendiri. Aliran garis keras ini pun direaksi dengan gerakan keIslaman yang liberal yang mencoba memasukkan Islam mempunyai logika berfikirnya sendiri yang transenden, dalam frame ilmiah barat yang sifatnya materialistik.

Saya tidak menemukan wajah Islam yang diyakini oleh nurani saya pada dua sisi ekstrim tersebut. Namun saya menemukan ketersambungan akar keyakinan saya tentang bagaimana seharusnya “beragama Islam” dalam ajaran para wali .

Sekarang, disaat Islam didentikan dengan terorisme dan kekerasan, Indonesia sering ditoleh oleh barat sebagai anti thesa bahwa Islam adalah wujud dari kedamaian dan toleransi. Menurut saya sudah saatnya untuk menggali dan mencoba menemukan inti dari warisan ajaran-ajaran para wali, sehingga kita bisa menemukan keunikan sejarah keberagamaan kita sendiri dan menyebarkan pada dunia, wajah Islam yang sebenarnya sebagai Rahmat sekalian alam.

lost

2008-03-13T23:02:00.001-07:00

we try to steal face of God
in every words, in every gaze
we are deceived,
hunger,
thirst,
lost
in this layers of illusions
questions
searching for His Beauty
plunge
in the same hole
again.
who can answer this longing?
Who will?

second step: clear my head

2008-03-04T22:56:00.000-08:00

Even im a journalist for 9 years, i do not hold on physical evidence to judge things in my life. Im dwelling in dreams. imaginations. massive logic. emotions. I react spontaneously. Sometimes, signs, dreams, feeling, tendency, speak when it becomes reality. I just let it slides.

But living like that for almost your whole life, its like a mess. Its like you don't clean your desk for whole couple of years. You just take what presented in front of you, and react. you dont know anything, but make certain perception and take action. i think it is time to bring a little bit of journalism sense into my life.

I have to stand on a clear logic to explain things I have to continue to redefine everything, i will not let myself dwelling in anything, I will clear my head. And hopefully, You, My Lord, will in and show me the real things.

knowledge behind cleaning your desk

2008-02-26T03:56:00.000-08:00

There is philosophy behind cleaning your desk that i think all office boy and girl know.
These are some knowledges I find when I clean my desk:

1. Do it slowly

2. Alert of prestigious stuffs that might be found. You might find your golden ring, or confidential documents, or anything that is important, but forgotten, because it's hidden under loads of unnecessary stuffs scattering, piling up, jostling in your desk.

3. Decide wisely, dispose or keep. If you decide to keep, put in the right place.

4. Consistent. Another documents, stuffs, will come. Another load of your life will come and piling up in your desk. Next time, Dont' wait until years to clean up. Every time, any dirt comes, clean it. And don't forget, Do it wisely whether to keep or throwing the stuffs away.

Hum, easy right?

I think knowing these principles will help me to clean ... everything!

first step: clean my desk

2008-02-25T04:56:00.000-08:00

first step to know who i am is to know my weaknesses.
the first and foremost weakness is, okay, i am filthy.
wait, not need to be over interpretation by saying: "well everyone is filthy animal...!"
no. I mean i am literally filthy,
dont be deceived by my appearance with the headscarf or anything..
a friend said that i look like a teacher or something (not a journalist, unfortunately)

Wait until you see my bag, or worst, my desk. working desk.
Hum, its like seeing a dirty pond. you can not see the bottom.

Tonight i cleaned my working desk,
the right word is, i threw anything that looks like over-used.
and what did I find?

well, some books, important books that i have been looking for..
East timor Constitutions, i was keep downloading that trough Google, i forgot that i have printed it. and pictures.. memorable pictures..

God, looks what i found when i cleaned my desk..
what will i find if clean my self?
but, i will not go too far
the second step is, i think, washing my hair
i haven't washed for ...
well already too much informations :))
i should stop now.

he, he
i like cleaning up.
i dont know it can be this fun.

ps: thanks for pak usin who has helped me patiently tonight..:))

To judge where we are in the dark projection of world future

2008-02-23T22:13:00.001-08:00

(A self political manifesto, in attempt to stop the restless mind)

Now, im reading “The Tree That Fell To the West, “ a compilation of teaching of M.R Bawa Muhaiyaddien , a srilankan sufi, who has explained with clarity and wisdom of God’s existence in every second of humans life.

In a chapter, he explained his spiritual experienced witnessing God’s words explained him about dark future of the world as how the nature would be stumbling down, and humans would be possessed and ruled by evil desires, world would be kept in darkness, and give room only to the massive hypocrisy.

The chapter reminds me of other projections from a great number of spiritualist here and there, who has the same dim projection. And now, we don’t need a spiritualist to see how this world is going to end.

Global warming becoming more real everyday in every place of the world. I don’t need to explain how bad it is. Everyone in this world has their own version of their experience in a earthquake, trap in flood, witnessing hurricane. The threat of a global natural disaster is real in front of us.

How about world leaders? We see that so called respected nations leaders who rule this world has done nothing to the betterment of their people. Words are becoming more important than actions. United Nations has proven that they can not function when they do nothing to unilateralism action by some countries in the world. The understanding that world has moved to more civilized nature by putting consensus and multilateralism first, is merely illusion. Humans are not changed from time to time. They have betrayed their own achievement of finding great values that hopeful to elevate their quality, by trying to violate these values everyday. We witness those shameful acts from the lowest level in our neighborhood, in the government buildings, in the parliament corners, in the world institutions.

We witness that. We abhor that. And what we can do?

Some people choose to move across became a radicalist in their own way, a revolutionist freedom fighter ( I will not use most popular political encoding word such as terrorist) a religion radicalist, an environment radicalist, a leftist, a rightist, building illusion upper illusion and create more anger, damage, and blood.

Some people choose to hide, and build their own world, praying in the corner of their houses, made exclusive groups and waiting for the doomsday. They see that the hope is end. What they can do is wait, and pray, and do nothing.

I don’t think those choices are productive.

I remember in some teaching, including Bawa, reminds me that, the world outside us is merely a projection of the world inside me. Humans wildness, and vengeance, hatred , and anger, is taking their real projection in this world, trough the nature outside, and also the people act.

I like the concept. I can not explain further the reason, why I am interested in the concept. But, I think that concept explained a substantial, an inherent relevance of humans, nature and the people. One with minimum spiritual knowledge, will naturally know that there is a single reality that is personal beyond their physical body.

How if I say that the crumbling world, the nature and its people, is a mirror of the emptiness in humans? The emptiness in each of us? Their anger its our anger. Their frustration its our frustration. Their vengeance its our vengeance. Their confusion is our confusion. Their greediness is our greediness? Their moral corruption, their adultery.. the darkness that we witness now, is a mirror, showing our own darkness?

I think we can not appoint any injustice or anything, without looking inside us first. To have a self revolutionary act, is a must for everyone who wants to change the world. If one can change one-self, there is a hope to change the world. Maybe the answer of this dark projection of future, is each of us.

How to start this act? But, what is self anyway?

To start the self revolutionary act is to know what is self.

To know who I am.

I think that’s the biggest homework for me, maybe for everyone.

Dogs of desire, monkeys of mind *)

2008-02-21T03:32:00.000-08:00

One says that heaven and hell is near

The heart will show us,

Is it heaven there?

or hell

it is our heart who will define

to where we will end

I look inside my heart

and what do I find?

Dogs of desire wagging its tail,

Monkeys of mind jumping around,

restless, pointless

Two wise men, in different time and place

say : " Let them pass.

Do not follow their move, but

do not get angry or drive them away

just stand still, and let them passing by"

Hover in the heaviest battle

I nurture the light

from the darkness that keep me tight

*) monkeys of mind, dogs of desire taken from Bawa Muhaiyaddien words in his books

drifting

2007-12-27T02:17:00.000-08:00

Battle in the castle
of wicked flame
and the Light
Aren't we only human?
and our Heart
is the Colosseum
of war
between our heroic part
and those wicked ones
and I'm drifting
in this realm
not a heroine
definitely not a heroine
May You forgive me Lord
Despite my cowardice
my shameful act
my embarrassing foolishness
I beg You
allow me to continue
to feel
and be grateful
for Your real, boundless affection
of Love and tenderness
forever

First stone

2007-12-18T01:34:00.000-08:00

Honey,
this is your first stone
comes from your patience, hard work, and persistence
and this first stone
given
from the Source of Inspirations
that you have given your self into

Sad and happiness is other side of a coin
proud and humiliation just a playful creature in the lake
wagging us with their tail
seduce us
drown us

stand still
and hear the rhyme
and slowly step to your next stone
and next stone
and next stone
and thousand stones ahead

be a servant
of truth and honesty
and let your soul
spread the wing
and fly

Jakarta, December 18

ps: Dedicated for my husband Dul, award winner of television Journalism from UNICEF and Alliance of Independent Journalist (AJI) for documentary movie about children.

joker asks

2007-12-05T23:41:00.000-08:00

There is a joker
Hidden beneath my skin
Mocking
“Do you seriously want to meet God?
It just your poor bluffing, mate
What do you want?
Do you think you have that holly ring in your head?
You are the laughing stock of the creatures, heaven and earth
Look at you
Who are you, really?” said joker laughing heartily.

There is a joker
Hidden in my ear
Whispering

licking my ear with his menace tongue
“Do you think you can meet God
don’t you remember His answer to your pray
Masked Man.
You’re still using your deceitful mask
Idiot
Hiding your disgusting face ,
Mundane world sucker beast!” He slapped my ear with his foot.

There is joker
Hidden somewhere
In me

I think I know him, long long.. time ago..

tonight pray

2007-11-29T04:41:00.000-08:00

Please forgive me,
for the fire
that comes in me
the air that fill most of me
dirt in my eyes
water in my ears
diluting me from You
please give me way
to find myself in You
help me cleaving
tons of veils
that baring me from You
save me, God
from the shadow
and million forms who come in between
save me, God

from a friend

2007-11-11T22:24:00.000-08:00

I got this message in my facebook inbox this morning.
It soothing, at the very first day of seems to be the busiest week
before im leaving for another overseas coverage next week, Insya Allah..

Meanwhile, please enjoy, a quotation from old testament words of King Solomon or Sulaiman the prophet in Islam:

" For everything there is a season,
And a time for every matter under heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die;
A time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal;
A time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to throw away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
A time to embrace, And a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to seek, and a time to lose;
A time to keep, and a time to throw away;
A time to tear, and a time to sew;
A time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate,
A time for war, and a time for peace, "

(Ecclesiastes 3:1-8)

Thanks pak Jhon Mc Dougall.. :))

Love, spirit of creation

2007-10-30T07:02:00.000-07:00

i think love between man and woman, platonic or not, or in some level of physical or brain (still physical) attractiveness
between those opposite kinds in the very moment when they fall in love, in some level, before it gets too physical, too earthly ....

Love, Godly or mundanely anyway those kinds of Love
that creates butterfly in our stomach is a Creative spirit
this kind of love is a must to Keep living, to Create something

I suspect this spirit originated from the first of human creation
I think this is way of God's loves us
That is why God creates Man and Woman
or flower and bee..
or blue and pink ..
Sun and Moon..
To express His Beauty
and Love
trough nature of his creation
that He, himself designs
Love triggers Creativity and Looks How Creative God is
can you see?

world seems dissapointing
with the middle east conflict
and horrible news from Africa
but still laugh of a kid in the street can lighten your heart, right?
or how beautiful sound of drizzle in your roof to night?

A wise man say, its one.
Smile of a kid, and blood scattered in Pakistan
is one. I can not undrestand that. But I feel its just right.

so To night, I hope everyone blessed with Love that will fill them with inspirations and creations
and reflect His Genuine way of Loving

God, do you think my writing is too cheesy?
anyway friend, lets fall in Love..
be expressive and celebrating Love

Ps: lagi mabok nih, I think mix something here... btw, i might delete this post when Im awake..:))..

mediocre novels

2007-10-30T06:18:00.002-07:00

I start to ask myself
why i like mediocre novels
it tells you nothing than the story of desperate lives
or a detective try to find the killer (even i know whose the killer in the middle of my reading),
or i dont know, am i too critical
belittle everything who doesn't bring sense of enlighten yet i like it
I like the way story told
i like how a story reach the peak
or how i see bad ending destroy all hundred pages before
(this also works to movie, ending is decisive)
and perfect ending save a -would-be-mediocre- book, becomes book of the year..
such as Kite Runners, damn ending. It will made you cry.
or .. i dont know, now, I read eric seagal 1958, not reaching the ending yet
while Seagal bragging about how special Harvard is..
its nothing,
like one day, a respected friend, surprised me with his catharsis trough
a trash song.. (trash clip too..)
Why human always sinking in nothingness and entertained by illusion?

weekend

2007-10-26T04:40:00.000-07:00

After a long holiday

And rushing hours for works

Grumbling about traffic

And pimple,

And trying to be

a daughter

a friend

a scribbler

an auntie

a worker (exhausting… but, survive)

now, its weekend,

press the shutdown button

and voila!

Welcome my personal corner

Indonesia 2007

2007-10-10T02:00:00.000-07:00

Rakyat indonesia itu..
rela mati demi dua belas ribu rupiah
dihina, dipukuli, diperkosa, disetrika di negeri orang
bergelimpangan di jalan-jalan
tidur dalam gerobak
rumah di kolong jembatan habis dibakar
anak-anaknya jadi target pedhopilia
berterbangan saat tsunami
berlarian saat lari dari gempa bumi

Pejabat Indonesia itu..
merasa betul-betul pejabat kalau naik mobil lebih dari 200 juta
merasa dihormati dengan sirine yang mengaum saat dia membelah jalan raya
naik limousine di Paris saat mau minjem uang di CGI
sementara negara donor berdesakan di bis murah charteran
Senang kalau orang memuji dan mencium tangannya
Merasa bangga dengan rombongan besar yang mengikuti kemana-mana
dan sekretaris yang bisa bermain tenis

Sebagian kecil rakyat Indonesia itu,
Selalu menyetir mobil mewah dan supirnya membawa pistol
Liburan ke Eropa jadi patokan
Menyebut lawan bicara dengan Jij
Merasa puas saat tiap anaknya diberi rumah mewah lengkap dengan pudel
Menilai orang dari sepatu yang dipakai
dan bau parfumnya
Merasa bangga saat menyebut rumah di Menteng
menyumbang Hansip Kampung berlebihan supaya rumah tidak diserang
Datang ke konser Il Divo tanpa berusaha tahu artinya

Sebagian kecil rakyat Indonesia lagi,
Melihat segala kecurangan
dan kemunafikan
tanpa bisa berbuat apa-apa

dan sebagiannya lagi,
terseret kedalamnya.

Dua hari sebelum lebaran..
mohon maaf lahir dan batin, indonesiaku..

knocking heaven's door

2007-10-02T01:26:00.000-07:00

God,
this battle inside,
is it You?
Is it You?
behind all the fuss
behind all this hunger
nausea
rolling and rolling
and rolling
and those pictures keeps
inundating,
those whispers
mocking,
God,
is it You?

run into my nationalism

2007-09-19T20:14:00.000-07:00

I went to the land where people despise their roots
blame their ancestor
inherited guilt
hiding head in their lap
shame on their leaders
and alienated

Its struck me
that my effort to think nationalism is foolish
is partial
that, probably, proud of where you come from
its part of nature

and to have terrible history
for a nation to exist is a cursed
because children are deceived
and lie, passes from generation to generation

Its good thing
that I have such proud history
for some episode of our ancestors
they were a truly fighters
they fight for freedom and glory
after 300 years in slavery

compare to a nation
that live from taking other human live
and busy lowering other nations
while in their home
people hang themselves because of frustration
dumped from so called civilization
just because they have different skin color

Thanks God,
to make me Indonesian,
a resident from a nation, a new born nation in 40's
(I used to call "artificial" nation, which is, I think its not an artificial shape anymore
when million people died to defend the idea)
which come of an idealistic dream
of unity in differences and freedom

I am,
the resident of nation that are poor
nations with thick dense of hypocrisy
and low level of decency

Those,
made me have to struggle more
to make this half way nation
a real home
for homeless souls

to deliver a genuine story
of rebirth of a great nation
that will be written
in the history

(after 2 week in commonwealth continent in the south)

Zombie

2007-08-24T08:16:00.000-07:00

Do you know that now you live with Zombie around you? Or maybe I already one?

Do you like Gossip show? Or you like to talk about someone’s bad? Or what you prejudice as bad? Hush-hush with your friends? Your eyes becomes wider, lowering your voice…that kind of style..

Gossip is when you talk about someone’s bad and it made you feel that you are better than her or him, you are kinder than him or her. Gossip made you despised him or her because with gossip, you feel that she is half human, and you feel that you are the complete one.

That’s our face now. What we consume everyday in our television screen, in our daily conversation.. Suddenly, we feel better after we talked about A who split with his wife, or C who used wrong outfit in a occasion, or D who is pervert, or the arrogant T, or The noisy M…or The Bitch C . After gossip, world suddenly better place to live, because there is bad person which are they, and there are good people such us.

That’s why, gossiping is such dangerous and destructive act. Because it deceives us. Gossip makes us feel better. And we continue to feel that way, and become blinded, continue to be blinded suddenly, we can not see inside our-self anymore. Because with gossip, we cover the light of knowing of our mistake and weakness, with such wrong perception, that we are better than someone, and finally, we feel that we are better than any people in the world.

Gossip makes you lost your honest mirror, your heart.
and continue to live without heart.

Its same with dying.

and become Zombie.

in sudirman kav. 3

2007-08-23T06:22:00.000-07:00

Sesungguhnya,

Dari segala keruwetan ini, Tuhan

Tidak ada segala sesuatu pun

Selain kita berdua

Yang lamat-lamat menyentuh hati ku

Mendera perasaanku

Kerinduan yang tak pernah aku mengerti

Tidak ada segala sesuatupun,

Selain kita berdua,

Sejak dulu

Tidak akan pernah ada kata yang cukup

untuk menuangkan ini

hanya titik air di sudut-sudut mata

mengungkapkan rinduku,

:tidak ada segala sesuatupun ternyata, Tuhan

selain kita berdua

in my tea garden,august 2007

(in a strange feeling of 12 years flashback in a meadow near Bandung)

the keys

2007-08-21T00:44:00.000-07:00

two keys to unveil the secret of life:
grateful and patient
:)

eclipse

2007-08-06T02:47:00.000-07:00

We meet in change of seasons
Waiting flowers bloom
And witness the fall

Snow pours our heart
searching for sunlight
to melt the ice

words are beyond us

;this longing is clear

Aren’t we only a play?

in stranger's dream
Aren’t we trapped?
In the old jokes
Aren’t we a perfect irony
A mock of life?

I steal your face
In time
I steal the time
with you

selamat jalan ito

2007-07-31T17:01:00.000-07:00

It is strange feeling to start your day by reading an sms telling your friend has passed away. Ito, knew him for several months, when he had training in my office. A silent guy, young, persistent photographers, and now, he started another dimension in his life. I could do nothing, except open his friendster page, bid him good bye.

Please forgive him God and protect him in this eternal journey..

Aamiin..

Manila, august 1,

(surya hito, 26, passed away at 3.40 am today)

elementary

2007-07-10T02:27:00.000-07:00

I travel to the Light
the Light is in me
I fight the darkness
That is part of me
I look for a mirror
To show my error

I weave the time
With surface patience
I conquere space
With my mess

With all the wound
and defeated pride
I will still travel
To the light

after months ....

2007-05-31T21:15:00.000-07:00

Asking and knowing
the purest heart are dreaming
of little butterfly hanging
in the tapestry of living

Asking and knowing
Let the clown smiling
summer stinging
rain drizzling
and the illusionist dying
its dark secret rubbling

Oh thou,
purest of the purest heart
in the thatched house
of God
please stop here in my port
take me to the rock

and let me in

Virtual Reality

2007-02-12T06:29:00.001-08:00

I went to "Dunia Fantasi" Indonesian Disney-like amusement park on Satuday. It was tiring, he, he, an amusement park is not so amusing anymore, especially, if you are in early 30's, overload with jobs and seems never ending loans, no regular sport, problems with cholesterol, ..etc, etc.. plus you went with three teenagers and a traumatic seven year old kid.

It was really an amusement park scenes, six of us hanging and running everywhere in the park, bringing bags full with chips, crackers, mineral water, spare clothes, towel and everything.. meanwhile, those teenagers glued to their mobile phone, and we were also busy persuading the traumatic kid to take a ride in a roller coaster or giant ferry wheel, and even the kid needed to be persuaded to get on to the merry go round.. he he..

Well, there was no insight at all until, I went to attraction, called "meteor attack". It's a virtual reality games. We sat down in a moving chair, in front of the giant screen that gave us a three dimentional effect. It was like, we are the pilot, controlling the airplane, jumping into the cliff, flying high to the sky, fighting with the alien. Our seat was moving, like seat in the jet airplane.

It was like true experience, the sound, the view, the move.… but we were not moving anywhere, actually, we were not going outside the universe, we were not jumping into the cliff, we just there, screaming, scarred, pounding, jostling, jumping in our seat, but we were not moving anywhere. We just there, in a dark room, with a giant 3-d screen..

And I’m thinking of another 3 D screen that I face everyday, outside the dark room, outside the amusement park. A 3 D screen that I’ve been facing since I was born . Im not moving anywhere. My life and heart is always there, somewhere, In the hand of the Creator. While my body and soul, is scanning His Giant screen, playing a role in His Play. His virtual reality. Our's too.

Nothing is real, John Lennon once sang.

Those cliffs of live, those peaks, sea in our life, the fall, the winning, the happiness, the sadness, the ambitions, the houses, everything will be left behind. One day, our time to leave our seat will come. We have to get outside the dark room, and meet with the Real.

I think the smartest man, in the virtual reality attraction, is he who tries to see behind the screen. A man who is trying to get the meaning in every view that is presented.

And for me, I keep hang on to the meaning, in every meaning that I find, while my seat in this dark room keep moving, pounding, jumping, …

until the time comes for me (and you) to leave.

Nothing, Its just jazz

2007-02-01T06:06:00.000-08:00

Jazz is the most missed understood music in Indonesia. It has been perceived as music for elite, and shamelessly, some people think that seriously, and love (and hate) jazz because of their class. Expensive tickets for jazz festivals, exclusive performances of jazz group in the lounge or club, support the false understanding.

Jazz becomes another “nuveau-rich” performances, an artificial life style, like many others things here, in Indonesia.

And Jazz alienated from its roots.

In the contrary, jazz was born from the lowest class in the society. Dating back to the 18 centuries, where African was forcedly taken to southern part of US, and become a plantation worker, they need rhyme that can help them to express their distressed soul, a music that can give them a vision to their freedom and root of their homeland.

They create music from the home-tools, song lyrics as code of their secret meeting, a full indulging, soulful rhyme, music that brought them into the deepness of their ironic fates. They create a new tone for their music, .. A site describes jazz as:

"The unschooled" techniques from this music, the slurring and bending of notes, the wild falsetto cries and the like, became common features of jazz as both an instrumental and vocal music, but in far more artful ways as jazz developed sophisticated principles for its performance"

I feel jazz accelerate my brain. Like a hormone. It makes everything enjoyable. Like writing this.. unmeaningful piece..

Anyway, good night.

And, gives jazz a chance, will you?

He he..

The War

2007-01-10T08:35:00.000-08:00

Every soul has their own battle,

Then be the winner or looser

Never be too proud

Or too sad

Because everyone of us is a fighter

In the war that we choose

Cebu, The Philippines, January 10

Love our Child, Love the Ego?

2006-12-28T05:45:00.000-08:00

It was in my 13th birthday when I hit by car near my house. It was mostly my fault. I was running, crossing the street when the car hit me. I was okay, though. The driver was a gentleman. He took me to my home and met my father, my mother, explained the situation. He was a public transport driver. I was hit by an "angkot" ( :jeepney in Philippines, tuk-tuk in Laos? You name it)

My father was angry, and so was my mother. They were very angry and they didn't (want to) hear ,completely I think, the driver explanation. I knew my parent did that, because they were very worried. They Love me.

Strangely, I didn't feel loved. I turned out that I felt sooooo awkward. First, I knew I too have fault in the accident. And second, I felt I didn't deserve such love. I was not that worth. I was not that worth to make my parent, angry to a poor driver, that possibly didn't do anything, except that he was in the wrong time and place. However, he was brave enough to meet My parent in face. It was a rare quality driver, right? (I realize that now witness crazy Jakartan driver everyday)

But, I didn't say anything, I kept silent. I didn't want to interrupt; I troubled my parent, enough. I remember, I felt uneasy. I still feel that when I wrote this.

There is something in the love of parent to their child that disturbs me. In front of their child, a parent can loose themselves. There is something --blindly-- in the way they look their blood heir. In the way they love them.

Why? What is the different between our own kid and hundreds kid in the street?
They all need love aren't they?
Blood? Is it loving our child is more to love ourselves?
To what, our love exactly?
To our blood?
Our ego?

I shouldn't write this, because I haven't got any children. And perhaps, this is one part, the Almighty don't bear me with such amusement and holly, huge responsibility. Im not very sure in this subject. I don't want to loose myself. I don't want to blind myself with love, that I, well ..feel awkward to. I feel disturbed.

I joined an organization for kids and alternative education, when I was student. I happened to have and teach a play group, for children near my house. I enjoy playing with children. I love them as God purest creature. One of Real Guru. Mirror. But, its rare for me to feel that I want the kid of my own. I feel none. Almost Neutral.

Oh, how "motherly" I am.. ha ha..

Season greetings, everyone.. happy holiday.. dan Selamat Idul Adha..

Ba

2006-12-14T22:56:00.000-08:00

I am The Creator's "Ba"

The Grail,

So Be,
. . . .

Me

(Aamiin)

Monologue

2006-11-24T23:10:00.000-08:00

If life only to wake up early,
Works hard,
Winning,
Please the bosses,
Getting Salary hike
Return home
Back to sleep for the same thing in the next day,
not so much in meaning of life
but, what is the meaning of living?

If life only to find someone to live with
Choosing woman
Choosing man
getting married,
takes the role of human reproduction,
Have kids,
Craving dreams
for bigger house,
Bigger yards
More houses, More cars, more maids,
More jewelries,
More woman,
More man,
Ah, what is the meaning of living?

If life only to bragging yourself to your friends,
Or people around you
Hope your name eternal in the world
Proud of what you do, what you did, what you think, what you have done,
Should the world has crowned you as Messiah,
Your name linger in the people memory like Newton or Einstein
Still, what is the meaning of living?

Since you will leave everything in second,
Since your house will become dust,
Since your body will go astray,
Since the world is moving too fast and leaving your legacy behind,
Since this universe will stop expanding and shrink or explode
And back to its nothingness,

So, what is the meaning of living?
Now, today?

What is the meaning of beauty?
What is the meaning of happiness?
What is the meaning of sadness?
What is the meaning of words, thousand words that human has invented?

.........

Eternity,
Why this word is invented?

: Because humans sees too many death
And knowing, naturally, there is something opposite to death
in them,
Like the idea of knowing a pair,
Man and woman,
Black and white,
Right and left,
Body and Soul

Body will go astray,
But there is something remain
That will not go astray,
The soul

If life only this body,
What is the meaning of living, then?

But life provides other than this material reality
Life provides realities that still unknown,
Life provides the reality of soul
That is still unexplored, longing to be found
Behind the cloak of all material things that provides nothing but emptiness.
There is a meaning

I am sure now
Are you?

ps: you can joint if you want ... and it becomes a dialogue !

Gossiping The Blogger

2006-10-30T00:27:00.000-08:00

I deliberately take this opportunity so to speak, gossiping...bloggers, me, included. This writing is inspired by other friends story who celebrate their life through their blogs, much more like me.

Blog, a window to a personal expose, nothing wrong with it except, a daily life Blog is just a sign of loneliness, narcissistic, inability to connect with social world orally, normally, humanly.

Instead to create a healthy social relationship and communication, a Blogger chooses an unknown address in (almost) unlimited virtual world, to expose him/herself. And shamelessly, begging everyone to read it, by displaying a reader counter in the web or a personal announcement mail to let everyone, in the world, know what he/ she writes. Is it important? Hey, a blogger think so. I think so. I ask people to read my blog.

So what is a blog, then?

It's a virtual therapy for a lost soul, in post modern civilization, an instant answers to attention seeking personality disorder.

Pathetic..

Hey, don't be offended, I too a blogger, and I probably will keep writing this pathetic thing.

Let's laugh together, it's heatlhy.

(the picture is describing narcissus, a greek myth about a young man who fell in love with his own reflection..)

Ps: You know why I love you, honey? because you dont blog. you never find time for this kind of cheesy things :) he he..

Rhyme Of Nature

2006-09-26T20:53:00.000-07:00

Imagine living in the world without clock. Your life lingers in the change of day and night. Seasons. A Loose concept of time.

And you will move in the rhyme of nature

Such as: you will say: "My kid born four season ago, " or "I will go to your place in the winter" or for tropical people, like us, we will say, "I will start to build my house in when the dry season starts, "

When you wake up in the morning, you know you are late for work, because the sun is right above your head, and your shadow is under you. Because your work starts after sunrise, when there is still no shadow.

Or you know, that this is the time for eat because you are hungry. Or sleep because you are sleepy.

....You wait for your lover in the park, when the moon reaches its fullest
and you make love in the crescent moon, one day in the autumn..
You are pregnant during winter and spring, and your baby born in summer
Your baby starts to talk when the banana in your backyard ripe..

And you will whisper her, someday in the future ..
"you were conceived in the crescent moon one day in autumn, you were born in the mid of summer and you start to talk when the banana in our backyard ripe,"

In the light of summer, she will always remember they day she was born
Everytime she eats banana she will remember the day she started to talk ..
And she might even try to make love in the autumn day, under the crescent moon..

What a live. I want to live like that.

And, Now, 11 am, I have to start to work..

ps: I am still on the ground honey..I know, we have to pay those damn bills.. he he..

tarian itu usai

2006-09-19T05:10:00.000-07:00

Tarian itu sudah usai, sayang
Bagaimanapun kau menunggunya
Penarinya sudah pergi,
mendaki pelangi ..

Jakarta, Sept 19, 2006

Clenched Soul

2006-09-11T02:28:00.000-07:00

We have lost even this twilight.
No one saw us this evening hand in hand
while the blue night dropped on the world.

I have seen from my window
the fiesta of sunset in the distant mountain tops.

Sometimes a piece of sun
burned like a coin in my hand.

I remembered you with my soul clenched
in that sadness of mine that you know.

Where were you then?
Who else was there?
Saying what?
Why will the whole of love come on me suddenly
when I am sad and feel you are far away?

The book fell that always closed at twilight
and my blue sweater rolled like a hurt dog at my feet.

Always, always you recede through the evenings
toward the twilight erasing statues.
..

~Pablo Neruda

a secret plot

2006-08-25T15:15:00.000-07:00

"We think that life is a mess

No it is in't

There is meaning

in every second, in every step

it's a plan, it's a secret plot

nothing is coincidence"

Tokyo metro, minowa station, august 25

ps: you know the secret of Love? its Trust, after that, appears the Unity. A Divine Dance..

Behind the smile of clown

2006-08-11T05:05:00.000-07:00

Why do I see the clown's smile mischievous?
You don't?

Don't u feel strange to see the wide smile always there, in their face?
Don't you see while they fool you with their sloppy, folly, slapstick actions,
tickle you to laugh out loud, their witty eyes, tinkling?

Why they keep trying to make us laugh?
Who are they, the clown?

".......The first character of clown, appears first time as a jester in the court of Pharaoh Dadkeri-Assi during Egypt's Fifth Dynasty about 2500 B.C, old. Court jesters have performed in China since 1818 B.C.

In about 300 B.C. Chinese emperor Shih Huang-Ti oversaw the building of the Great Wall of China. Thousands of laborers were killed during its construction. He planned to have the wall painted which would have resulted in thousands more dying. His jester, Yu Sze, was the only one who dared criticize his plan. Yu Sze jokingly convinced him to abandon his plan. Yu Sze is remembered today as a Chinese national hero.
One of the most famous of the European court jesters was Nasir Ed Din. One day the king glimpsed himself and a mirror, and saddened at how old he looked, started crying. The other members of the court decided they better cry as well. When the king stopped crying, everyone else stopped crying as well, except Nasir Ed Din. When the king asked Nasir why he was still crying, he replied, "Sire, you looked at yourself in the mirror but for a moment and you cried. I have to look at you all the time."…
(clawnoframerica.org)

Freedom of speech, critics, liberation in its essential meaning represented by the act of court jester. A clown. The brevity to say the truth in a very comical, delicate, down to earth- way.

In other dimension, clown also teach us to laugh. Their folly is projection of our foolishness. Their slapstick action, bolsters dramatic gesture of a comical side inside every of us. When we laugh, we laugh to ourselves, deep down in our heart, we accept ourselves, our foolishness, our weaknesses.

So be careful when you laugh, you might laugh to yourself..

The magic parade

2006-08-01T21:23:00.000-07:00

Honeypie,
Today, 2000 magicians gather in Stockholm to take part in the World Championship in Magic. Tables floating shoulder high, cards sailing through the air, rabbits pulled out
of hats, Isn't that nice?

Humans bolster illusions,
While all of this, so called reality is nothing but an illusion
Illusion upon Illusion

God, the Greatest Illusionist, The Guru of Magic,
We are part of it, part of His magic parade..
We hover there like a fog, mute in this frivolity

But you know Oceanchild,
Small part of people wants to savor eternity
Questions the parade, to where it goes..

Looking back over their shoulders,
Try to see the traces left from previous lines
Disentangle illusions from illusions,
See behind mischievous smiles of the clown

Listen, a niece piece from the Beatles..(just click)

thefoolo.wav

the fool on the hill

"Day after day, alone on a hill,
The man with the foolish grin
is keeping perfectly still,

But nobody wants to know him,
They can see that he's just a fool,
And he never gives an answer,

But the fool on the hill
Sees the sun going down,
And the eyes in his head,
See the world spinning round.

Well on the way, head in a cloud,
The man of a thousand voices
talking percetly loud,

But nobody ever hears him,
Or the sound he appears to make,
And he never seems to notice,

But the fool on the hill
Sees the sun going down,
And the eyes in his head,
See the world spinning round.

And nobody seems to like him,
They can tell what he wants to do,
And he never shows his feelings,

And round, and round, and round, and round, and round...
He never listens to them,He knows that they're the fools
They don't like him,
The fool on the hill "
(taken from: Audio Files - The Beatles Music)

friendsterism

2006-07-25T09:30:00.004-07:00

You know girl,
its not my blog projection to post something "friendsterism" like this, however since you are my loyal fans, ( he he) helped me a lot with this blogs and always, our crazy, "nggak ada saringan", liberating chats (i admire you for that) and also... well, I consider this "fun" to distract me from dull covering that im doing now, okay, okay...apa deh yang nggak buat elu.. :)

Four jobs that I've had

1. part time Teacher
2. part time Researcher in a small NGO projects
3. Journalist in several companies, until to day.

it should be four? hum..blogger? ( he he i dont get pay for this) , lets say,

4. freelance columnist (at least i try once a year..)

Five movies I could watch over and over

1. Serendipity.
2. Before Sunset.
3. What woman wants.
3. Sense and sensibility
4. Eternal Sunshine in the spotless mind.

Four places I've lived in
1. Kraksaan, a sub district in east java.
2. Serang, where i spent my teen's time.
3. Bandung, where i learn to read for the first time (kindergatten), my university years.
4. Jakarta, where i born, where i live, at least for now.

Four TV shows I love or loved

I dont watch TV much, except news..or..ah, movies.
Sometimes i watch movie in TV station, even I have watched it, or the movie is somewhere in the cds shelf.
Loved?
1. Ria jenaka
2. hunter
3. a japanese doku drama (i saw it when i was in high school, forgot the title, but a girl names rika akana was in the movie, i remember the song)
4. isaura ( when i was in junior high school, i remember the song)

Five places I have been on my vacation
1. Malang
2. Kyoto
3. Paris
4. Siam reap ( the abandon city of Angkor)
5. Yogyakarta
i've been in many places. some of them for jobs, some of them mix, job and vacation. But, in this five places, i find some essences: tranquility, soul.., mirrors? ..

Four favorite dishes
1. sushi
2. Fried noodles, any brand. but , it must be instant fried noodles.
3. manggo
4. star fruit juice

Four website I visit daily
1. Detik.com
2. AFP
3. my blog
4. other blogs

Four places I would rather be right now

1. Kyoto
2. a village between frankfurt and paris, i dont know the name, but the houses like in fairy tale. I only saw it from the train.
3.i like it here ( now, im in a place where its easy for me to go to the nice book stores)
4. a place, where no one knows me

Four bloggers I'm tagging (i dont know, i dont tag people.., but ive to follow the rule right?and i doubt they will joint this)

1. kuyazr

2. si dita

gk ada lagi :( , i dont have much friends in blog..udah deh ya.. cape. ..

know-how

2006-07-20T03:55:00.000-07:00

(kings of convenience, 2004)

Riding on this know-how
Never been here before
Peculiarly entrusted
Possibly that's all

Is history recorded?
Does someone have a tape?
Surely, I'm no pioneer
Constellations stay the same
Just a little bit of danger
When intriguingly
Our little secret
Trusts that you trust me

'Cause no one will ever know
That this was happening
So tell me why you listen
When nobody's talking

What is there to know?
All this is what it is
You and me alone
Sheer simplicity

ps: forgive me for all .. im just silly

cleansed

2006-07-18T06:55:00.000-07:00

I question the disasters that haunt them, haunt us, haunt me
I question the grief,
I question my questions

A friend with lame voice from far- far - far away said:

"Once, God said in Al-Quran, the disaster means to cleanse your heart,"

(The translation may false, anyway in Indonesian: membersihkan apa yang ada di dadamu)

Whose heart to cleanse? To those who beliefs? I asked dully,

"Yeah, those who beliefs," (with lamer voice..)

What's other than beliefs can save us from this.
Tears cleanse the heart,
the unspeakable grief, cleanse, whatever in our heart
No cynic, No jokes, No questions
When everything is just, there.
In front of us.

I have other friend, who didn't believe in God,
he went to Patayya, Thailand, after Tsunami,
just to see corpses buoy in the sea.

"It is very silent here now, only corpses float in the sea. They look innocent, just like corals," he said through the phone.

"One can be crazy, If they don't try to find meaning of all this loss," he said again. More to himself.

Later I know he begins to pray. I still don't know what's his beliefs, religion..
i dont really care. i know, his heart is cleansed.

For Aceh, Nias, Yogyakarta, Pangandaran, for me

Ps: thanks lame voice..

us

2006-07-15T01:59:00.000-07:00

Honey,
Swept the sadness away
stabs me in every gaze
I am here
I kiss you

Let me embrace you
Stroke your baby hair
Tickle your ears
....

Let's dwell in this together
In the river flows, bring us nowhere
In a mute, separated, dream
In the hollowness
In empty spaces
wordless joy
each and every moment,

and time is nothing

Doing the right thing

2006-07-14T04:04:00.000-07:00

A good friend of mine, far away from a nation in the north east ,
asked me to day :

Sis, I wonder, are we supposed to believe in anything?
Did God put us here to test our beliefs, or just to amuse himself?
Sometimes i wish i can just shut everything off, win the lottery and enjoy myself, and forget about doing things right or even doing the right thing.

My answer was:

I heard once that God creates human for Him to be recognized
But, after we know that He is there, then so what?
Its still difficult to understand Him
His complexity is beyond our reach
But, i think It's always right to do the right thing (or doing things right)
Because maybe, in doing it, we are in attempt to understand Him.

I think, "In attempt" is the most benign moment in life.

In attempt to be.... the first runner in a race,
In attempt to be....a good wife or good husband
In attempt to be ....the best sales man or girl
In attempt to be.....a good friend, good mother, good brother or sister
In attempt to be .... Me..

Well, we can fail in all those "in attempt" things..
but we have tried. we have embarked, faced the demon.
We might fail, but we will never loose.

ps: a good self theraphy :)) ..